Dear pickawhatever,
I'm so sorry to read your sad story.
I'd just like to point out that I disagree with your conclusions in this "last" post. It's not that you need to keep fighting yourself or living in guilt. It's just a change in attitude that you need, in my opinion. You see, life is like a GPS. We all have to get where we need to in the end, and G-d's will just gives us the shortest route. But when we make wrong choices along the way, the GPS of life keeps rerouting us through uncomfortable territory and makes the process much longer and more difficult. Now would someone who made many wrong turns and finds himself somewhere far out of where he had hoped to be, would he say, "The heck with it. I am tired of fighting to keep on the straight path, and I am tired of feeling guilty when I take the wrong turns!" Of course not. What would such thinking help him?
Guilt is useless and doesn't help either. We just have to understand that we are going to be forced by life (read: G-d's will and hashgacha) to reach where we need to go, by hook or by crook. It won't help us one bit to give up because we don't like the fight or we can't stand the guilt. We have to just man up and start making right turns in our life to get back on track. Otherwise we'll just keep getting farther and farther from where we need to get to. It's not about "moral failing" or that G-d is a vengeful G-d. It's just the way the universe was created. No one asks why Hashem makes us get burnt if we stick our hand in fire. It's just how the world works. If you stick your hand in fire, it will burn. And the longer you keep it there, the less chance you'll have at ever getting back the use of your hand again. And if you lose use of your hand, you may need to learn how to live without a hand. But no one says, "hey, my hand is already going to need a long time to heal, so I may as well just burn it off altogether"... Sigh... I wish I could help you more. May G-d enter your heart and hold your hand and guide you towards the way home.