So the story ended the way it always does I fell,  
it's killing me that I m  still in these disgusting actions, 
   HASHEM WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
   What's going to happen...................
     Bh I'm digging really deep into myself and learning alot about myself,
But the catch 22 is that so much pain and hurts brought up and I'm not strong enough to carry it.
    With tears...

vehkam wrote on 20 May 2025 12:49:

Mutual feelings, even though I wasn't yet zoche to this (as in the "real" Eerie, meaning since joining GYE).
Oh, the emotions are poring in my heart....

Eerie: you are all three!!! 

Ain’t no words to say what is in the heart… 
…Will never forget that unexpected pounding on the door… 
…..and so, so much more….

Emerson said “A friend is someone to whom I can think out loud”. 
Frost said “ Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in. ' Something you somehow haven't to deserve.” 

Chaimoigen says “ Eerie is the one that even when you don’t deserve,,he takes you in and lets you talk your soul, until שלום ושלווה והשקט ובטח״

Here’s to thousands more days of helping Yiddin, 
עד כי יבא היום כי מלא הארץ דיעה את ה כמים לים מכסים

ועד אותו היום ימלא עוד ים של רחמים ואהבה והטבה בלבבך הטוב לכל ישראל 

באה״ר
חיים 

Day 56 posting… day 1 clean…
Last night was the same battle that I’ve won so many times, but just couldn’t pull through here. I had some false idea that I would meet my wife at a vort that i was at, but i didnt. Could very much be thats what triggered feelings leading to a fall. Feelings of loneliness, tiredness, and stam just feeling down. Still bh no porn. First time in a while that I’ve made it a week without porn

Please continue to inspire us! 
Your journey of hope, rebirth, and ongoing growth is a lighthouse in stormy seas of life.
And your solid sense of practical wisdom, your deep thoughtful reflections, and the guidance you share and the way you approach issues blazes a trail for all of us through the twisting paths of the labyrinth of choices we face each day. 

Yehi Ratzon that the Rebono Shel Olam should shower you and yours with incredible Bracha - and that you will be able to keep going Mechayil El Choyil , להוסיף כהנה וכהנה בעבודתך   הקדושה ביתר שאת וביתר שאת וביתר עז עד כי יהא מבשר לום לאסירי התקוה לקרוא להם דרור, 

באהבה ובהכרת הטוב מעומקא דליבאי 
מאן דבעי חיים 

Thanks I love this prayer 

רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, הִנְנִי הוֹלֵך בְּגֵיא צַלְמָוֶת וּמָקוֹם מְסוּכָּן, הוֹשִׁיעֵנִי מִיֵצֶר הָרַע וּמֵחַטָאִים וּמֵעַוֹנוֹת, וּבִּפְרַט מֵהִסְתכְּלוּת בָּעַרָיוֹת

Hashem, only with your help can I succeed at anything. Hashem, without you nothing has meaning. Please be with me today, and help me in a challenging situation. Thank you.

Thank you for the opportunity and also for helping to facilitate my other meetings through your post. I came back from our meeting with tremendous chizuk with so many ideas reinforced. If only we understood how the footsteps in which we walk were staked out by great tzadikim and kedoshim who struggled before us, it would be so much easier to embrace this journey without the shame and guilt that threaten to sidetrack us.

Wishing you tremendous continued success
Vehkam

וראך ושמח בלבו

The zchus was mine. You are uniquely talented and you captured so much in your post that contains incredible depth
. וימלא ה׳ כל משאלות לבך לטובה

wishing you tremendous continued success 
vehkam

As I sit here 39,000 feet above the Atlantic ocean I have time to contemplate on my last  four days in yerushalayim.  It was a quick trip. Yet, I am uplifted by the feeling of meaning and purpose that impacted my short stay.

Most of the time of this trip was spent with my wife - strolling through the streets of yerushalayim, taking in the sights, the food and , above all, the incredible emuna that is literally tangible through the yidden of all types and appearances that make up the flavor of this city.

