Reb Upanddown

Your post is painful to read but the emes of your heart is shining out.

When Hashem does Shecht the YH you are right all the problems will disappear.

But.... the fun is in the fight!  Its much more fun to fight than for Hashem to do all the work.  So I say to you my friend, put your gloves on get back in the ring and start fighting the YH.  Conquering ourselves is not an easy challenge but we only win by sticking at it.  
אל תתייאש

Reb Yid,

I just read through this thread. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. I write only to empathise with you and i wish you only much Siyata dishmaya and hatzlocho in any choices you make. 

Have a wonderful shabbos

So Friday night I opened some ספרי מוסר and felt inspired, empowered and ready to fight.
My entire Shabbos was different. I was a happy man. A loyal husband. And a fun, loving and focused father. And all of that just from feeling that relief of being back on track, yearning for the Emes.
I can't allow myself to go back to a dark place...

I must remind myself a few points:
1. The good feeling of being an אמת-dik, genuine Yid/father/husband.
2. אלמלי הקב”ה שעוזר לו, לא יכול לו.
3. מרעיבו שבע. Its not a necessity like food. Urges pass. If I give in, I'll just need more.
4. Life isn't gonna be functional unless I get this beast under control.
5. The longer i leave it, the more difficult it will be to concor.
6. Do I want to one day look back and eat myself up over the many precious years that I messed up?? Now is the time to act!

So here is my plan of action:
1. For motivation - Learn מוסר frequently. It's a way of feeling Hashem speaking to me.
2. For accountability - I need a partner/sponsor. Anyone offering? PM me if interested.
3. For ultimate success - I simply need Hashem's help. My davening could do with a big chizzuk.

Is this just another up followed by a steep down? Possibly. Who knows... We live in the present.
העבר אין, והעתיד עדיין, וההווה כהרף עין, דאגה מנין.

Thank you all for your support,
UpAndDown

Beautiful post, happy to hear that you have a plan of action.

I would add my 2 cents if I may, I think that it might very well be a up, before a down, but we are human beings who don't stay the same at all times, so we therefore have ups and downs, but at least after tasting the good feeling of the up, we know what address to put in to our GPS to take us back there, so there's nothing to be afraid of from the down. {It could be that's what you meant with "we live in the present", but just in case...}

Keep it up and keep us posted 
With love Akiva