This Nisayon is to big.
Long story in short: The journey started 10 years ago. A year ago I reached my longest clean stretch of about 450 days. But then I fell. And then I got up. Then I fell again. Then I got up, had a clean stretch and fell again. (with all the emotions that a person goes through...)
Finally I managed 100 days clean. 
And then, just 3 weeks ago I fell again. But really badly. My worst ever.
I watched many hours of pornography on a unfiltered device that I got hold of. I acted out many times - trying hard to ignore the fact that it's Elul, AY"T etc.
I don't have the will to get back up again because I have lost my Emunah.
I do believe there is a creator of this world but I am loosing my Emunah in Torah Misinai and in Chazal. 
If Hashem is really bothered about HZ"L then why is it not clear in the Torah? (I know there are some answers in the Seforim - but still - if something so important is asked from a person then why not say it clearly?!)
And why is man put in a situation where he will definitely sin, it's only a question of when and how??
I am full of anger, upset and guilt.
I was a top top avreich, but now I wish I could just leave my Yiddishkeit and just live a "normal" human life.
This past Shabbos - Shabbos Shuvah - I had a battle with my YH whether to be Mechalel Shabbos!!
I am in a state where I am open to commit any sin possible...

Dear friends -
Please save my soul!! (and my gorgous family)
I would love to be able to live like a loyal Yid but I need Chizzuk - mainly in Emunah, and I have no Rav who I feel would not judge me. And no Rav who could give me clear answers.
I am utterly fed up!

Wow a very painful yet courageous post. Your emuna issues are likely a byproduct of this struggle, no need to throw out the baby with the bath water, there are answers and help and many heilige yidden that do get it. If you open your eyes and ears and get the right guidense you will find compassion and teshuva in the framework of emuna, please hang on and give yourself a break, yes Hashem knows our struggles and has given us the opportunity to make amends, that is actually what he wants, we should seek him out, make this world godly even with all its enticement, it's what life is all about, and we need to have patience and compassion to get there. 

Courageous post. Looks like God wants to give you a promotion. When God tests us, he's not trying to trip us up, but giving us ways of identitying where we're holding. You're already a superstar - 450 day streak is serious stuff. This is his way of saying, that's great tzaddik, but I think you can do better. You had one day of falls, but hundreds of days clean, your doing great! None of us are perfect, God gave us this crazy drive for these things, Hashem gets that. At the same time, he wants us to fight as hard as we can. Pick yourself back up brother, plug up this hole, and keep trucking. God loves you, and always will.

Hey @UpandDown hold on tight because now you might be down but no worries soon u'll be going up pretty high, and btw "450 clean days" ​that is insanely well and shows the strength you have, its my imaginable dream to get to that amount of clean days.

​Keep in mind Hashem's loves us all more then we love ourselves.

Have a blessed year. 

Wow this is tough I know that feeling of yiush and confusion after a lot of falling…

Regarding rabbonim I disagree ,in 2021 many of them very much understand our nisyanos (fortunately unfortunately ), but I totally know the feeling of not being sure who is the right one .
I think an eitzah is to talk to one of the Rabbis on Gye- they certainly will understand you and have ways to help , maybe send a message to Hashem Help Me ,he has been an a fountain of chizuk and wisdom for many of us here.

Gmar chasimah Tovah and may you have a year of Siyata dshmaya and Menuchas Hanefesh

Hey there UD, hang in there...
I was in a similar situation a while ago, ready to "throw the towel". In these times, I don't think a halachdike approach is the best one, it may make us feel even more guilty or feel like it's "not very ossur". I propose a different exercise. Let's say it were mutter, do you think you'd still feel okay after doing it? Do you think it's matim do stare at **** and then daven to Hashem and talk about heligkeit?
I'm not trying to induce guilt at all. I just think it's not a question of whether it's mutter or not, but more about, does this go along well with a Torah Yid? Will this make you closer to Hashem? Do you honestly believe you will be happy with it? It's a rhetorical quesiton, no need to answer it.
You have been clean for 450 days! You can absolutely do it. If you fell, I'm sure Hashem is not disappointed with you at all, on the contrary, He's proud of your achievements. The fact that you're here, with us, posting, is a living proof your spark still shines. If He wished to create malachim, He'd have done so and we'd never fall. He knows we are prone to falls, in any area for that matter, otherwise why even have a YK?. But He knows we always have the ability to get back up twice stronger. My Rebbi just told me nisyonois is same osyios nes. If you pass nisoyonos, nissim come.
Try not to take falling too seriously, it's very damaging to one's self esteem, but at the same time, believe you can do this and very good things will come to you on this merit.
Look at me, I'm only 3 days clean and I'm very happy lol. Will I fall tomorrow? I hope not, but while I'm at it, even if only for a day clean, why not celebrate REAL life?

