Amazing, this is true growth and clarity!

I have found it that I am more relaxed, even when I have an urge, by the knowledge that I am a healthy human being that doesn't need to rely on Lust to get through my problems. This is including times of extreme stress and pressure!

Feeling worthy is also about self-respect. A lot of us have lost respect for ourselves, and if we change our self image from a person who doesn't deserve to be worthy, to a person who has earned that worthiness by working on themselves, then we are on the right path to happier lives.

(A side note, "happier lives" doesn't necessarily mean always happy, it could also mean that during the rough times this burden isn't there, which makes the rough times more manageable. As well as when life isn't rough then we are truly happy without this weight holding us back.)

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

OK oilam truckin to 13 BeH! 
Spoke to mentor for a while tonight. Hes great BH really helping me.
Its ok to be hurt sometimes and not react with anger. Its OK to feel hungry sometimes and not run to eat something. Its OK to feel a need to relax and not turn to p&m even though I want to. Its OK to get triggered to feel bad and not react with the false pacifier of p&m.
Step 1 is recognizing that I am a good, great person with many positive qualities and not beat myself up every time something wrong happens. 
1 step at a time BeH.
Thank you to this special family for being there for me.
Until next time brothers.
Love,
WC

OOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I made it to day 26! Pretty good! Great actually! BH!
Then yesterday I fell, 2X. It started with a few glances at the wrong things...then when I couldn't fall asleep...it was tooo hard not to fantasize after laying awake in bed a few hours and then one thing led to another....then the next day fell again bec why not I fell already! Yeah I know wrong approach.
Either way BH today doing better. Day 1.
Actually the best thing eva happened through this fall. I reached out to my mentor and he told me he was disappointed in me. But he still loves me. That showed me that he has true expectations of me, its not all just fluff. There is someone who truly believes in my abilities to do better. And if I fall, he's going to be disappointed in me. Hopefully will make me think twice next time.
Heading on vacation next week, going to be a hard set up. Hopefully I will be able to post that I stayed clean the whole time!
Need to stay focused on my 1-motivation, 2-Triggers, 3-How to deal with my urges. Don't have them set up so well yet.  Also I think having a few people to call when the going gets rough would be good. More then 1 in case I cant get through to someone. Also I don't want to feel like I'm bothering someone when everyone has busy lives.
Until next time,
Love,
Wannachange

Shalom Brother,

26 days is huge! Glad you are appreciating that.

Sorry to hear about your falls but it's a great chizzuk to see you standing up and ready to get back to it. Yaasher Koach!

Have you written down your motivations? Might be a good idea to do that and review them daily.

I'd be happy to be one of your few people to reach out to, if you are interested (calling is harder for me, but I'm pretty available for messaging).
Let me know. My email is BenHashemBH@gmail.com and I can share my Google Voice number if that is easier.

When I was on vacation, I found it very helpful to have accountability, planning each day in the morning what I need to do, and assessing in the evening how it went and if improvements were needed. Stay on the ball

Hatzlacha and Koooooooooooool Tooooooooooooov!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey Brother,

you're a true Hero!!

Ho hum....
Hey everyone. Thanks for following up with me.
Was in some pretty hard circumstances past few weeks. BH had a lot of strong moments, with some falls unfortunately due to exposure to unfilteed devices I dont usually have access to. Mentor set me straight originally- my fantasies were looking at it as a way to finally let go....but really theres nothing there. Worked for a time but then....
Whatever. BH made it a decent time clean with the exposure, thats worth a lot to me. Eventually made a knas for myself if I watch anything again until I left that situation.
Now on day 5 BH.
I have a journal I once made for myself. Going to start posting it here piece by piece. Enjoy the ride!

So Im going to start posting some segments of a journal I once made for myself right when I started really searching for help. Going on GYE was a big step for me. This was about 2.5 years ago.

Journal #1

Dear G-d,

Woah do I feel lost and alone right now. I finally opened up to someone hoping this would be my final step towards recovery, I got so excited, I was nervous, I broke barriers I never did before. Yet…it doesn’t seem to have helped. They suggest 12 step groups etc., there’s no way that’s ever going to work, I can’t take any chances of my wife finding out (even as she sits on the couch on the other side of the room). Yes it’s true there’s still the F2F program I didn’t try yet, but I don’t know how much that’s going to help, we’ll see BeH.

Speaking to people has helped me, I know I’m not crazy, not dangerous, I have this REAL taivah that Hashem knows I have and I have to deal with and He knows how CRAZY hard it is for me. I don’t know why he gave this to me, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job at overcoming it. I’ve tried so many things to try to overcome it, I tried kaballos, exercising etc. I’m still so lost. I know I’m not a weirdo.

My biggest fear is that my wife will find out, what will be with my family. I love my wife, I don’t want to take any chance of losing her. I love my kids I don’t want to take any chance of losing them. I NEED HELP. But I don’t know how to get it, there doesn’t seem to be any realistic options.

Acceptance-what are my real feelings of attraction, is it dependent on where in the cycle my wife is, is it dependent on how much I do PAM, I am attracted to my wife.  I want to provide her 100%, I don’t want to feel that our marriage and connection isn’t as great as it can really be.

I wish I could communicate with my wife, we can work on it together, it would make our relationship so much more meaningful. No more secrets no more feeling 2 faced. BUT I CANT.

Right now I’m sort of just accepting that I’m going to have this struggle for the rest of my life, there doesn’t seem any way out. Hopefully somehow my clean stretches will become longer, maybe through the F2F program will help me. I know I’m normal and that these urges are real to me. I know im not crazy.

But…. I became sort of OK with PAM myself….although deep down I wish I wasn’t, I don’t want to be OK with it, I just sort of am giving up , like because I don’t see any way out of this. Why is there something wrong with PAM, I know the Toirah doesn’t allow it but that hasn’t stopped me until now. I also know that goyim also go for therapy for help in this area, so there’s obviously something just dark and bad about it, my body starts to shiver from watching something….

Read most of your thread, I have much respect for you, you are a true inspiration!
Although Im still single, I personally would think that opening up to your wife will open many new doors, again, Im not and was never in a relationship, so I dont know and am not experienced, but that's what I would do.

​much Hatzlacha, fighter:punch: