nezach
Newbie

Posts: 2




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« on: July 08, 2009, 11:04:06 AM »
Day 2. I was not living in denial per-ca, and had occassionally come to the realisation that I had a form of addiction. It seemed that was not enough to prevent me from lapsing on many occasions. However, recently an administrator who has kindly provided support directly informed me that I am a lust addict. It was this straight-talking comment that has potential awaken me and immediately removed my pain and sadness and has been replaced with a inner sense of humility.

This is an enormously strange sensation as I am not an egotistical or haughty person, yet this comment has made the inner battle a reality. And it is exactly what I needed, because I have been struggling with finding or experiencing reality on a constant basis..you guest it, because I have been living a life of sheker (falsehood).

All of the kindness, truth/Torah learning, love within my relationships and inspiration that I have provided (all being gifts and blessings from HKBH) have been in vain at any time that I had mis-channelled any frustration, disappointment, impatience (lack of Emunah) or lack of ability to direct my emotions and spiritual aspirations..for the sake of vanity!

So here I am on my quest to quench my thirst to live a life of integrity, dignity and truth!!

I write the following verse since the realisation has already brought an aspect of clarity to my mind and with humility and strength my mindset and perception of Emet (truth) will become clearer and stronger each day throughout my life.

תהלים פרק טז - 16: שִׁוִּיתִי יְהֹוָה לְנֶגְדִּי תָמִיד כִּי מִֽימִינִי בַּל־אֶמּֽוֹט

Thank you for welcoming and supporting me at these testing times in my life.

My bracha (blessing) is that we all will realise on day in the future that we needed to struggle, suffer and experience pain and despair in order to have the clarity of mind and purity in our souls so that we can rejoice in the salvation and light of the Shechinah. Tzikdenu bimhera viyamenu amen.


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guardureyes
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Posts: 1928




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2009, 11:38:23 AM »
Nezach, it's great to have you here. Keep posting on the "Wall of Honor" thread each day, use it as a journal for your journey to 90 days clean - you'll get tons of support!
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We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.


nezach
Newbie

Posts: 2




Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« on: July 07, 2009, 04:26:32 AM »
I have just joined this forum and hope that it will provide me the strength and determination to break through and overcome the issues which have kept my life on hold for many years now.

Apparently I have a lust addiction, rather than the normal battle of freewill. It is almost surreal as I feel 'free' during times when I am temporary clean and separate from the compulsive behaviour, although this frequently causes complacency and a lapse. It therefore feels like a viscous circle with intense darkness.

Despite feeling low and sick within me, I pray to show commitment to using the resources and support that is available on a daily basis. It is important to take one day at a time, with goals and strategy even if it requires patience and pain in facing my personal reality.

After all, I have nothing really to loose. For a long time there has been struggle in advancing and making progress with personal dreams and aspirations in regards to relationships and income.
I wish for my dreams to become part of my reality, to rejuvenate and heal completely.

Please Hashem may it be your will that from now on I will live in accordance to your ratzon (eternal will) by guarding my eyes and being shomer habrit, and experience bracha, hatzlacha and a personal redemption.
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7Up
Trustworthy
Full Member

Posts: 214




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2009, 04:29:23 AM »
Nezach,

Welcome to the family!
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battleworn
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Sr. Member

Posts: 464




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2009, 05:17:46 AM »
Hello Netzach! Welcome home. This is where you belong and this is where you'll get chizuk from people who understand you and love you with all their hearts! By joining us you're stengthening not only yourself but all of us, because the more we are doing this together the stronger we are.

I'm sure that our beloved "Rabeinu Guard" will be here soon to welcome you. He'll post links to the Handbooks. Make sure to take his advice seriously and get busy with those handbooks. Their great!

Also please read "The Torah Approach" over here: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=602.0
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guardureyes
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Posts: 1928




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2009, 01:21:34 PM »
Hi Nezach,

I've welcomed you and sent you links to the handbooks already by e-mail. We've been in touch since the beginning of the year, and I am happy to finally see you here on the forum.

Like I suggested to you by e-mail this morning, please join the 12-Step phone group. See this page for the info and the phone numbers. You will gain a LOT.

P.S. Were you perhaps on the line already today? Some guy mentioned the Tikkun Klali and I thought it might be you  
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We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
chl
Jr. Member

Posts: 84




Re: Nezach - My determination to break free and be clean
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2009, 03:18:55 PM »
bs"d

May HaShem answer your beautiful prayer!

Day 3. I hope to continue to write as a form of a journal and hopefully receive support and chizuk in reaching my aspirations of complete teshuvah.

So often in our lives, outside of the seemingly bottomless pit of darkness that we are fighting to escape from, there are so many signs and messages from HKBH if only we open our eyes and wake up.

I am concluding a krav maga (close combat) course which includes defence, neutralising and attacking a potential threat when necessary..for the sake of protecting our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

This should really hit home so loud and clearly as a form of parable that we must always be alert, with our fences high and strong, and ready to avoid threat or neutralise any possible danger.
Again, our lives and the lives of our loved ones are all in serious danger if we are merely passive; do nothing and we're history!!

