I just had a moment of weakness, a few minutes of teiva (desire for lust) that I have not properly had in quite a while.

Boruch Hashem I was successful despite lowering my guard for a few minutes. The alarm bells were ringing and many thoughts and memories overwhelmed me with feeling of not wanting to let down myself, those who care and love me, and also our dear members and supporters on the GYE forum.

I then re-discovered the 'Windows of the Soul' handbook; This is my favourite and is an awesome and beautiful resource to receive guidance and Divine assistance.

The next thing that was re-read was from the Attitude handbook: 22. Catching ourselves as we begin to slip.
Although I read this after my decision to turn away from any feelings and desire for lust, b'Ezrat Hashem I can relate to that which Yosef HaTzadik prayed for:

The Satan said to Yoseph: “Don't you see that you already messed everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you any more. You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you’ve failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!”
But Yoseph Hatzadik said “no! I don't care about anything - not even about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want from me right now?”

Elul is our opportunity to rejuvenate and change who we are - Rabbeinu Yonah mentions in Shaarei Teshuva that Elul should not be dark and frightening, but rather uplifting, joyful and exciting as we renew our relationship with HKBH.

A story is brought down about a group of prisoners who dug an escape route from the King's prison cell. When the prison guard discovered this, but found a lone prisoner has not escaped he slapped him round the face and abusing his laziness or stupidity in not escaping.

The truth of the matter is that Hashem knows that we have an escape route - Teshuva. Elul is our chance to 'get out of jail free' although we need to make enormous efforts and resist against anything that is not in our nature as the children of Hashem.

Its been an emotional and challenging past few days. Much has happened personally, as life is changing.

This has presented itself for the Y'H to attempt to manipulate me; Amelek trying to find its way back into my life, after many weeks of shemirat einayim and habrit kodesh.

Earlier today, I wasted about ten minutes of my life 'peeking'. I am upset and disappointed with myself, after all of my recent achievements. I have since spent time reading from the resources from GUE and it seems to be somewhat in between a 'slip' and a 'fall'. I write this with tears in my eyes as I realise that Hashem has reminded my that I am totally dependant on Him to help, save, rescue and protect me.

Hashem I am so sorry that my guard was down for those few minutes. I promise to learn from this experience and to 'brush myself down' as we enter into Shabbat Kodesh; it is an  emotionally important Shabbat for me, and I will enter it b'Simcha. Also, this will be perceived as a 'slip' not a 'fall' (after much thought and discussion from the support network) - This Shabbat marks the half way mark of 45 days - boruch Hashem.

"Am HaNetzach Lo Mefacheid MiDerech Aruka..."

Similarly, Ish HaNetzach Eno Mefached MiDerech Aruka!

The Breslov have a saying that the Eternal nation (i.e. the Jews) is not afraid of a long road. Netzach, your road looks long and twisted but you've made some real progress. I wish I can get to where you're at now.

You need some perspective, bro.

You've had 10 bad minutes out of the last 64,000 minutes plus (60 minutes times 24 hours times 45 days). Thats a pretty good winning percentage, any way you look at it. You just can't let this change your momentum. If you tack on another 64,000 good minutes the 10 bad ones would really be lost in a sea of good minutes that these 10 will be be entirely diluted.

Beautiful answer by RAM!

Sometimes when Hashem is having a lot of pleasure form our divine service, he wants us to take it to the next level and brings us to fall as a test. If we don't let the fall get us down and learn from it - and get stronger from it, then we have passed a much greater test and grow much higher through that. That is the way of true growth. It needs to be accompanied by hard times, dark times and even falls. As the Zohar says, before there can be white light, there first needs to be blackness.

ATM - Please could you translate the pasukim that you have quoted.

I have been working all day to relieve myself of aggravation and anxiety; not sure quite why these emotions have been in play but I have walked and concentrated my breathing techniques to feel relaxed again.

I have also listened to a song which I used to listen to when suffering from feeling or experiences of lust. Its a tremendous blessing to enjoy listening to it following achievement and momentum as I combat and push away the Y'H.
Hashem has provided me with new opportunities which I look forward to, as it might provide brachas and parnasah.

This is why I feel so emotional today; it is b/c of previous failure and inconsistencies in overcoming my lust obsessions that parnasah did not work out. As you can imagine, it dented my confidence and overall work meaning I have been 'at home' for an tremendous amount of time w/o parnasah. It was clear that it was a bracha in itself as Hashem wants me to build a foundation of strength and teshuvah, to be shomer habris.

Although I have been wanting and trying to do teshuvah b'shleimah for such a long time, it is now that I am well on the road to recovery. Boruch Hashem - May He help and protect us all.

"Am HaNetzach Lo Mefacheid MiDerech Aruka..." means the Eternal nation is not afraid of a long road.

(It became the battle cry of the Jews that were expelled from their homes in 2005 for being Jewish.)

Ish HaNetzach Eno Mefached MiDerech Aruka! means the eternal man is not afraid of a long road....

On a lighter note, here's a line from a (mostly kosher) Coen brothers movie:

You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow... on the roof of a cotton house, ha. And, oh, so many startlements. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation.

Thanks, I think from time to time we all need to hear pesukim such as your quote.

I wanted to share an article which I only just discovered - hopefully we can all benefit and relate to it as such an opportune time:

rabbipinchoslipschutz.blogspot.com/

Guardyoureyes - Following your comment last week, I have certainly been feeling the darkness. It has not been one of struggle or anything directly related to the compulsive behaviour of the past, boruch Hashem, although I have been explainable down with depressive thoughts.

I guess that I have been worried about personal circumstances, despite having insight (and bitachon) that this is the (hopefully final) opportunity to overcome any lust addiction and do teshuvah b'shaleima.

