I call this journal of the hopeless because that’s basically what I am.  Tried almost everything but don’t seem to have the ability to commit to anything or open up to anyone. It’s probably a physiological disuse but I can’t help it.   

I am locked in a vicious cycle of good, bad and ugly days.  Every time a few good days pass, I get the good feeling and forget about my effort of recovery even though I know it won’t last.  Fact is I can’t stop acting out and can’t help myself.

I’m bothered when I read posts on GYE because most of them focus on positive recovery, as they should.  Maybe because misery loves company, I want to see some other miserable addicts like me. It seems that GYE and the chizuk emails are full of people who were addicted, bumped into GYE or SA one day and stayed (almost) sober ever since.  There is very little hopelessness here, there have got to be more people like me who feel so hopeless and don’t just recover with the first thing they do.  Years ago, I thought I was the only guy in the world with this problem until I found out that many suffer with this addiction, but today I believe I’m the only guy in the world who cannot recover.

On the optimistic side, I’ve been actively trying to stop my 15 year addiction for more than 4 or 5 years and through the work I’ve done over the last few years (SA, phone conferences, GYE and therapy), I am way more in touch with my feelings, I see the very clear link between my fears of facing daily life/disconnection to life and my acting out.  I clearly see that I run to porn as a drug to make myself feel better and that acting out is my drug.  I am afraid of so many things that don’t even make sense.  A few years ago, I didn’t believe any of that, it was all just a yetzer hora.

I am also having some more up time, meaning that although I act out on a regular basis, the hours of living life have increased dramatically and the hours spent in isolation are decreasing slowly. 

I have a very hard time posting on GYE, every time I want top post, I find another excuse why not to or why to wait or what people will think etc.   

For one week bli neder, I am going to post twice a day on this thread, I don’t care who reads it (I do care).  I am going to post about what is going on at that time and admit when I fall, and fall I will.  Statiscially, I fall about 5 times a week.

"Moshe Moshe Vayomer Hineini"

The 12 steps are about progress not perfection.. Stop looking for perfection start looking at your progress.

Always remember you need to keep on working it for it to work.

Don't give up brother..please ... Don't...

Hang out with us ... stick around. we are all in the same boat.. Progress.

Have a great day-Today!


David.

Moshe I read your post and to me it says how hopeless you are not.  No one is hopeless. But especially you since unlike others who feel they are hopeless you have not given up.  The reason why you don't see much of the other "hopeless" feeling people is that they simply  give up and don't bother posting, they just see that its hard work staying sober and they retreat back into their shells. The very fact that you've stuck it out for this long (4 or 5 years) shows you're far from hopelessness. Hang in there and looking forward to reading your daily posts.

Hey Moshe,

I feel you brother. I have that hopeless feeling alot of the time as well. Frankly the feeling itself sucks, but the reality is thats just our minds playing games with us. If we were so hopeless we wouldnt be here anymore. I feel hopeless as well, but I know I am not a lost cause. Lets try to differentiate what we feel and we really are.

All the best!

-Yiddle

Dear Moshe,

Hoping to hear b'suros tovos from you b'karov!

Staying sober is simple, but not easy.  A few "simple" tips, which you've, no doubt, heard before in one form or another:

1.) What happened in the past is irrelevant.  What will happen tomorrow is not your cheshbon.  What does matter, and comes before ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING else, is that we stay clean TODAY.  If we're clean just today, we've won the Powerball times a Googleplex.  If we really believed this, none of us would fall today.  This "one day at a time" rule can be modified, if we're feeling weak, to one hour at a time, or even 5 minutes at a time.  Does our sobriety really come before everything?  Yes.  It comes before our marriages.  It comes before our children.  It comes before our parnasa.  That's because, without our sobriety, we stand to lose all of these, and everything else, in this world and the next.

2.) Because our sobriety is the most important thing in the world, we need sobriety insurance.  Sobriety insurance?  Why not?  We insure our cars, our homes, and everything else that's important to us.  Our sobriety is our home x 1,000,000,000, so we'd sure as heck better insure it.  How to insure our sobriety?  At the very least, we need to set  up effective safeguards: an effective filter, to which we have no access to the password, and monitoring software, which reports every site we visit to a trusted third party.  We need to be accountable.

