Dear Momo, Dov hasn't been able to handle even ONE DAY on his own, but somehow Hashem has been handling it for him pretty well for 11.5 years.

All the wonderful Chizuk that GYE has to offer, can never give you what Dov & Duvid Chaim have. What is that? A very REAL living with Hashem.

So my advice to you is: If you want what they have, do what they do.

Hint: Speak to them on the phone. Duvid Chaim wanted to have 1-on-1's with everyone after they filled out the work sheets. And I'll bet if you PM Dov for his number, he'll send it to you and speak to you too! These guys were worse off than you, and today they BLESS their addiction! You can have that too.

I tell people all the time, we can't beat this addiction. It's impossible. Only Hashem can. So why doesn't He? He wants us to do ours, and then He'll do His. What is ours? The steps.

So just do the steps, even if you don't believe you'll get any where. just keep DOING them and DOING them. And then, you'll see the miracle. Hashem will come in and do HIS.

They say in the 12-Step groups: Faith is spelled a-c-t-i-o-n

This is your eternity we're talking about. You're WORTH IT. Don't quit before the miracle happens!

I was almost lost.

I had a VERY difficult 3 days. I fell twice. I have been under more pressure at work this week than I've had in a year. No Duvid Chaim calls. Elul always gets me down too.

I was seriously considering packing it all up, giving it all up. For 3 days I gave up fighting the addiction. I almost gave up on my job and almost quit. I was thinking of giving up on my dovening, knowing it's a slippery slope that I don't know where it would lead, but I'm sure in the direction of not being very frum anymore.

And then I asked myself, why??? Here were my answers: Because I looked at the past 6 months where I've risen and fallen but haven't overcame the addiction. Because I've seen other people on this forum pass me with clean days and left me behind in the dust.

Then I got started thinking. I've had an amazing 6 months. I've risen to heights at least twice that I hardly ever reach. I've had more clean days than usual. I've lived the past 6 months FIGHTING instead of floating through life.

I fought hard in the second half of the season (year), lost a few, but won enough to make it to the post-season (Elul). If a team works VERY hard to make it to the playoffs, and says they have no more strength to play and blows the playoffs, aren't they fools? NOW is when they have to gather their strength and fight even HARDER.

So I blew the first couple of games (days) in the playoffs (Elul). There are still 24 games (days) left! A comeback is in order!

Here is what should be my battle cry:

- I mustn't compare myself with other people on this forum, but rather look at myself and my accomplishments! (Thanks "I am" for pointing this out to me in a private email.)
- I am worthy of trying, and whatever I accomplish is wonderful in HaShem's eyes, even if it's not perfection!

Special thanks to Kedusha, Guard, and "I am" for your support.

Momo, why'd you change your avatar? I think the baseball dude I gave you was perfect!!   You're still in the game, and you always will be - till 120.

Let's forget about beating the addiction, ok? Leave that to Hashem. All He asks is for us to do OURS.

For you, I assume that is:

• stay on Duvid Chaim's calls,


• fill out the step 4 worksheet,


• keep writing summaries,


• have a 1-on-1 with Duvid Chaim,


• maybe give Dov a call,


• look into therapy options, etc...

Just keep doing YOURS, and don't worry about "fighting the addiction". Hashem Yilachem Lachem, Ve'atem Tacharishun. You'll see, miracles WILL happen!

Momo,

I wasn't going to post until sometime later, but I just saw your latest post on Tomim's thread and decided to respond here and now. You might not have today to check off on your list of being clean, but you do have right here and right now! Your neshama is so holy and the Y"H is working really hard on you and he wants you down and out for the count. Attitude is everything, so forget about being clean for now, just be happy!! At leat don't go beating up on yourself. It hurts us too when you do that. Please...

Have you thought of using the "I'm about to fall" thread? For next time, at least...

with you through thick and thin,

Struggle

So,
In many ways i'm not worthy of writing on this topic thread.
  For you have accomplished 6 months of nekiyut, and i am humbled by your power.
  You may say that you have reverted back. But i don't believe you. I respect you immensely.

