Rabbi Wallerstein has a great TA class on Parshas Matos called (about shmiras einayim) "Watching What You See". Sorry I can't give a link to follow. If someone could it would be great. A warning though, it's not for people with religious pain, and can be triggering for them.

Good morning.

Day 1400 ---> Day 0.

Had two falls over night.

I begin again, now.

I won't give up. I know what happened. Anger --> fantasy --> falls.

It's always fantasy. Addiction is a chronic disease.

I will not despair. Hashem loves me. I need to reflect on that constantly.

Have a good day.

after watching lust arousing content there's that poison in your blood

the infrastructure you worked so hard building simply may not be able to hold up the way it holds for normal circumstances.

The following post is really a confession but I am not writing it lsheim that rather to bring out a point. Facing what I am gonna write will be hard for me but something is telling me to do it.

For a nice tekufa I got my hands on some movies / TV shows. I generally kept away from the bad rated ones. I mainly watched action over romance. Now even though it wasn't titled "romance" they still stick in a lot of it. The things I watched weren't so clean either. Sex was bought up all the time in the scenes (nothing hard core).

Most of the period I was watching these stuff I was masturbating at night. I somewhat gave up. Stopped posting. Stopped keeping in touch. Stopped living, Period.

I never associated this to the fact that I am watching. I wasn't watching porn after all, not even soft core. Lately Baruch Hashem I stopped. Not because I wanted to but because Hashem made me.

Since then I was pretty much clean. Since then I don't think I masturbated. Since then the battle was much more pleasant.

I was thinking one day, WHAT IS PSHAT? How come I am finally able to do it?

And then it hit me. The sex scenes, the talk about sex, was going right into my subconscious. Then at night in the shower an urge would hit me to masturbate and I would do it. Once I stopped watching all this poison (@Chaim_Oigen always says after watching porn there's that poison in your blood, I am saying these non pornographic stuff can be poison as well) things got much easier.


So all those out there watching soft core / romantic scenes, first of all I am not saying it's an easy one to stop. I can't say I wouldn't be watching if Hashem wouldn't have stopped me. I know how "geshmak" it is to sit down to a show you've spent hours following already.

But, if kedusha is a struggle and you never thought it's related to this, rather blaming it only on the hard core porn stuff. You may want to rethink. From my experience the case can be different.

Hatzlacha Raba,
living