Thank you for being so open with your struggles. Hashem should bless you this coming week with happiness and strength. Hashem should help you find ways to make more gedarim.

Checking in quickly.

Bad week. Bad day. Bad.

Lotta porn this week. Lotta avoiding responsibilities in ways that'll hurt. 

I realized that I'm actually in a pretty bad place with lust (despite not masturbating for awhile) and need to take it seriously.

Despite that realization I still spent the whole day watching porn. Not good. In fact, I'd say bad. Very Bad.

Hey chevra. First off, I just want to say thank you — from the depths of my heart — to each and every one of you who read, replied, resonated, or just silently stood with me. Your words were like oxygen. Every reply was a reminder that I’m not alone in this fog. I read them all multiple times… and I’ll probably keep rereading them when the next wave hits.

These past 3 days since I posted… have been unbelievably hard.

I won’t lie to you — the urges have been fierce. So, so strong.
There were moments I could barely think straight. The thoughts hit like a storm — sudden, aggressive, unrelenting.

I started slipping more than once… but somehow, I didn’t fall.
Not because I’m strong.
But because this forum — all of you — kept me alive.

I kept coming back here. Reading the replies. Whispering your words to myself. Remembering that I’m not just trying to win — I’m trying to remember who I am. That helped me hold the line.

So in response to user Thomson who continued the “Neshamale” song— you lit something inside me. I wrote this in response, from Little Neshamale’s perspective. This is where I’m at right now:

Since that night, dear Anonymous Chaver,
Little Neshamale has held on tight,
Not a fall yet — though the storm’s been heavy,
Through every waking hour, and every night.

Now I’ve been tempted, and I have been torn apart inside,
I’ve been inches from the edge with nowhere left to hide.
But your words, they lit a candle — and I’ve kept it burning low,
That small spark which you gave me… it wouldn’t let me go.

Still I’m fragile, dear Anonymous Chaveirim,
Little Neshamale barely walks the line,
But I whisper all your voices when I am weakest —
And with His help, somehow I still decline.

Don’t you see now? You’ve carried me these three long days,
Every post, and every message— they’ve truly cleared the haze.
You gave my soul permission to come back to the fight,
To try and try again, to finally grasp for light.

(Would love to see more continuations )

On another note - Thursday morning, in a real moment of siyata dishmaya, I watched a Vayimaen video — the first one I’d seen in a long time — as I began this new journey. The Rav (R' Naftali Reich) spoke about how before a neshama comes down to this world, Hashem makes it take a shevua — a promise to be a tzadik, to stay clean, to live with purity.

It hit me hard. Because right after I had poured my heart out about how Abie Rotenberg’s “Neshamale” inspired me, here I was hearing a Rav describe the exact journey of that same little neshamale — the one who made that promise before coming down. It felt like Hashem was speaking straight to me, reminding me why I’m fighting.

So thank you. Truly.

Let’s keep walking together.
One day at a time.
One choice at a time.
And if you see me stumbling — remind me who I am.

With love,
Little Neshamale

I heard an interesting idea regarding dieting. If you have a maximum amount of calories you allow yourself to consume per day, overeating a bit can make you lose your motivation. "I'm anyhow beyond the max, I might as well enjoy another doughnut." You know, the usually defeatist rhetoric.

What this guy suggested was to have a maximum calories per week in addition to a daily limit. That way, even if you find yourself overindulging one day, it's less likely to lead to a spiral because you have another weekly goal that's still attainable even with the current messup.

Not that I accuse any of you good, well-balanced, and completely normal people here of doing such preposterous things as tracking your calories, but I wonder if this can somehow be applied here.

It's been 12 days since I last looked at porn, and I'm grateful.
I listened to Eli Nash's interview with Avi Wolff that someone posted somewhere in the hallowed halls of GYEville, good stuff. Whoever posted it, thank you.

Shabbat Shalom, y'all.

Good morning, all. 

I am grateful for another clean day. I am continuing to stick to my geder of no leisurely Internet use when no else is around and I don't plan on changing any time soon or ever. I have plenty of other things to do.

I started the work day reading Finding Your Partner and Starting Right and watching Embracing the Messy Truth About Recovery. These readings and videos have helped me.