Your pain is extremely evident and we all feel for you and hope you'll find healing with the help of Hashem very soon!

You are asking great questions and there are great answers to them. Before answering the questions it's important to put them on the side and try to heal the pain. 

Long ago, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov had recognized Simcha as the key to success in religion and coming truly close to HaShem. In stressing the importance of Simcha he went so far as saying that depression - the antithesis of Simcha - constitutes "the main bite of the serpent (the Yetzer Harah)". How far should a person struggle to remain steadfast and avoid depression? The lesson is best illustrated by the following story Rabbi Nachman told to his disciples:

"But what is the antidote for the person who feels so heavy, so depressed, that no words of encouragement or advice have any effect?"

There was once a poor man who earned a living digging clay and selling it. Once, while digging clay, he discovered a precious stone which was obviously worth a great deal. Since he had no idea of it's worth, he took it to an expert to tell him Its value. The expert answered, "No one here will be able to afford such a stone. Go to London, the capital, and there you will be able to sell it." The man was so poor that he could not afford to make the journey. He sold everything he had, and went from house to house, collecting funds for the trip. Finally he had enough to take him as far as the sea.

He then went to board a ship, but he did not have any money. He went to the ship's captain and showed him the jewel. The captain immediately welcomed him aboard the ship with great honor, assuming he was a very trustworthy person. He gave the poor man a special first class cabin, and treated him like a wealthy personage. The poor man's cabin had a view of the sea, and he sat there, constantly looking at the diamond and rejoicing. He was especially particular to do this during his meals, since eating in good spirits is highly beneficial for digestion. Then one day, he sat down to eat, with the diamond lying in front of him on the table where he could enjoy it. Sifting there he dozed off. Meanwhile, the mess boy came and cleared the table, shaking the tablecloth with it's crumbs and the diamond into the sea. When he woke up and realized what had happened, he almost went mad with grief. Besides, the captain was a ruthless man who would not hesitate to kill him for his fare. Having no other choice, he continued to act happy, as if nothing had happened. The captain would usually speak to him a few hours every day, and on this day, he put himself in good spirits, so that the captain was not aware that anything was wrong. The captain said to him, "I want to buy a large quantity of wheat and I will be able to Sell it in London for a huge profit. But I am afraid that I will be accused of stealing from the king's treasury. Therefore, I will arrange for the wheat to be bought in your name. I will pay you well for your trouble." The poor man agreed. But as soon as they arrived in London the captain died. The entire shipload of wheat was in the poor man's name and it was worth many times as much as the diamond.

Rabbi Nachman concluded, "The diamond did not belong to the poor man, and the proof is that he did not keep it. The wheat, however, did belong to him, and the proof is that he kept it. But he got what he deserved only because he remained happy. *

It is up to each of us never to lose hope, and like the poor man in the story to whom everything appeared lost, force oneself to be happy. Even a faked, ungenuine, happiness, has the power to transform our situation and lead us to genuine joy.

But what is the antidote for the person who feels so heavy, so depressed, that no words of encouragement or advise have any effect? To the one who feels he has reached the end of his rope ... feeling so low and discouraged about himself that he can only term himself "dead." Rabbi Nachman throws a lifeline: He stresses the statement of the Gemara that in the future, Hashem will resurrect the entire body through a certain bone known as the "Luz". Invisible to the eye, the Luz defies destruction. Placed on a stone and pounded repeatedly with a sledgehammer, eventually the sledgehammer will break in two and the stone will shatter into a thousand pieces - but the Luz will remain intact and unharmed. "Thus we see," says Rabbi Nachman, "that no matter how low a person has fallen, there exists an indestructible part in him, that can form the basis for a new resurrection - a new life."

Focus on your Luz , advises Rabbi Nachman. Ask HaShem to help you find that indestructible part, that essence of yourself that no sin or misfortune can erase. Bind yourself to it. Concentrate on it. Allow it to gladden  you and make you happy. Then, even if you find yourself in the deepest, darkest pit without the slightest trace of hope or light - still, you will always find your way out.

(I almost finished writing this when I lost it, trying again)
I have also had a bad fall after really trying, in this and other areas. I can only suggest that maybe i didn't have strong enough foundations and walls then, and needed to fall to davka a really bad time to do so in order to have the push to rebuild better and set up better defenses.
As for your other feelings, they sound like they are coming from pain and guilt and maybe the taivah. All of it leads subconsciously to this almost selfdefensive lashing out. You know it's not you. even if you ant feel what you used to now, you know it was real, and that you was real. And we all can get it back.

