Hi chevra! bh i'm doing great! so starting off my day with a focus on doing what's right is amazing!! I find that it literally changes my whole day, I constantly am reminded that i have a purpose! a tafkid of doing what's right for my neshama, and to connect to hashem in every current moment, it feels so so good to live with a purpose, to feel the purpose, and to know deep down that it is the only true and worthy purpose, there are even quite a few examples of how this panned out.

1) my wife got upset at me about something..... and in the past whenever such a thing would happen i would turn it back on her, even though bh she is a healthy great person, and i know/knew that i was the source of the issue, still i couldn't take it when she would show me even the slightest disapproval, it would just be unbearable for me, and i would just end up making her feel guilty for ever opening up her mouth, which didn't leave any of us feeling good, but now i woke up in the morning and said to myself (after the loud modeh ani!) that i'm still ok and i still have a life... i don't have to let this knock me off my feet, i'm working on myself and doing what's right, and still have alot to feel good about... i davened, came home went over to her and told her that i would like to speak to her in private whenever she has a few minutes, she came in cold..., but i just opened up a honest conversation, and accepted that there's what i can do to make it better...., and i didn't turn anything on her, and yes it was coming from a deep honest place, so she felt it, ended up talking for a hour, I feel that this was only possible because i had my own inner feeling of that i'm doing what's right, which made me feel calm with myself...

2) I have a child that hits me on the wrong nerve most of the day, i go crazy..., and i end up reacting in ways that are not to anyones benefit...., in the past few days i found that whenever they were behaving like that... although i had the same feeling bursting inside of me for 3 seconds, after that i was actually able to calm myself, and say to myself that there is nothing in my power right now that i can do to help the situation, so i just tuned out, and it stopped bothering me, (side benefit everyone walks away feeling good....), again i think this is only possible because i am intuned with myself, and i am ok and comfortable with who i am, since i know that i am doing my right thing!

3) While i still have a way to go, but i actually found myself (mistakingly lol!) having some real kavvanah by davening, because i am at peace with myself just with the mere fact that i know that right now i am doing what hashem wants.

I can go on and on but i think that i got the point out as clear as i can (forum style...)

Hatzlocha to us all from the mir!

Day 7
BH not much to share

Wow
You beat him again
Keep it up

iwillbefreeoneday wrote on 01 Apr 2025 22:39:

Welcome friend. You are absolutely in the right place Heres a hug.
And another one.
On both cheeks.
While no-one can know your story or try to guide you towards recovery until you share a bit about yourself, you gotta know one thing (forgive me please if my numbers are off, but each thing is important enough to be the only one).

The first one thing is, that you are not that good, at whatever bad thing it is that you're doing, to think that you are unique, or that it hasn't been done countless times by countless people on the forums. 
We all struggle and we all have done things that are unimaginable by someone that doesn't share our exact struggle.

Which leads me into the next one thing - equally as important.
All of us here - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - once thought that there is no way we can ever be clean more than a couple minutes at a time. That we are destined to forever be stuck in this gigantic sewer of life and there's nothing we can do about it.( I personally quit masturbating many times, sometimes multiple times in a single day) 
But all that was only when trying without having the right tools. With the right tools you too can join the ranks of people with stacks of clean days and boatloads of Karma.
Read. Post . Connect . You can do it. All of us can do it ,
LCHAIM!!

i literally am bursting with empathy for you... i know it can be really overwhelming and i cannot imagine how you feel. we're all in this together and if you want help, sympathy, or just a listening ear, we're here for you.

i don't know your story but maybe a suggestion of not looking at the day as one big day rather as an hour at a time? or half hour? you choose the time interval and during that time you put everything you got into not doing want you are trying to work on. you don't need to be perfect the whole day the second you start working on it. don't sell yourself short for that little bit of time you held back.

sincerely hoping for your hatzlacha

I was going on a walk with my kids today, out of the corner of my eye I saw something, without thinking I turned around to go the other way to get a better look. I caught myself and continued on my way.

My YH quickly started telling me, see, your hopeless, did you see how you automatically turned, you'll never beat this. Its just a short term thing, your doomed for failure in the end you may as well enjoy now... He went on and on.

