Reb Upanddown

Your post is painful to read but the emes of your heart is shining out.

When Hashem does Shecht the YH you are right all the problems will disappear.

But.... the fun is in the fight!  Its much more fun to fight than for Hashem to do all the work.  So I say to you my friend, put your gloves on get back in the ring and start fighting the YH.  Conquering ourselves is not an easy challenge but we only win by sticking at it.  
אל תתייאש

Reb Yid,

I just read through this thread. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. I write only to empathise with you and i wish you only much Siyata dishmaya and hatzlocho in any choices you make. 

Have a wonderful shabbos

So Friday night I opened some ספרי מוסר and felt inspired, empowered and ready to fight.
My entire Shabbos was different. I was a happy man. A loyal husband. And a fun, loving and focused father. And all of that just from feeling that relief of being back on track, yearning for the Emes.
I can't allow myself to go back to a dark place...

I must remind myself a few points:
1. The good feeling of being an אמת-dik, genuine Yid/father/husband.
2. אלמלי הקב”ה שעוזר לו, לא יכול לו.
3. מרעיבו שבע. Its not a necessity like food. Urges pass. If I give in, I'll just need more.
4. Life isn't gonna be functional unless I get this beast under control.
5. The longer i leave it, the more difficult it will be to concor.
6. Do I want to one day look back and eat myself up over the many precious years that I messed up?? Now is the time to act!

So here is my plan of action:
1. For motivation - Learn מוסר frequently. It's a way of feeling Hashem speaking to me.
2. For accountability - I need a partner/sponsor. Anyone offering? PM me if interested.
3. For ultimate success - I simply need Hashem's help. My davening could do with a big chizzuk.

Is this just another up followed by a steep down? Possibly. Who knows... We live in the present.
העבר אין, והעתיד עדיין, וההווה כהרף עין, דאגה מנין.

Thank you all for your support,
UpAndDown

Beautiful post, happy to hear that you have a plan of action.

I would add my 2 cents if I may, I think that it might very well be a up, before a down, but we are human beings who don't stay the same at all times, so we therefore have ups and downs, but at least after tasting the good feeling of the up, we know what address to put in to our GPS to take us back there, so there's nothing to be afraid of from the down. {It could be that's what you meant with "we live in the present", but just in case...}

Keep it up and keep us posted 
With love Akiva

Beautiful post!

Looking forward to hearing about the progress - the ups and the downs!

upanddown wrote on 14 Dec 2024 23:47:


I would say that the three things you want to use to help you, can come AFTER you clean up. At the moment you need to get your mind clean and free from the shackles of the pain you are feeling. 
Once you start to clean up, the mussar and chizzuk flow. Unfortunately when one is still stuck in the poop, mussar and motivation aren't very effective. 

BH on a up...
I've set up accountability with one of our GYE-Tzaddikim...
Been learning a bit of Mussar and feel empowered.

Some strong urges have come and gone, I even had a wet dream, it's not easy... but I'm staying strong as I'm determined to be a genuine jew who doesn't have to hide his dark secrets! 

I heard that R' Isser Zalman Meltzer was once seen reading the newspaper at the Bima in the Beis Midrash! When he noticed people were surprised, he explained, that if he was happy to read the newspaper in private then he's willing to do it in public too!!

A couple of weeks ago I was behaving like a real bad boy. I acted out properly with P&M over and over again behind closed doors whilst trying to shake off any feelings of guilt. I didn't even have any crazy urges but I wanted to purely be פורק עול and be mekayem כי בשרירות ליבי אלך. Anyway, later that day I said something very stupid/inappropriate in a public forum and felt painfully embarrassed for the next few days. It served me right. It got me thinking... כל המחלל שם שמים בסתר נפרעין ממנו בגלוי.

So no more incognito mode. No more davening at the omud or getting an aliyah and thinking "if only they would know...". Only transparency. תוכו כברו.

Hey

Good to hear you're doing better, it's inspiring and you should be super proud of your hard work.

My personal opinion is don't be too harsh on yourself, let the past be the past and don't create punishments for yourself like not getting aliyah's/davening far omud.  Once you've made that decision (which you have)  to move on with your life and leave that old you behind, you're a new pure happy person who is very fitting to be a baal tefilah and certainly have an aliyah l'torah.  

yosefms wrote on 20 Dec 2024 09:06:

Slight misunderstanding...
I didn't say that I'm punishing myself and stopping with aliyas/omud. I said I want to be transparent. An honest Yid. Nothing to hide. Of course I will continue with my public services but from now I'll be able to do it confidently without having guilty feelings and guilty thoughts.
Sorry if my original post wasnt clear.

Thanks for your care and support.

ok great thanks for clearing that up.  

34 days clean BH! (בגי’ ויחי)
It was a difficult week in many ways. I feel very drained. Had plenty of reasons to feel sorry for myself and to indulge in some comforting fantasies... I indeed had a few slips in Shmiras Einayim but other than that bh managed to stay strong.
Today was haircut day and I had a massive נסיון to shave also other areas and to do some body care... but NO!!!... I know my YH too well by now. If I give him a finger he will take a hand...
וזכינו לקבל שבתות מתוך רוב שמחה ומתוך מיעוט עוונות.
Less and less sins....
TYH 

upanddown wrote on 09 Jan 2025 23:59:

give him the finger,i do it all the time, it works!


regards
cande'

Posting for accountability. 
I have an unfiltered device in my home ATM for another few days.
Will keep you posted.

upanddown wrote on 14 Jan 2025 21:09:

Shalom Brother,
What boundaries can you put into place to help?

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

upanddown wrote on 14 Jan 2025 21:09:

Good move. 

  by me it’s a long term situation. 
Keep us posted!