3.) Every fall, c"v, needs to cost us an amount we can afford, but an amount that hurts at the same time.  This can be a donation to Tzedaka or some other type of k'nas, monetary or otherwise.  The idea is that it needs to hurt significantly more to fall than not to fall.

4.) Most important, we need to effectively reach out to others and to the RBS"O, and always be working an effective program.  The GYE handbook will point us in the right direction as to what we need to be doing: if step #1 is not enough, we need to move on to step #2, and so on, until we find what works for us. 

We also need to remember that these behaviors often become a vicious cycle: we're feeling down because of our acting out, then we act out more to medicate our depression, which makes us feel more depressed, etc.  Meanwhile, the y"h is laughing himself to the bank, wondering why we make his job so easy by not even putting up a struggle.

Moshe thanks for that very honest post.
However you are not being honest with yourself. Just read your own post to see how far you have come .
hatzlacha

MosheF wrote on 03 Nov 2010 13:16:


hi reb MosheF,

when people don't see success in their work it is a lot more likely that they won't post anything at all and will shrink back into their little world. nobody wants to sound like a failure, and its seems discouraging to post that things are just not getting better. it is a lot more appealing to post saying how things are getting better and i withstood this temptation and i feel so good and the like.

unfortunately there are quite a few people that i am aware of, just by reading and being in touch on the forum who still struggle mightily trying to see some success. at the same time there are so many stories of transformation here on GYE. as Guard said the other day "GYE is where miracles happen every day".

and even with you personally, you report that you are a lot more aware of your self and there is more 'up-time' and less frequent isolation bouts. so there is some success, or progress.

a certain tzadik once said "gevald, there is absolutely no such thing as despair!". you can probably guess who. any feelings of despair and giving up are not coming from a holy place and definitely not coming from your best interests. maybe it is a subconscious vested interest to just negotiate better terms to enjoy the poison.

i feel your pain and the conflict you have raging inside you. and probably the best thing is to keep sharing by posting about whatever happens. it is cathartic just to get it out in the open.

i think you should start trucking, but not just any truck, rather a Postal truck. keep posting!
hatzlacha
zs

i think you should start trucking, but not just any truck, rather a Postal truck. keep posting!
hatzlacha

gevaldiggggggggggggg or kichsaa heheh

;D

I concur with the above comments. 
We all have different recovery paths.  I recently had a setback and was thinking your same words, but came to realize I was making progress and have the right attitude to continue.  I think you do too.  Hatzlacha.

Dear Reb Moshe,

Welcome to the world of the hopeless. We can't, but He can.
Kovei Hashem YACHALIFU Koach - we can exchange our koach with Hashem's.
We just need to learn how to LET Him.

The 12-Step program is very simple.
Harvey, one of the founders of SA, sums up the program as just 2 things.
1) Don't act out even if your tush falls off
2) Call someone.

I'm sure you've tried nedarim in the past to no avail, but how about trying this one?

"I am mekabel upon myself bi'neder that if I act out without calling someone first, I will need to give $100 to GYE".

With this neder, you are free to act out. But you just need to call someone first. If you don't, it will hurt.... You'll be amazed to find how the urge to act out greatly diminishes when you know you HAVE TO call someone first ;-)

Where can you get numbers to call? From your SA groups, or from Duvid Chaim's call roster... Or you can even ask for anyone on the forum to PM you their number. I'm sure you'll get a few guys who are willing to have you call them...

When you call someone, just tell them the honest truth about what you feel, what your triggers are, and how powerless you feel. You'll be amazed to see that the lust fades when brought into the light. There really is no other way to stay sober. We need to call someone. We need to get it out into the open. If we stay in our heads, we're toast.

Quote from "Honest Mouse"

guardureyes wrote on 03 Nov 2010 20:25:


And, if we're from Paris, we're French toast!  ;D : : :

MosheF wrote on 03 Nov 2010 13:16:
You're singing my life in your song. Ouch.

In any case, though, it sounds like you're doing great work. Really. Keep going.

I promised to post. I've been crazy busy all day and haven't even had time to read the responses yet, but here is my first post that I'm doing just fine.  The problem is that when I'm fine I don't like posting.  Will be back tomorrow iy'h.