The Library

The desire and power of the lust experience is huge. It's definitely bigger than my power, I believe. Still, in my heart it rings painfully true that whatever it is that I really want deep down, the acting out - and whatever desires and "lust hopes" I am holding on to, ju...

We work the steps because we have no choice but to stay sober and we recognize that we need to learn to think and live a different way, rather than just improve ourselves - while keeping most of what we had before that got us in this mess to begin with! (editor's note: se...

"MosheF" posted on the forum: So I have a void, a spiritual void, now what? How am I going to fill it? Should I sit and learn all day, say tikunei zohar, work on my middos? It's not going to work. I know I should just learn to accept ordinary life the way life is, and liv...

"Ineedhelp" posted on the forum: The Gemara relates that when Rebi Yochanan Ben Zakai was sick and about to die, his Talmidim came to him and said, "Rebbe give us a Bracha on how to live!" Rebi Yochanan Ben Zakai replied with an amazing bracha (that we should all be Zoche...

Someone wrote on the forum: I've failed the 12 steps because I got stuck on step 3 ("We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God"). I don't have much faith in myself succeeding at this point. Uri Responds: A kid is always unsure that he wi...

I imagine that Hashem looks at us like I sometimes look at my three-year-old. I think, boy, I'll miss the pitter-patter slapping of her feet in a year Iy"h when she starts walking more "normally" instead of excitedly rushing everywhere! The way her mop of hair flops up an...

I admit that it is challenging to me when I feel my wife is becoming unattractive, the weight thing, whatever. But I remember that it is all a trap of my addiction to remove all joy from the relationship. I know that this type of thinking is a slippery slope for me, so I ...

If we are holding our breath, it will get harder and harder. Guaranteed. On the other hand... If we are giving up a little bit on getting, and living to give a bit more than we were before, then it starts getting easier. How to do that without being together with others w...

The depression/anxiety, anger/resentment, fear/worry, pride/entitlement problems that we have, are, in my experience, just our associated disorders that lead us to be miserable with life, with people, and/or with ourselves. When an addict is uncomfortable enough, he/she w...

When I looked at life in a general sense and saw that I tried umpteen things to stay clean and really wanted to stay clean, cried an NCSY kumzitzes, in davening, later in yeshiva over my Gemarah, and still later in kollel - behind the steering wheel at 2AM after acting ou...

To me there is no difference between day 3 and day 5,003. None whatsoever. And those are not just words. Whatever progress I have made, I prefer to forget! The past is no insurance at all for me. What really matters is the truth about me: how I am right now! Perhaps it's ...

Chazal ask why "the earlier generations of yidden would remove their shoes to begin a fast and were immediately answered with rain, while we fast and scream all day and still suffer with droughts?" They do not answer that the earlier generations learned more or did more m...

It seems to me that the greatest useful change within myself from recovery so far, is the (imperfect) acceptance that "things will be OK in the end, no matter what." Sounds overly positive/optomistic? Maybe. But accepting that G-d is in charge is the only satisfactory nec...

They say how funny it is that 12 steps is referred to as "self-improvement" or "self-help" in the bookstores. It's really the opposite of self-help - which is how we got screwed up in the first place, of course. It's about G-d-help, meaning: learning how to accept the una...

I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem just to get you out of it so you could just move on from here as though nothing happened. He could have protected you from getting into the problem in the first place, no? Rav Noach zt"l used to say: "A guy came...

"Avodashashemyisbarach" writes: I have just started a clean streak for the first time on GYE last week while my wife was overseas. Today she returned home, and today was my most difficult so far -even though my wife looks like a million dollars. The Gemara teaches that th...

I take a breath and say, "G-d. Whatever it is that I am really looking for in that woman, please let me find it in You instead (soon?)." And trust Him. Sometimes I'd daven for the woman's needs and future (after turning away), and awaken that goodness in me that really w...

When this happens to me, I say to myself, "well, what do you expect from an addict?" Sometimes I chuckle, "well, there I go again, still chasing!". And my pride goes back where it came. And it feels a lot better.As long as I don't act out, lusting after a higher madreiga ...

As I have posted many times before, I was absolutely shocked to discover that my real problem was not Jewish/religious at all, but simply human. The main issue for me in those years of active addiction was always and only: "I am a poor oved Hashem". When my problem finall...

"EsaEinai" posted on the forum: Shalom, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has put this site together and all its contributing members!!!! For most of my life I have been dealing with these issues alone (over 20 years). Even though the greater portion of my lif...