But I countered, yes, I automatically went to get a better look, but then I stopped myself. That sure never happened before!!!!

So I am getting places! Maybe even for the rest of my life ill start looking and then stop myself, I honestly hope not, but I could do it.

On the next corner my carriage broke, a whole new slew of sevaras. Hashem didn't accept your holding back, He doesn't see... He doesn't reward you.

This was a little harder for me, cuz I've had that mindset for a while, that Hashem has to pay me instantly for my good deeds. I know its wrong, I hope to read the chapter in TBOTG that discusses this point tonight.

Day 11 posting… day 0 clean… sigh 

You got this brother! I was at an all time low not to long ago....no way of controlling myself for years and years... then I took a day off from work just to get out and away from humanity...and opened up to Hashem. Cried and cried...He is the One in charge. He led me here to the proper resources. You will too! You got this. You will get out. We are here for you crying for you

According to what I remember from the Rebbe's letters if I remember correctly, Hesech Hadaas is to think about something positive. Regarding an urge, GYE adds to that that it should be something enjoyable that requires your full attention. Regarding women in the streets the F2F program gives three options of Hesech Hadaas:

1. The one second rule. This prevents an accidental glance from turning into a full-blown sexual fantasy. As soon as you notice an attractive person count to one and look away, or slightly upwards or downwards and don’t look back at them. This way you can avoid turning that person into an object of your sexual desire.

2. An alternative way of doing this it that when someone catches your eye, you say to yourself that’s an attractive woman and you look away. Just acknowledging that fact may be enough to give you the headspace to then turn away and not allow it to become a sexual fantasy.

3. Another option is to disengage from whatever you were seeing and instead reengage with whatever you were doing before. For example, if you are out shopping, you can focus your full attention on finding your next item on your shopping list, or if you are on the subway, you can redirect your attention and become absorbed in something else like reading a book or listening to a shiur or podcast.
​
Aside for this you also need the desire to do so. TBOTG can help with this. For someone who is a real addict I don't think anything will work except for the 12 steps. He simply won't reach Hesech Hadaas until he does the 12 steps. All that this thread will do is beat around the bushes without getting anywhere.

I think it would be nice if we came up with more ideas from the Rebbe and see how they integrate with the education on GYE, or with the 12 steps for those who are familiar with the 12 steps.

hishtadlus123 wrote on 01 Apr 2025 23:38:

That's amazing!
Which tools are you using to help you in your journey?

Tzaddik, you are in the right place. Of course no one knows your situation but have you tried filters? reaching out to people here? Therapy? SA? there are many different stages to each persons struggle and each of them have a cure no matter how severe your stage is... how about opening up to someone here or to a therapist... 
Hatzlacha - Hashem is getting so much nachas from His precious son reaching out.

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Why don't you tell us a bit more about your situation?
There may be people or tools that can be helpful, but I don't think anyone can really suggest anything without a bit more information.

Lookin' forward to hearin' more from you!

Anyway, we completely derailed this thread, apologies to those who started it.



Lets try get it back on track....

Day 8 and BH going strong.
I am just in such a happier and more positive place right now. I know it is very early in the process, but it is so freeing and joyful to be clean. I know there will be much tougher times in the future and of course I am trying to prepare for hard times during the good times like Yosef in Mitzrayim But I am in such a happier place; I am davening and learning so well, having a good bein hazmanim so far. Guys if you ever want some chizuk to stay clean just know that it is the most liberating and joyous existence. You can look up at the sky or at the newly blossoming trees and say thank you Hashem for creating such a beautiful world. 

livingagain wrote on 01 Apr 2025 22:11:

Absolutely! If you see the beginning of the discussion, the mashmous was that going to big/good yeshivah in ey helps. Thats what I was coming to argue. Also, the smaller yeshiva + kesher can happen in yeshivos outside ey too, no?

Tachlis, if you need help, get it (and you are if you're here...).
Please, please dont rely on being meshaneh mokom to be meshaneh mazel! (from someone that went through it.)