The endless flow of brothers and sisters from early morning to late at night swarming to the kosel, the hourly delivery of bus loads of supplicants coming to pour out their hearts to mamme rochel to daven on our behalf, every bus ride accompanied by multiple bubbies spending the ride engrossed in the nonstop recitation of tehillim. The cacophony of voices engaged in milchamto shel Torah as one walks past the countless batei medrashim overflowing with  bachurim and yungerleit who fully devote the most energetic years of their life in the pursuit of Toras emes.  The pesukim of faith and hashgacha that are scribbled and printed on the walls, on the stores and on the cars and trucks all scream out to anyone who is looking. This is the pulse and lifeblood of our people. These are the sights that we took in and carry back with us until the next time we are zoche to experience this recharge of kedusha.

And despite all of the above, the meaningfulness and fulfillment are overshadowed by something that is even more precious to me.  During this trip I had the tremendous pleasure of meeting with three of the chevra. Each of them incredibly inspiring.  The chizuk that I experienced from speaking to each is beyond words.  Their sincerity and commitment, their willingness to be open and vulnerable but most of all their intense searching for that path to kedusha is humbling and exhilarating at the same time. I am so grateful to each of them for sharing their lines and stories and allowing me to use some of my experiences in a way that may be helpful to them.

There is another takeaway that I have from this trip. The utopian picture that I expressed above does not exist in a vacuum.  Not every sight available was pure and permeating with kedusha.  In a world of         זה לעומת זה there was also unfortunately much to avoid.  The way things worked out for this trip we stayed in  hotel in rechavia. While the location was convenient the people walking the streets in this area often have not yet developed a sensitivity for kedushas yisroel and the beauty of keeping their bodies private.  On motzai Shabbos we went to a popular pizza store around the corner to have melave Malka.  When we got there they were not yet opened but when we came back twenty minutes later it was already packed.  Some of the people eating and waiting were dressed in a way that I wanted to avoid.  For the most part I was able to avoid seeing them but after a few minutes I realized that the sviva will rub off on me even if I am not purposefully looking.  So I chose to say no. With my wife’s agreement we left and I had a left over challa roll for melave Malka instead.  Somehow that challa roll was a lot more satisfying than any pizza possibly could have been.  almost three days later I am still enjoying it. 

I thank hashem for this opportunity. A few years ago I would not have felt this way.  The appreciation for kedusha is a gift from hashem and I hope to be able to continue to grow in this way.  I take inspiration from this growth and I share this in the hopes that I can continue to inspire others as well.

Looking forward to continued shared growth and success

Vehkam

Good morning, all.

Posting for accountability. Daily maintenance is a resolve to avoid time-wasting/פריקת עול in front of a computer (and in general too). Keep shteiging!

Day Count: 13 Days
Cumulative Count: 1646 Days

Yesterday I had the incredible zchus of meeting a giant- vekham. Im not very good at poetry or the like, but regular words certainly wont do justice... Il share my notes here, maybe it will be of use to someone. Il try to add as i recall more. I hope and pray to properly utilize these incredible gifts from such an open heart.



Power, heart.

Strength, yearning.

Resolute, learning.



God, father.

Master, helper.

Love, always.



Clean, today.

Destination, connection.

Focused forward motion.



Prayer, available.

Validation, unconditional.

Humility, must.



You are enough.

No need to bluff.

Welcome home to the real world.

pomegranate wrote on 16 May 2025 14:14:

The right time is NOW

Day 0:

I am very sensitive, it has its advantages (as I can get closer to feeling what others feel) and its disadvantages (as for anything that is done to me it hurts much more).

I was disappointed to see firsthand that not all yehudim are tzaddikim, even those who claim to be religious.
And any disappointment makes me go to Ima's cell phone, which always seems to be available, to see things that are not good.

I have so many questions, but I need to act right now. I understand that I will never know everything. I must act with the little that the tzaddikim taught me.