MosheF wrote on 03 Nov 2010 13:16:


Ouch! Basically you're MosheF - a sweet neshomele in a guf.

Feeling that you're hopeless is part of depressed thinking. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new.

I just know that sometimes when I'm thinking similar thoughts, it's helped me to realise that this is just depressive thinking. I'm in a depressed state, and these are the thoughts that you have when you're in such a state. I don't need to give them much weight or consideration. Everyone who's depressed feels the same. If I do some exercise, or something else positive, I'll feel better and won't see the situation that way.

The feelings or thoughts that you're hopeless are nothing more than that - feelings and thoughts, which, coming from our warped minds, are often way off the mark. If you want to talk about hard facts - you've already said how much progress you've made - and this is a long long journey. The deeper down we are, the longer the journey to the top. And there are plenty of pitfalls and slips along the way, which are all just part and parcel of the journey.

Much love, and hope those hopeless feelings don't weigh you down or hinder you much more,

AA

reb moshe, i relate strongly with what you write, i too have been at this for a while, not as long as you, but over 2 years, i go through periods of thinking like you, that im the only guy who cant recover. but bH it doesn't last too long. If you would look at me on the chart, you would see i have been trying to get 90 days since around Jan and I havent managed more than 25 and you know what, it doesnt bother me much, coz i know im headed in the right direction - just like david said 'progress not perfecion'. (Im writing this to show that not everyone goes 90 so quick).

I also relate to your connecting more with real life, and that is a major part of this, one that we shouldn't overlook. The more we connect with real life, the less we need fakeness.

I will just conclude with what helps me, much of it is repeating kedusha (hey-he's a moderator, he knows what he's talking about!) removing my access, sharing with a partner, starting to work the steps and making falls hurt more usingg the taphsic method.

I think the real results are in the general attitude rather than how many times we act out. ie, as duvid cahim says, the quality of our recovery aside from the falls .

Much hatslocho, you are not alone!

Post 1 today

Am sober but it is not easy.  I'm busy today, I have a good job and am good at it, but every time a little challenge comes up, even just the software working too slow or a complaint from a client, I get this urge to run to a little easier fun like watching some online videos.

Good morning Moshe,

Glad to hear that you're on board TODAY!

You've got a good job in this economy?  A lot of people would give their eye teeth to have a BAD job these days!

I humbly suggest that those of us with good jobs try to think of a way to show our hakaras hatov to the RBS"O. 

Came across an interesting Gemora in Horiyos for those learning the daf. Gemara relates how Klall Yisroel brought 12 korbanos for sinning with Avoda Zara (Par Healam Davar). The Gemara asks "According to R' Yehuda who holds that each shevet requires their own korban I understand why they brought 12 korbanos. But according to R' Meir who holds that Bais Din brings 1 korban for all of Klall Yisroel, Why 12 Korbanos?"

The Gemara answers "Because Klall Yisroel sinned, did Teshuva, sinned again, did Teshuva again...

12 TIMES!

Vicious cycle?

No end?

No they picked themselves up each time and tried again.

Eventually they won!

Thanks all for replying.  One of my biggest fears of posting is what others will think, I have a lot of pride, so I decided to just post without regard of what anyone may think, it's hard. 

Again, so many times at work, i get the urge to just drop everything and surf the web, it's just a click away (I have k9 but iv'e found plenty with it).    Just not finding things, things being done wrong or a small challenge force me to run away.

i also fear being rejected or being thought-bad-of and it took me a long time to actually post anything. but lately it seems i have the opposite problem, i might post too much.

i think it would be great for you to keep posting. you will see that the people here are generally sincere good people who want to help.

all the best
zs

You guys are way ahead of me! I am still avoiding posting my 'down' days.......


GAVAAH  >

being a tzadik has it's price...  ;D

moshe - i know exactly what you mean, as soon as im not entirely comfortable at work, i want to escape, sometimes with shmutz and sometimes just plain timewasting/entertainment.

The only thing that stopped me these last 8 days was my taphsic method kaboloh - as kedusha kept reminding me, it has to hurt more to fall than not to fall. Maybe, its worth thinking about...

anyhow, i feel we're on the same page in this respect, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it further.

Hatslocho!

I'm living is Escapo land, running away from life at every opportunity.  My two escapes are work and acting out.  Last night I got home late and couldn't wait to get out the house again.  I had this urge that I couldn't control that "i just couldn't take it", I had to run away.  What was wrong at home, nothing! putting my kids to sleep should be the nicest thing I can do but I got so nervous when my son delayed me from leaving the house for 10 minutes.  Anyway, went to my office till 11pm, acted out twice.

I am finally beginning to notice that life is unbearable and porn makes me feel good.  Living a fake escape life for 15 years and trying to face life overnight is impossible.     

I'm feeling much more pain in life, feeling the need to run away much more.  I think these pain feelings are a good sign although I'm not sure how I could have withdrawal symptoms while still acting out but at least i'm feeling something.  I never felt anything, just ran away by default.

being aware is the very first step and you cannot get anywhere without it so you are doing something right. see if you can intercept the escape instinct and try to dodge it for a bit. during that time either reach out to another person or try to give it up to Hashem.

posting about it is also a great thing. takes honesty and humility. so you have some really great things going for you. hatzlocha!

moshe f

my heart breaks for

u

you are so close

soo very close

u will not have peace

till you attempt to change

and change you can


moshe we here have all been there

our kids makes us nervous

cause we cant look them in the eye


moshe if chalila chalia your kid would have needed stitches in the er

would you have neglected him to run to the office

heck no!! you would have been the most

giving caring father in the world

the only thing is we underestimate the importance of the silly little things

like tucking in a child

singing hamalach

helping with homework

(yes we feel guilty singing hamalch and soon were off to the office singing hagalach)

but but but

what are you giving up??

and for what??

when children are young they dont need money or toys or nosh

they need to feel secure at home
tatty and mommy are a team

that love them without question

(no  matter hoe imperfect either parent is)

with each child we get a one time shot at parenthood

moshe as we say in selichos

asay limaan yonkai shayim

assay limaan tinokos shell bais rabban

yes you can

yes i can

will i ever be perfect

probably not

will i try ??

heck yes

b

MosheF wrote on 05 Nov 2010 13:13:

Ouch. You're singing my life with your song, too. And I'm sure we're not alone here. And figuring out how to break the cycle of facing the pain while we give up the drug, well it sounds hard to us but the folks at the Betty Ford Clinic seem to have some way.

Anyhow, just wanted to commiserate and let you know that I've been there and done that. I've got some extra t-shirts I've bought that I could lend. But I can't quite give them away yet until I know that I'm not going to stay there much longer.

Good Shabbos.

Bardy- You hit it on the head

I Missed your unique posts.

Now i can say Sholem aleichem Welcome back!


Gut Shabbos.

David