The Library

The first shrink we went to after my wife found out about my acting out (and had decided to divorce me) said to us: "you do not really have a marriage problem here. Well, maybe you do, but overshadowing the entire thing is another problem: Your husband is a very sick man....

In the groups, we have learned that professing one has "finally really hit bottom" is silly. The only time it becomes clear to anyone that a person has hit bottom is after they find they have taken real steps to change the way they live. That is the closest thing to any p...

My wife doesn't understand how smart it can seem to me to chase lust! And she probably can never, either. That's probably a good thing. Though acting on lust is probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do in any situation - and makes life's troubles worse, never bette...

We often hear wives ask their addict husbands, "how will I ever trust you again?" and the answer is really that the trust may never come, but if it does, it will be her own choice and not because her husband convinced her to trust him. He knows that game of sympathy and p...

In the very depths of our losing and weakness, Hashem still sees us with love - otherwise, how do any of us ever get His help to get clean? True, some out there fear to say this stuff because to them, admitting this fact sounds like it's really OK to do horrible aveiros. ...

The reason that I hang on to the idea that the Problem is not a primarily a religious one is partially because that was my experience. So I accept that yours may be very different. But that's not the only reason. I have also seen so many people prefer to slog through this...

"Yiddle" wrote on the forum: "Hashem: I am talking directly to you. Please, I sit here with tears nearly streaming down my cheeks. Please give me the power and the will I lack to overcome this. Please allow me to live. Please take away the source of the pain. I want to br...

When my wife first found out about my addiction, we used to get into fights every Monday night, either before or after my SA meeting - till about 1.5 years when I did my 4th step and my mood and behavior really began to change. Then things really started getting better - ...

Someone posted on the forum: We tell ourselves that we want to feel wanted, needed, special. It's a natural desire; everyone wants that, right? Problem is, I'm not getting it in the rest of my life, so I need to find some area where I can feel that... And that's part of ...

Hi Dov, I have accepted on myself that I will follow the program to the best of my abilities regardless if I understand everything in it. After all, as you say, it is my best thinking that got me into this mess. But occasionally I do have a question I would like to ask an...

If nothing else works, dear yid, and you ever decide to turn to the Steps for help, you may discover that under all your pain and rage, your real problem is your own resentment. Nobody else has the power to give you rage. My emotions are my own problem, and getting freedo...

Dov-In-Israel writes: Let's assume a guy marries a VERY attractive wife - the top, model quality! How long will she remain attractive to him? (should we ask Tiger Woods?) The Torah teaches us, that which a person lusts after, he comes to hate. (See the story of Amnon and...

"Yearning" wrote me the following e-mail: "SA is going very well, we reviewed the 4th step tonight. But one thing is bothering me: Do I have to live in pain my whole life as an addict??" I replied to "Yearning" as follows: Please note what the Alcoholics wrote back in 19...

"I don't know what to do anymore. I have a huge headache, my scrotum is in pain. I feel like I will die if I don't give in!" Dov replies: If you want sympathy, I can't help you that much from so far away, but if you were here, I'd cry with you and give you a real hug. ...

What got me into trouble with lust was not that I was violating the halacha. It's also why I have been quoted as saying: "I don't really care exactly which lav suicide is - I'm not interested in it for other reasons!". True, violating the halacha was horrifying and devast...

Someone who is clean for 5 months wrote on the forum: "I'M GOING NUTS!!! I wish all these nisyonos would stop already. I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at least a year. I'm really getting worried. My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her time br...

A teenage boy wrote on the forum: "I am proud to say that with the help of Hashem I am TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!! But let me tell you, I am definitely feeling the heat. My body is saying to me, "GO VIEW PORN. IT FEELS GOOD. ESCAPE WITH ME INTO THE LAND OF FAKE PLEASURE AND UN...

Someone wrote on the forum: "The spiritual approach is not for me. I just want to get back control of my life" Dov replies: I must tell you that that the spiritual approach isn't for me, either. That's precisely why I turn off some folks by posting my take on their str...

B"H for recovery... I remember well how, when lust was pretty much in charge of my life, my kids were basically just another pain in the behind! I would not have admitted that at the time, of course, but some stuff drove me crazy and I wondered why... only to discover my ...

Where you are going is much more important than where you are coming from. You may be in some dismay about where you are coming from right now, your track record, your lack of this and of that... but if your reaching out for help and trying, your direction is just fantast...