However, as of today, the thickness of darkness have been lifted and some light has entered. Perhaps it has happened now as we have entered the final week prior to Rosh Hashanah and Aseret Ymai Teshuva?!

Please Hashem bless us all with joy, yet humility, as we assess our ways of the past year and gain clarity on our tachlis for the year ahead.

I want to take this opportunity to wish everyone a gmar vchasimah tova - a year complete with recovery, healthy, progress and stability. may we all continue to build upon the foundation which we have been laying which will support our future lives and generations

approx 60 days clean and it feels like a long time ago that i was struggling yet the memories are still ongoing. it is strange b/c as we approach yom kippur (the perfect day to surrender ourselves and our compulsive behaviours to G-d) I personally feel that all of the things that I want to pray, beg, and release to G-d just won't come. it is scary to think that even if i apologies and do the basics of teshuvah that i might not say 'everything that needs to be said' or do the full tikkunim for such severe and grave transgressions.

perhaps someone could make some suggestions or thoughts on this matter as i wish to close the book by the end of yom kippur, knowing that i have utilised or maximised all of my strength and inner reserves that have been building up over the course of the last year. i need to satisfy the idea of "if i am not for myself, then who is for me?" and "if not now, when?".

I am pleased to say that b'Ezrat Yisrael I have been doing very well with shemirat einayim. There have been various tests whilst walking in the street where there would be a 'women in the red coat' scenario (ie. power of attraction) where  I feel it is almost impossible not to naturally look even for a second..however, baruch Hashem I have denied even the laws of nature as it were as my strength is direct from Hashem, who has continued to protect and safeguard me. May He continue to do so for us all.

There is also an inspiring video for those who have not yet seen (and internalised it), link below (if it does not open seach in google video "touching limbless man". its very moving and powerful..

A suggestion if I may, based on shared experiences..remember to daven with utmost power and kavanah that the days after yom kippur we should start the year stronger than ever..and remember, believe in ourselves - we want to be helped once we have admitted to ourselves our personal and sensitive issues, and that we can become clean and secure and reach our aspirations.

G'mar vachasimah tova

Dear Nezach,

I'm delighted to hear that things are going well for you!

One important favor: Please PLEASE remove the link in your post above - I cannot be trusted with access to Google Videos.  If I start doing video searches, I'm toast!  My filter normally blocks Google Videos, but with your link, I'm able to access it.  R. Guard, or anyone else who has modifying privileges, please delete the link as soon as you see this message, because Nezach may not see it right away.

In the meantime, Chevra, no one should slip or fall, c"v, because of this temporary Nisayon!  And, Nezach, there is no need to feel bad - you had no way of knowing that your link would override my filter.

Breaking Update: Thank you, R. Guard for taking out the link!

nezach wrote on 26 Sep 2009 21:10:


Also, b'Ezras Hashem! 

Almost at 3 months

the initial few weeks were difficult but in all honesty, the real turning point was when i made a firm decision how to strategies my 'time and use' of the internet ie. discipline
and most important of all shmirat einayim. its impossible to get through the self imposed barriers and layers of pollution unless we protect our most valuable assets - our eyes. this is the fundamental principle if we really are so serious and dedicated to breaking free of our past

since then, a lot has happened personally but most important is that i 'trust myself' in this arena. all i mean is that i understand the magnitude of this problem (thanks to GUE) and forgive myself (another way of saying to give it over to G-d). i attempted the later part for many months but it is easier said than done. it takes great strength and resolve just to hand it over and then to persuade Hashem to 'keep our problem' as it were and help us to do the repair.

r'Nachman says that whatever we have broken, we have the power to fix. never give up and never keep any part of such issues to ourselves. we need help so use the resources properly and make the most important decision TODAY

Wonderful news! Have you hit 90 days yet?

11th of Cheshvan, 5770
י״א בְּחֶשְׁוָן תש״ע

Significance of this date (link below):
telshemesh.org/cheshvan/

The above date marks 90 complete days from which I have broken free and preserved cleanliness.

Boruch Hashem I can now tell you (first hand) that despite unbelievable challenge and a spirit that has been torn apart, through strength and determination I am now released from previous burden.

It has been a long, rough and wasteful past life, that is all it is. Its in the past. Its over. I have truly surrendered my compulsive behaviours to Hashem who has granted me the blessing of victory.

"Nezach" is to be victorious, in addition to translating as 'forever'; It is eternal. My brothers and sisters, it is only by walking with Hashem, the eternal one, that we have any chance of succeeding or surviving our difficult tests.
Any time that I previously faced a challenge of such nature without completely being dependant on Hashem I might not have survived. Internalise this core message, for it is the only way to reach the place that you want to be.

I have now reached a view point of tremendous heights, like I have climbed the highest mountains and despite the sweat, blood and tears - its all worthwhile. The scenery at the top is fantastic. Its the greatest pleasure imaginable.
Please commit yourselves to quitting the imaginary pleasures of the mind, and dedicate yourselves wholeheartedly to be walking with Hashem, just to reflect in his shadow is bliss!

"The 11th of Cheshvan marks the new growth in the Divine root within us even in times of loss and destruction, just as Rachel is the root of her exiled children. It is the seed of Tishrei growing underground: we cannot see it, but we know it is there".

Life is far from perfect. But we must have ideals and dreams and strive to reach them. Time is precious because its short and uncertain. Lets make each and every day count..just to do one thing worthwhile.

I have no idea how my life is going to develop from here, but at least now I can confide with self belief and trust in Hashem that I am deserving of a good life and blessings that I strive for.

BE STRONG AND DETERMINED AND YOUR INNER BEAUTY WILL SHINE