Are you sure there isn't any rebbeim you can talk to? Could be they deal with these things all the time and its just behind closed doors.
If not, maybe can you find someone who you don't know or doesn't know you, maybe even someone not local?
If you don't know anyone, is there someone you can ask to recommend someone you can talk to, gloss over why you cant talk to rebbeim, say something vague, or you need different perspectives or it involves someone they would know or whatever.

Wish I could help you more...sorry

Anyway, you must be someone important for all this to be happening for you. And for being here.

You're in a lot of pain. And I will congratulate you on opening up over here as this has invariably taken a lot of courage. 

Having to have dealt with this for 10 years is really a long time and has probably taken a very strong toll on you. The emotions of guilt, shame, anger (towards yourself and towards G-d) and perhaps a whole myriad of other emotions mixed into this hasn't made this any easier.

Now especially after 450 days of being clean (BTW: Wow! I don't think most of us here are there yet. Me, for sure not.) you might have felt that you're finally past all of this. That you can put the past behind you and finally move on.

But then came the unexpected. BAM! A fall. BAM, BAM!! Another few falls. And as it turns out, the realization hits you that this is not over just yet. And worse yet, even after having been clean for 450 days it's still possible to fall. And the questions and doubts start to creep in, "How do I know that I'll ever be free of this? After all this hard work of about ten years of suffering and pain, how can Hashem still challenge me with this?" Moreover, you don't see how you can find inside yourself the strength to do another 450, 100 or any extended period of clean days.

And at that point that's where the anger, frustration and all those bottled up negative emotions towards Hashem start coming out. "What do you want from me!!! Can't you see how much I'm trying!!! Don't you care about me!!! Can't you give me a break!!!"

So, as I'm reading you're letter, I think there are two things going on over here. You mention that you are loosing your Emunah. I don't believe that's true. I think you're an erliche Jew and that you truly want to do ratzon Hashem as best as you can. The proof of the pudding is that you've kept fighting for all these years. You never gave up and never quit. You kept going. And even now, you're continuing to post here, because what you want is to truly do good.

But, unfortunately, you have all those negative feelings and anger inside of you associated with Hashem and you don't feel you 'level up' to His standards. And since that is the case, that it might just be too painful to be a frum jew, why not throw in the towel? (Especially if what seems so glossy on the outside, is so out of reach.)

It's these negative emotions that have to be dealt with. Because maybe, just maybe, your perspective on Hashem and how he judges you, is very different from the reality of things. Maybe you’re a good if not great person after all. Maybe all we have to do is re-train ourselves on how to view our mishaps and instead of labeling ourselves as failures by micro-analyzing our mistakes and feeling super-guilty about them, we can start viewing ourselves in a better light.

Here’s a question: do you give yourself a pat on the back every time you davened and put on tefillin or do any mitzvah for that matter, the same way you’re crushing yourself after a fall? My guess is that it’s a one big stumping NO. You’re just not being fair to yourself.

I don’t know you personally but based on what you’re writing, in my eyes you’re a great person and a true war hero in the area of kedusha. You fell again, so what? Just pick yourself up again, like you’ve done so many times before.  You’re raising a family to do Hashem’s ratzon and even though it sometimes is difficult for you, you’re striving to do the same. And hey, who can ever say that doing Hashem’s ratzon is easy? Lefum Tzaarah Agra. We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. If we would've been perfect, we wouldn't be here in this world.

If you feel that the emotions are really bad, maybe a good frum therapist can help you. Maybe there are some underlying issues that make this nisoyon even harder for you, and once you deal with them, you might just feel better.

Either way, keep strong and keep up the good work.

Wishing you an amazingly sweet year.

AM

UpAndDown wrote on 14 Sep 2021 21:44:

450 Days?! Dude, that's incredible! I get that you had a really awful fall, but don't let your Yetzer Hara use it to make that incredible achievement look like nothing! I've been struggling for over 3 years, and I still haven't made it to 90. People like you, who struggle time and time again yet build up mountains in the face of enormous temptation are inspirations to those of us still looking up at the heights. Don't stay down! Wishing you A Gut Gebensht Yahr in every sense!

UpAndDown wrote on 14 Sep 2021 21:44:

What would you answer to someone else who told you this?

Likely that 450 days is a tremendously long time, and falls don't take away the greatness. Why is this all or nothing? That's not how it works. Growth is 1,000X greater than falling, and you've got growth in spades.