With the risk of loosing everything that is precious to us, we must act now. We have no time to be passive and hope that our lives will work itself out. It may not be our fault that we are in this 'mess', but it is our responsibility to get ourselves out and into safety.

Already this support network has brought a form of relief and clarity of mind; I have regained a sense of personal vision and self confidence.

Over the past few months, there have been days when I have gone to sleep, or awoken, with anxiety about the forthcoming day ahead.
I had pulled myself out of such an experience before (with the help of HKBH), but due to the intense darkness of the lust addiction I tragically returned only to experience it all over again.

Now that I am regaining composure and normality in my life, as I make the efforts to 'settle down' and regain much of my wasted and lost soul, I am determined to build my fences of iron, which are to be tall, strong and resistant to any outside force which is alien to my way of life. A life which is to be lived for the sake of HKBH and His Ratzon (eternal will). Amen.

עַל־זֹאת יִתְפַּלֵּל כָּל־חָסִיד | אֵלֶיךָ לְעֵת מְצֹא רַק לְשֵׁטֶף מַיִם רַבִּים אֵלָיו לֹא יַגִּֽיעוּ

The devout one should not expect to be spared any and all misfortune. Rather, when misfortune befalls him to cleanse him of sin, he should pray only that his punishment be mitigated  so that he not be swept away by a flood of suffering (Meiri; Tehillim 32:6)

Day 4. I would like to share with you an article which is well worth reading and reflecting on! Its called A Wonderful Life ... www.successmagazine.com/a-wonderful-life/PARAMS/article/745

LMK your thoughts and lessons that you learn from the article.

  הִנֵּה לֹא יָנוּם וְלֹא יִישָׁן שׁוֹמֵר יִשְׂרָאֵֽל

HKBH neither sleeps nor slumbers, the Guardian of Israel.

Shabbat Shalom

Day 6. Another chance to cling to Hashem! b'H I continue to be strong following a Shabbat which provided a personal 'lift' and insight since meeting a couple of people including a holy Rabbi.
After all, it makes a massive difference to our psyche who we choose to have influence us! May Hashem bless us all to have a Tzaddik in our presence always to guide, teach and influence us.

Shavua Tov.

Day 7. A small yet significant milestone. It has for sure been an interest and certainly emotionally challenging week.

It is quite amazing how much a person can be tested in regards to shemirat enayim in everyday life. t'G I have been doing successfully with this challenge and it is an extremely satisfying feeling, knowing that we are gaining strength and rectifying our natural weaknesses.

I have had a busy day and for the moment that I was passive the yetzer hara enticed me to sin. I was struggling for a few minutes with shemirat enayim but b'H I didn't see anything unappropriate (in comparison to how I used to be) and Hashem in His compassion and care, protected and fought my battle to avoid any lapse.

There is a posuk (verse) which has been keeping me strong this last week, and hopefully continue to do so, which reads (in English):

"Hashem will fight your battles for you, and you will remain silent".

Day 8. In short, I have experienced a fall after 'loosing control' on the internet.

Once again, it was a clear and obvious test from HKBH but I failed to call out to Him in prayer for help and strength.

I browsed many images despite my yetzer tov instructing me not to. This has just happened and I have not yet fully realised exactly what I have done (out of choice) and the consequences.
However, I am determined to break free and be clean (as my title reads) and therefore will do my utmost to remain in a state of joy and in good spirit.

Afterall, the past few days have been good and a lot of progress has been made. b'H on this occassion zera kodosh (seed) was not wasted although I was very close!

I had a powerful awakening to what I was actually doing, which avoided any further transgression and brought me away from the illusionary pleasure and back into reality.

Please provide some guidance and chizuk to strengthen my resolve; is it necessary to start the '90 days' approach?

I regret not praying and concentrating on my requirements to use the computer prior to starting my session today. With the help from Hashem we can all learn from my experience.

The fact you didn't fall to hotzas Zera is very impressive. Shows a lot of inner strength!!

The honesty is the first step. Kol Hakavod on that.

Second is to realize that you are still definitely winning this battle. 7 days clean! Imagine how many times you said "no" to the Yetzer hara in that amount of time! And he only got you once!

Third is to learn from the fall what caused it, and make new and better fences. This uplifts the fall to Kedusha.

Fourth. Please read Principle #24-30 of the attitude handbook. You'll find a lot of great yesodos for dealing with a fall.

The addiction feeds off the depression caused by the falls. Make sure not to let this get you down! If you learn only this Yesod on GYE, it would have been worth it!

Make a 90 day BREAK FOR IT!
You have what it takes to beat this. Full steam ahead!

I have struggled on 3 occasions this morning!!

The second was extremely similar to the first except it was short and revisiting a select few images already viewed. Not to say that is ok, although often I find that it repeats itself even whilst I am attempting to regain strength, for instance by learning about this very subject! The third attempt was successful, b'Hashem.

