Bards,

That was beautiful!

Moshe, you need some type of Geder to protect you - otherwise, you'll wake up in 50 years having wasted your entire life on this garbage.  At the very least, I suggest that you make a neder that, whenever you're faced with such urges, you'll give $250 (substitute appropriate sum that you can afford, but would hurt) to Tzedakah if you give in, unless you call someone first and describe precisely what you're going through, what you are tempted to do, and the pros and cons of giving in.

Bards
Your making me cry again. Cant you stop it already. Quit the nagging and let me forget about how im messing up my kids lifes.

Moshe, what do you say to "Kedusha's idea"?

Also, maybe web-chaver or eBlaster would help... K9 alone is pretty useless if you know how to find loopholes...

guardureyes wrote on 03 Nov 2010 20:25:

And I think if you make that $5k, you can be zoche to a personal visit from Reb Guard.

;D

MosheF wrote on 05 Nov 2010 13:13:

I don't know about you, but bedtime in our house is HELL.  It's "supposed" to be nice.  But, it's HELL.

Perhaps, this is something that's hindered your progress.  Get all those FEARS and RESENTMENTS onto the table.

Yes, I know, I'm not supposed to resent my wife; I'm supposed to appreciate her.

But, to be honest with myself, I had more resentments towards her than towards anyone else.

And, it was only after I could be PAINFULLY HONEST with myself that I my recovery went into high gear.  I had to ignore how things are "supposed" to be, and just relate to how I honestly feel towards them.

--Eye.

Sounds like you're starting to realize just how bad things are - which is very important! And it's great, even if it doesn't feel great.

Now, what are you going to do about it? That's the question you need to ask yourself.

Reb moshe, I just noticed ur thread , sorry for coming in so late, but I'll try to share my 2 cents with u, I know exactly what u go through cuz I've been there for a VERY long time of being clean and than getting worse than getting better closing all bad accounts just to find out worse places and than start all over again, so feel comfortable with me I am a addict just like u and we can talk eye to eye, 1st of all can u stop beating urself up, u r a precious yid and u have a sickness so why be harsh with urself, believe me this tactic never helped and never will, just go with positive,I clearly see in ur post a huge progress u are bringing out some very clear points that only a addict in recovery can say, and u r not supposed to be perfect, as I said a few times already from Rabbi Twerski (heard 1st hand from his wife) that we can't expect to be in recovery any less than we were addicted, so if u have been addicted for 15 years than for the next 15 years u will be in recovery, this should not discourage u, cuz life in recovery is all a yid needs to be and its wonderful,
is there is a reason why u don't have a strong filter on ur computer and the password by the gabai, I tried for years to stop but as long as the filth is just a click away this is not gana happen moshe sorry to be so straight but that's a proven fact
Ur isolating is also very normal for a addict but this will not stop as long as u don't actively working a program to recover its a vicious cycle u will get tensed from every little thing at home, but if u start living with an awareness that u r powerless and hashem needs to help u & u will bed him for help and of course make a tiny move towards him , he will let u in his circle of friends, I'm begging u for the sake of ur precious kids, do something about that, I too used to get tensed at home cuz I needed to run into office to catch my buddies to chat with , but now I am enjoying the time I can spend with my family, whenever u feel weak or the urges start creeping up, stop a moment and 1st thing say this simple line "hashem help me" than reach out there are many wonderful guys here who are available to help, sorry if my words were not in place, just feel so bad for u and I wanted to share with u my story
Good week, hatzlucha in ur journey

About isolation, I've found that it's the result of projecting my views of myself onto other people. So when I feel like a loser, I assume everyone else thinks the same, so when I pass people I vaguely know, I stare at the ground and they don't talk to me, so I have no spontaneous social interaction, so I feel alienated, so I get more isolated so I think I'm even more or a loser, etc. etc. This means that to break the cycle, I need to change my attitude about my life and then the isolation will sort itself out. It's amazing how other people are able to sense a person's self-perception.

Good morning all, been sober all weekend and have a meeting in 2 minutes so I can't post much, will post this afternoon again bl'n.

Im so happy for you

MosheF wrote on 08 Nov 2010 13:58:


Yashar Koach - KUTGW!

An SA meeting or a work-related meeting?

MosheF, that's great!

tell us how it feels to be sober. don't you feel like a million dollars?

Zammy, don't u see he's not even talking to us after being clean for the weekend, it sure feels like a million $$, just kidding:) good luck with ur meeting and keep us posted moshe, we want u in our holy army

MosheF wrote on 08 Nov 2010 13:58:

Journal of the ex-hopeless. 
Journal of the hopeless-not.
Journal of hope
Journal of the hopeful and less acting out

Moshe you're doing great.  Keep up the daily posting no matter what.  You'll see it will make a difference.

jewinpain wrote on 08 Nov 2010 17:00: