The Library

If every time I lust in any way, I would react by considering it tantamount to a "fall", there will be many problems. First, it would show that all this is about is what it wasalways about: Me and my goodness, or badness. As an addict in recovery, practicallyspeaking, I c...

Ultimately, we all live with ourselves. There is no escape from ourselves - even by suicide, I believe. The discomfort we all feel being surrounded by real people in recovery (in SA groups) is just having a mirror shown to us, as the Ba'al Shem Tov taught us. We sense our...

Counting the days we are clean can be wonderful for some, but I hope you realize that it can also be - deep within our hearts - a counting of how long we can actually tolerate the (inevitable) buildup until the next time we act out. I believe this is very frequent. It is ...

In the days before I became an out-of-control addict, I found that going to the mikva was nice. Saying Tikkun haklali was also nice. But is it mainly tikkun that you want, or is it some freedom from the compulsion when it strikes that you are really looking for? Please co...

Dov answers a newcomer who posted on the forum for the first time (Dov's replies appear in between the lines below, in bold). Today is my first day clean. Actually, it's our only day. Today I will try and go on a journey to break free of this addiction once and for all. "...

I truly believe that the lust problem we have is part and parcel of our natural but misguided yearning for d'veikus with Ultimate Power and Ultimate Goodness. I know that I want porn - not because it is dirty and "I like to be dirty" but because my heart tells me that som...

My addiction got quite nasty, and then a lot nastier before making it into recovery. It is essential for me to accept in my heart that even if I am destined for gehinnom, c"v, my concern, my joy, and my sorrow, are all in today. I have taken, and still take, the 3rd step,...

I have met many people who act out and immediately sense the abyss. That's all they see: this dark abyss. Of course, it was there before acting out - and that's why they acted out...A "bardichever chassid" sees the abyss and doesn't believe it is really there and says, "T...

Bill and Bob wrote near the end of their book: "This book is suggestive only...". My sponsor reminded me once that the program is not a matter of faith, just experience. AA or SA are not a religion. The Program is secular (look up the word if you think [as I did] that it ...

To someone who posted about his decision to stop (for the thousandth time), Dov writes: Your last decision lasted two days. Being horrible at keeping any decisions myself, I am not about to criticize! I am just trying to point out one thing: You describe an incredible con...

Someone wrote on the forum: I have just realized that there's no such thing as quitting cold turkey. This thing is much too powerful for that. There will never be a one time decision that can carry within itself enough force to go against this. It seems to me that all tha...

The Zohar Hakadosh talks about the orla of the lev being associated with orla (of the milah) d'chafyah bris. It explains that Avraham Avinu had a totally different depth of awareness (Da'as) of Hashem's Will after the (minimal) orlah of his milah was removed because that ...

I heard an alkie say (and recently heard an SA member say) that it took every last drink I took, to finally get me where I needed to be in my recovery. When someone with recovery falls again, he either collapses c"v and never comes back, or he realizes he needs even more ...

"We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" Someone posted on the forum: Usually I am a very calm person. Now I feel like a woman. I am very aware of my moods and I feel that I have very bad days and very euphoric days. I also feel very angry a lot ...

There is a fine line between failing at watching your eyes vs. running after it. If I do what I consider "poorly" one day in the GYE category, I can make calls to admit that, regain at least some humility and sanity, and let the garbage slide off my back so that it does n...

Someone wrote an e-mail to Dov: Dov, I read the Big Book and 'the 12 and 12' on the 3rd step. I was also on the call this morning but couldn't talk because I was with other people... I have a difficulty with step 3 when trying to put it into action, perhaps you can help: ...

Dear heiligeh yid. You posted about how you were "feeling like giving up the 'fight' soon" and saw that as ominous. I guess 'struggling' didn't work this time. Most people only see two avenues before them. 1. Try to struggle and win with trust in Hashem that He can and w...

Someone posted about his progress - and struggle - on the forum: You'd think I'd be HAPPY that certain urges are going away and my ability to walk away from certain aveiras is strengthening. But I've realized-- er, um, I'm NOT. Why not? Because for so long I had been wea...

Dov: Hello? J: Hi. I'm reading the Chizuk e-mail right now. I've been having a real rough day today, the worst in months, and have been making lots of calls. I think it's tremendous siyata dishmaya that you contacted me, particularly today, which has been brutal. Any word...

Heiligeh yid, The very fact that you are reaching out as you are, is evidence of a total shift in your attitude. For how long were you essentially struggling with this alone and in secret? So you have changed. You are making slow but very significant and meaningful progre...