I don't think a short forum post will do my thoughts justice, but I do want to share one point that I don't think I have ever shared on GYE. My sister has been in NA for close to 20 years. She is an inspiration. The question of 'am I an addict?' has plagued me for my entire struggle. I always remind myself 'addiction runs in families.' I tried so hard to stay away from alcohol and drugs because I didn't want to end up with the issues that my sister had. Is my pornography and masturbation use my addiction? I have never had a ruined relationship, loss of employment, loss of money over it, so maybe not. I don't build up a higher tolerance nor do I have withdrawal symptoms, so maybe not (although according to Turbulence in the Brain, I do have withdrawal symptoms). I don't think I am in denial as I acknowledge the struggle and have been part of GYE for over five years.

The real question though is 'what difference does it make?' This week, especially through watching those videos, I came to an understanding. Convincing myself that I am not an 'addict' has prevented me from having a stronger resolve to stop. Despite the negative religious implications, I have led myself to believe that my struggle is not that big of a deal.

This is for me: IT IS A BIG DEAL! Watching pornography and masturbating are not options. The answer is 'no'. I can never do them again. 

So, am I an 'addict?' Whatever answer will help me to never again view porn or masturbate is my answer today and always.

Day Count: 17 Days
No 'P' Count: 29 Days
Cumulative Count: 1687 Days

Yes, it I'd indeed very hard. I would even say maybe the hardest. But i looked at it as a great opportunity. Because forget the streak. The whole idea is to break the habit and rewire the brain. I think abstinence on day 0 is the most powerful "Brain Rewire'er..."

It was very hard, not easy at all. And like I said, at the end of the day, it was brutal and I nearly fell through. But TY"H, here I am, day 2 again! Hopefully stronger than before.

Fascinating question. Do you think it is normal / acceptable to argue? When you say argue, do you mean low grade slight bickering quickly made up or actual shouting?

Welcome back! 
you can probably relate to the Mishnah ואל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך (אבות ב,ד)
the yh never gives up 
I heard a story about the yh telling someone to sleep in “a bit” more, and he told the yh you wake up early every morning to do hashem’s will I will do the same
(if anyone knows please correct add who it was said about if you know the story)
much continued Hatzlocho!

Hey pomegranate!
I'm by no means at all a mentor but if you're still looking for someone to be able to call you can be in touch with me if you want and we can see how we can work that out.
I'm EY time zone so we only have 2 hours apart.
Feel free to send me an email if you want.

Hi All,

I've been lurking around here for quite a while, I've posted a few times and connected with a couple of you over the past year or so. 

The past year -since the end of last summer- I've had some really great stretches and some pretty rough crashes! I started out going about 6 months clean after connecting to HHM and doing accountability program with him. After awhile I felt like I had everything figured out and kinda lost touch with him, which obviously ain't the case and eventually ended up falling. Since then I've been back to the regular ups and downs, going a few weeks clean then falling etc etc.

Today one of the chevra here reached out and encouraged me to get back on here, so here I am! At this point I realize that I need your guys help to get me through this battle so putting myself out here! 

Looking forward to connecting with you all!

pomegranate wrote on 10 Jul 2025 21:34:

I  think that makes sense. I think a good phone call with another mentor might be helpful in figuring out which strategy would be smart to start with.
Have you considered connecting with anyone in EY, UK, or any other area in that time zone-ish? What about the west coast of USA? Is that far enough behind that it could work?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

WOW THATS REALLY STRONG!!!
for me once i fall i go all in, and i become very down and it takes me a long time until i have enough motivation to try again, and sometimes this itself is a reason for me not to start cuz im scared that i will fall and it will me make me even more down so i don't start, so that's why i look up to u so much for being able to stand right back up and not let urself its a very important part for being able to become clean. (at least for me its that way)

Tonight is יא״צ of the אוהח״ק as it’s known to be a סגולה for עניני קדושה. צדיקים said every שטיקעל אין אוהח״ק have the סגולה especially this week,there’s some very strong שטיקלעך. לא הביט און ביעקב is super strong msgs 

I don’t know what it would mean to “work on arguing with my wife”. How do I do that?

Day 7. 

I'm very proud of myself.

I Managed to abstain a whole day while having the very strong "I anyway lost my streak" type of urges, together with very strong regular urges.

This is a first for me, as in the past I always stretched out the fall for a few days before i picked myself back up.

I'll be totally honest and say that late into the day, I was in the park with extreme urges and had already made up my mind that I'm gonna fall through, I'll just push it off a few minutes and first take care of my laundry. Hashem saved me in the end.