Day One thousand one hundred sixty six:
I am struggling with fantasy today after being exposed to immodesty at work. I am very much desiring to plunge back into my old ways right now despite the destruction that they bring. Yes, that is correct. After 1166 days clean, the addiction to lust is still there, just dormant and ready to rise at a moment's notice.
Thankfully, I have now long realized that the addiction to lust and fantasy is a chronic medical disease no different from alcohol use disorder and that I must compassionately focus on this entity as the chronic disease it is instead of flogging myself for craving lust or reverting in action to that substance of abuse, which would only strengthen the disease process.
I will move my mind on to other things now as, thank G-d, I have many productive things to do in my life. I will not wallow around in misery. I am a ben Torah with a chronic disease. I will do Ratzon Hashem regardless.
Hatzlocho to my brothers also working day by day to put, and keep, their addictions in remission.

You are a grizzled gladiator. You will rise, triumphant, because you have the tools, motivation and means to fight it. Hang on. 

Good morning.

Day 1400 ---> Day 0.

Had two falls over night.

I begin again, now.

I won't give up. I know what happened. Anger --> fantasy --> falls.

It's always fantasy. Addiction is a chronic disease.

I will not despair. Hashem loves me. I need to reflect on that constantly.

Have a good day.

5uu80*cdwb#^ wrote on 10 Jul 2025 10:24:

Here’s a warm hand. 
You have been, and continue to be an inspiration and source of Chizzuk for me. I’ve learned a lot from you, and so continue. 
General, I salute you. 

You have NOT lost your accomplishments and days, your growth and change, your fortitude and strength. Please hang tight and keep going. 

Youre a great man, 
Chaim Oigen