I am extremely dissappointed that I did not guard my eyes; However, I will examine the root of the weakness (for today's struggle), learn from your advise and make stronger fences. Perhaps I will post them for discussion or opinion based on other people's experience. I pray that I will also forgive myself and have stronger resolve to break free.

Thank you for your guidance.

עֶזְרִי מֵעִם יְהֹוָה עֹשֵׂה שָׁמַיִם וָאָֽרֶץ

Nezach, your perspective is so on the mark, so healthy and so impressive. There's no question that your well on your way to a very high madreiga. Keep posting all the time, we all benefit greatly from it.

Day 10. This has been quite a day! I woke up this morning somehow knowing that it was going to be a day of either massive fight and (a) failure and despair, or, (b) progress.
b'Hashem it has been a day of progress and achievement. Let me share it with you and also what I have learnt.

One of the things that I learnt from the Maharal (Nezach Yisrael) is that the 'natural order' of the world is material, although a person should strive to reach a madrega (level) where it is indeed spiritual attachment to HKBH.
So much so that there will in fact be resistance and a 'fight' in order to experience truth and spiritual clarity.

This has various analogies and ways of implying the teaching (for instance, the golus and Geula, light and dark etc) but the message is loud and clear.

Secondly, Gemara Brachot quotes a pasuk (verse) which explains that if a person investigates their ways and separate themselves from sinning, only then can they return to Hashem.
I feel that it is always good to learn this pasuk as it always remains fresh and strengthens our resolve to do exactly as the pasuk reads! It certainly gave me hope and the ability to focus today.

It also encouraged me to pray to HKBH for just a few minutes. I stepped away from the computer after not guarding my eyes for just a few minutes, and without conviction or strength of character all that I had was 'words'.
My prayer was sincere and requested that Hashem help me to guard my eyes, to spare me from further anxiety and depression, and that He would protect me.

May HKBH protect us all and help us to guard our eyes from now on.

Nezach, you are a real inspiration to us all!

Day 15. The month of Tamuz has provided us with the opportunity to transform our inner conflicts and personal challenges into a strengthened character, with a positive and healthy being composed of self belief that we can recover and make progress in our aspiration to heal fully - with the help and constant protection from Hashem.

Parshat Masay describes the journey in the wilderness that Am Yisrael experienced. This happens to be one of my personal favourites in the Torah, as it mentions the names of the places or locations where Am Yisrael travelled to and from.
Interesting that prior to stating where the nation where heading as their next stop, it mentions that they have just come from such and such (despite having already named the location). We can learn from this that Am Yisrael did not 'look back' and learnt how to 'move on'. We should try to apply this to our current situation and gain strength from our ancestors experience. This, in addition to the aspect of progress that was encountered during their journey in the desert. One example of such progress that was achieved was that they found themselves at 'Tayva' (desire), then at 'Chazerut' (courtyard, ie. transformed it to the external), then to 'Lavanah' (white, ie. purity, teshuvah) and then they journeyed to 'kehiltah' (congregation, unity). The above is just one example. The illustration of this journey is life itself!! And the analogy of the midbar (desert) is that the desert is where a person 'finds himself' due to the isolation and lack of distraction.

My dear brothers and sisters, we who find ourselves dependant on this forum to gain strength and momentum in our pursuit to break free and be clean must realise, and appreciate, that our inner conflict and struggles are our best opportunity to realise our strengths, become aware of our weaknesses in order to transform them into a healthy and strong foundation for a better and improved life.

BEAUTIFUL! Netzach, keep the chizuk coming!

Day 16. I have been feeling frustrated today and quite reactive. I know that this is not good for me, as it is so important to be proactive and productive. The fact that I have been keeping busy lately has helped me to focus.
b'H I have maintained strength in the areas of shmirat einayim (and habrit) as my discipline is stronger and healthier. b'H it feels like I have finally internalised some fundamental lessons and learnt how to apply them.

It is interesting that I realise that Hashem has provided me this test of frustration because this has so often been the cause of misusing the internet etc. It is a truly wonderful and satisfying feeling to know that I am well on the way to full recovery. In all honesty, for a while I had not been reading other member's account on this forum. However, I am aware that this has been necessary in order to strengthen my resolve. After all, I could continue being clean one lapse could make such a difference, G-d forbid.

When I write this, I become scared. It is not the feeling of anxiety that I used to encounter. It is the pain of the memories of the depression that followed previous lapses. Since I have admitted the lust addiction (in the true sense of self-confession and realisation that we need help) my 'reality' has changed, for the better. We must all constantly remind ourselves that if we focus on guarding our eyes from improper material then our fences are up!

I pray that we remain strong and honest with ourself (humble, and seeking the help and protection from HKBH) on a daily basis. Chodesh tov.

What a beautiful Neshama... I'm sure this thread will be written in heaven in Hashem's "special" notebook.