B’Chasdei Hashem, tomorrow will be my own, personal day 30. And while it is quite personal, it’s not truly my own. It’s a most unique celebration of accomplishment that could never have happened without you, without us, the talmidim of Yeshivas GYE (not to be confused with BMG). I would never have made it this far without your warm welcome. Without your texts, DMs, and phone conversations. Without HHM’s encouragement and accountability. And yes, without those precious thank-yous. Sometimes clicking that button gives the boost we need, to see just how many people are rooting for us. To push down the YH that whispers to us “You’re all alone..”, and the many implications of that sentiment. So for all this, I say “Thank You!”.

    Tomorrow is also Tisha B’Av. So, a bit of a conundrum. How can I celebrate? How should I feel? On the one hand, I’m ebullient, filled with joy. I feel happy, confident. Maybe I even feel closer to Hashem in a way that I haven’t been before. (I mean, I even wrote a poem about my feelings! Who does that?) On the other hand, it’s a day of sadness, a day of mourning over the loss of a close קשר between us and Hashem, crying over what was and the distance that we now feel. I had a thought over Shabbos, (not sure if it’s original or if I heard it once), that I think might help sort this out.

    The פסוק in וישב says by יעקב אבינו, after being  told by the שבטים of Yosef’s supposed passing: וַיָּקֻמוּ כָל  בָּנָיו וְכָל בְּנֹתָיו לְנַחֲמוֹ וַיְמָאֵן לְהִתְנַחֵם and רשי says "וימאן להתנחם – אין אדם יכול לקבל תנחומין על החי וסבור שמת, שעל המת נגזרה גזרה שישתכח מן הלב ולא על החי." We see from here, that as long as the ‘dead’ person is still in fact, alive, the pain and mourning simply doesn’t fade, as the גמרא in פסחים explains.
It occurred to me, that maybe thats פשט in why we’re still in אבילות, after all these years - because our relationship with ה׳ never died. Instead, it’s blocked up with many layers of separation, with ה׳ waiting patiently for us to peel them away. And so we still mourn, and in our case, knowing all the while that it’s within reach to re-ignite our relationship.

    Maybe, just maybe, I can apply this to my, and our, struggle. How many years went by, how many minutes, hours, days did I spend lusting away, watching porn and masturbating as Hashem quietly watched? Why did He keep my heart beating, my eyes seeing, my body functioning, as I used His gifts for all the wrong things? And, why did I keep trying to stop, never giving up, filter after filter, תפילה after תפילה, from ייאוש back to hope back to ייאוש, time after time? I think the answer to this is in fact our greatest hope, our chance to pull through. It’s because no matter how many times I thought to myself “This is it, there really is no way out, I’ll be stuck as a two-faced husband, father, chavrusa , and frum Yid the rest of my life. I’m hopeless. ”, Hashem knew that, in fact there was hope, all was not lost, and our relationship was not dead. And for me it seems, the ישועה happens to to be GYE (which does rhyme with BMG).

    Now this is not to say that I’m “cured”. Far from it. Iy”H I have many more 30 days to go. המלאכה מרובה. I’m fully aware that the YH isn’t done with me. I’m sure he’ll get even trickier. I have a lot to work on. My תפילה, in particular. I’ve basically only been having כוונה by סלח לנו and שמע קולנו for years, begging Hashem to save me from my lust. The list goes on. But I think, this Tisha B’Av, I can truly, while mourning the distance between us and Hashem, take some נחמה, and even celebrate, the fact that Hashem is, and has been, there all along.

Humbly,
iwantlife