RE your questions, they are most likely not coming from actual questions and instead from the pain and frustration of the struggle. This leads us to make sense of it all by telling ourselves that it couldn't be true.

I've been there and when I started doing well again, guess what? The questions left.

You're a hero. Try to give yourself more credit.

What is actually the root of these feelings? When and how did this start? 

What type of chizzuk usually resonates with you? Is it stories that prove how hashem constantly watches and controls everything? Is it proof that torah is misinai? (Rabbi YY Jacobs on has a very inspiring series on this, available on TorahAnytime) Is the most effective chizzuk to learn seforim that remind how we are created as humans, not some supernatural being that can understand the way of the world? Or a shiur on these topics? Or that tzaddikim can sometimes have a clearer vision of what God wants than what we see, that they understand the full intention of the pesukim better than we possibly can and why some things are just remuzim and not written outright? Or does your chizzuk come best from mindfulness or davening, from relieving your stress and clearing your heart and mind? Maybe you would best be using bein hazmanim as a time to think? 


My wife is coming in, I have to stop, hope to continue soon. 

Hatzlocho 

What is actually the root of these feelings? When and how did this start? 

What type of chizzuk usually resonates with you? Is it stories that prove how hashem constantly watches and controls everything? Is it proof that torah is misinai? (Rabbi YY Jacobs on has a very inspiring series on this, available on TorahAnytime) Is the most effective chizzuk to learn seforim that remind how we are created as humans, not some supernatural being that can understand the way of the world? Or a shiur on these topics? Or that tzaddikim can sometimes have a clearer vision of what God wants than what we see, that they understand the full intention of the pesukim better than we possibly can and why some things are just remuzim and not written outright? Or does your chizzuk come best from mindfulness or davening, from relieving your stress and clearing your heart and mind? Maybe you would best be using bein hazmanim as a time to think about what you would like your life to look like in 10 years? 20 years? When you are 75? What type of children and grandchildren you want? 

You have to be very honest with yourself. Why are you getting doubts? What first planted these seeds in your mind? Was it a conversation you had? A program you followed? A friend? Or is it laziness or a hope for stress relief? 

Think about it as should we all. We live in a world of influences and most of what others do is not thought out, it's not based on anything rational. We have to do the right thing for ourselves, for our families, for our futures and for our connection to the important things in life. 

​Hatzlocho

Dear Firends,

Thanks to all of you for caring and writing back. I have been meaning to reply ages ago, but life was too busy..
Your posts gave me a lot of Chizuk and b"h I am in a better situation than a few months ago.

About my Emunah struggles - I just wanted to write something that helped me and might help someone else who is struggling with Emunah:

The Mishnah in Avos says (P' 4, M' 21):
הקנאה התאוה והכבוד מוציאין את האדם מן העולם
What "world" is the Mishnah referring to?
The Rambam explains:
כי באלה המדות או באחת מהן יפסיד אמונת התורה בהכרח
From the world of Emunah!

That means Emunah is a world. A place a person can be in. A place where the truth of the Torah is clear & real. But if he gives in to his desires then it will automatically take him out of that world. Desires will put a person in a place where he will not see Hashem and the truth of the Torah.

So it's the other way around:
שמירת המצוות isn't a result of Emunah (meaning: that if I believe in Hashem then I will keep the mitzvos), rather Emunah is a result of שמירת המצוות (first we must keep our קדושה and only then we will discover Hashem)!!

This helped me a lot and the more I stay clean the more I manage to connect to the Eibishter.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

UpAndDown

Wow! really inspiring.
I once heard a powerful thought from the Slonimer Rebbe the Nesivas Sholom. There are two types of nisyonos that a person has. There's the nisoyon before the sin which is  whether or not to do the actual sin you are desiring for and there's the nisoyon after the sin which is yiush and to give up the fight.
The second nisoyon is a lot greater and difficult then the first one. Like anyone that had a fall knows how hard it is to pick themselves up after a really bad and embarrassing fall. The Nesivas Sholom say's a big chidush that it can be that Hashem want's the person to go through the 2nd  and very hard nisoyon of feeling all depressed and yiush but the person wont have that nisoyon if he never fall's down. So what does Hashem do? He can make that the person falls very badly and he doesn't even have control over the nisoyon only because Hashem want's him to struggle with the yiush nisoyon.
It's a very important message to internalize to not get thrown off the bath after a fail cuz maybe Hashem made you fall only to experience the thoughts you are having that are telling you to give up and to throw away your yiddishkeit and you nisoyon is to not listen to it.
May we all be zoiche to never give up in our struggles with the yetzer hora.
And may we get closer and closer to our totty.