The Library

The perennial GYE question is, "Well, how do I know I am an addict? Maybe I am just a ba'al tayva and have a bigger than normal YH for schmutz. Yes, it bothers me, and yes, I know all about 'doing teshuvah (I've done it seventy-five times already, on this very same thing!...

It is uncanny how much closer everybody I meet who is in recovery tells me they feel to their G-d. But I do not hear what "middos" has to do with this, really. The actual recovery work does not involve middos at all, just plain derech eretz: Self-honesty is all there real...

Do you expect me to say you can't get better without live meetings? Well, I won't! If you get 'better' with the virtual friendships (and using your virtual name), then that means that it works. I believe that also depends on how you define 'getting better', too.For me,...

A confession: I have a private, very secret relationship. Any normal frum person who might happen to notice me calmly close my eyes when a beautiful lady walks by me at a chasuna or something might think I am very frum. Little do they know my secret: that the real reason...

Dear Reb "Feels-He's-Worthless", The door is open for you no less than it is for anyone else, and it takes time. So relax and ask Hashem to help you out of this mess on His schedule. You are reaching out to friends - it's about time....don't give it up now, OK? Keep on go...

A few suggestions based solely on what works for me and others I know: 1- Am I more ashamed of the truth about myself than I am of messing up? Or am I really ready to get the help I really need to give it up? What is more important to me: holding onto my shame and pride -...

Spending time to figure out where I am 'holding' is poison to me. It's the same curiosity that I feel when I wonder "how that girl who walked by actually looks up close... hmmmm"... These are just obsessions of the mind, and I can't afford them. Besides, I have discovered...

The extent and quality of the relationship you end up with (with anybody, not just Hashem) depends upon what you put into it. If I connect with my wife mainly as my personal candy machine, I get a relationship with a candy machine. Wow....profound...meaningful...satisfyin...

Yes, masturbating is a terrible thing to do, as Chazal tell us. Er and Onan would agree, I believe... And, surely, having sex with myself (that's exactly what masturbation is, of course) is destructive to me on many levels. And yes, we Yidden ought not to do it. But that ...

Maybe consider not using the words of the 12 steps, but the concepts behind them. Some people like the idea that Torah recognizes we have problems, mental or spiritual illnesses. The RMB"M describes basically every person as being a bit mentally ill... He calls it "choloe...

Do you think your lust problem is just a side-issue for you? Do you feel that Hashem is really paying attention and showing His love for you in all the other, more normal ways - but the lust issue is just a bump in the road, or some wart you happen to have?I cannot speak ...

To me - just for me - looking for s'char (divine reward) in sobriety is just a distraction from being happy to just be a yid with my Best Friend right here, right now. I love saying a few times in the earliest morning with my eyelids still upside down, "I'm for You... hel...

Someone wrote to Dov: Often when I ignore an opportunity to act-out the image keeps popping back, coupled with resentment that I didn't act on the opportunity. It's as if I'm only postponing it in my subconscious. How do I surrender it totally, 100% with every fiber of my...

The definition of intolerable, i.e. "I gotta quit this!" - depends 100% and only on what is inside you own heart. Not on what the Torah says nor on what anyone else tells you. If you find it acceptable and really believe deep down inside that you can afford it - then...

Might you be pitted against a greater foe than you estimate? One day clean, then three days clean, then one day.... What is happening here? Is it all about racking the days up? Is it a game? I honestly believe that a game is what many folks make it... and strangely, that ...

As far as getting a good shrink, I would do a good week's research on that one if I were you, before committing. Get someone who is experienced with sexual addictions more than someone experienced with Marriage Issues - you can always work out the marriage stuff after you...

Someone wrote on the forum: I am a young married guy and I am desperate for help. I have been married almost 3 years and all this time I have had a problem with pornography, masturbation, and infidelity. My wife wants to leave me.... We tried therapy but just can't co...

My G-d, if I had porn available to look at and actually used it, I'd be toast. My life (i.e. my state of mind) would be immediate gehinom. I'd be gnawing myself to death with my little, desperate and complicated thoughts about 'ruchiyus or struggles with other people; eve...

Someone wrote to Dov: At night, I need it to sleep. And even if you'll tell me that's not true, if one thinks he needs something to sleep, he can't sleep without it. I need a plan how to get this idea out of my head. This keeps on being my biggest sticking point. Even...

"I have Emunah problems because of my acting out", and "I just don't daven right." Ask the average yeshiva bochur or shul member to say the Sh'ma in front of a bunch of other yeshiva guys/shul members. Then ask one to say it in English ! Rav Avigdor Miller says an eitz...