I guess i am writing because i have thoughts.
  When we go for a long time and fall, we fall harder. We beat ourselves up more.
A fall is like a sign that there is still more we need to do to reach the ultimate goal,
  If we could just detach ourselves from despair, then we are closer to seeing what needs doing.
  I wish you freedom from despair, clarity like light.
Love,
Eden

bs"d
Momo wrote on 26 Aug 2009 04:55:


i had some hard times recently, and this thought (even if it's not perfection) kept popping in mind and kept me going too. whatever little avodas hashem i can do is still very precious even if it can't compare to others' avoda.

i felt so lowly right now that i even felt like watching p-rn (which i, b"H, don't do). instead i came on the forum, and your thread, momo, helped me not to. Thank you! I sincerely hope you're ok, momo.

Momo! You cannot imagine how inspiring it is to read your messages! How much do we all compare ourselves to others in term of number of days - while we forget the ultimate importance - HaShem. What does HE care how many days you have behind you? He wants His son to come close to Him and let him understand a little more of this world. If you fall - it had a reason. In the end, He  only wants you to come closer to Him; sometimes this is only achieved by travelling through the dark areas of this physical world.

To be remembered is also the fact: for all we know 1 clean minute of yours might be worth 20 clean years of someone else. Be happy for your challenges; it shows how much HaShem trusts you to be able to handle!

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate the kind words and chizuk.

I've not been doing well.

I'm under so much pressure from work, I've been acting out a lot, and staying late to catch up on work. That means missing Duvid Chaim's calls too. I've pretty much put my fight against the Y"H on the back burner, and slipped back to my old behavior (not as bad as before, but somewhere in between). I feel very badly that this is happening during Elul, a time when most people are doing Teshuva, while I am doing the opposite.

I am also feeling depressed, probably fueled by the fact I'm unhappy with my lack of spirituality.

I can't imagine how my posts inspire anyone. I guess my 'happier" posts do when I was closer to HaShem. At least I'll have a couple of zechuyot this year, so that's some consolation for me.

I wish everyone good luck and a great year. I love you all. I'm sorry to have failed and disappointed. YOU can do it. I really believe in every one of you.

bs"d

Dear Momo,

i don't feel failed at all. Your sincerity and honesty is what helps me to be sincere and honest as well. Your "happy" posts and your "hard times" posts both help me in very different ways. I feel bad that you have to go through this.

Momo wrote on 31 Aug 2009 05:21:


That is exactly how i feel as well. But somehow through you writing about it I was able to open my mouth and start talking to HaShem about it. I think i have been doing Hisbodedus for over 10 years now, every day, an hour or more (less if i was sick). Yesterday i couldn't do it anymore. It's the first time i think... i did a little bit any ways... maybe it counts as no interruption.

But while reading your posts i was able again to talk to Him.

Then yesterday evening of course i felt really guilty, and i wanted to do real bad things, incl. the ones i never do as i wrote  yesterday. Only your posts stopped me. Somehow you describing exactly what you feel had that effect on me (and not the other type posts).

chl wrote on 31 Aug 2009 10:10:


Wow. I am so pleased I've helped someone. Thank you for letting me know.

I am so impressed with the fact you do hisbodedus each day, no matter for how long. I can't do that.

Chl, I wish you so much strength. You are HaShem's child, and He loves you.

Sometimes we are rising stars, and sometimes we are falling stars, but we are all stars... "Momo"

guardureyes wrote on 31 Aug 2009 11:10:


LOL. Reb Guard, your sense of humor is coming out again.  Incriminating me by using my own words.

I will, bli neder, read and perform the following, daily:

Tenet #1: Fill my day with chizuk
Today I'll read through the GYE handbook when taking breaks at work, instead of surfing around. I'll read and respond to other people's posts and to my own posts on the forum, and get chizuk from them.

Tenet #2: Remind myself of my addiction
I am addicted to lust and it takes over my life if I don't try to control it, and I know that I can't control it all by myself.

Tenet #3: Strengthen my belief in Hashem
I believe in Hashem who will help me with my battle. I also have a circle of friends here on this forum who are helping me.

Tenet #4: Make Hashem's will my will

In matters of lust I pray: Hashem, while I will try today not to give in to any of my desires that are against your will, you Hashem, are the only one who can truly relieve my addiction. Please take it away from me!
In matters of anger and control: I believe that Hashem controls the world and the outcome of every situation. Therefore, I will try today not to get angry when something happens against my will. I have a natural tendency to want to control my life, my environment, and other people's lives. I need to learn to accept myself and others. I will try to learn to stop fighting, and let You Hashem, run the world the way You see fit.

Tenet #5: Remind myself why I must remove lust from myself
I have to stop lustful emotions as soon as they start, by reminding myself of the difference between "Pleasure" and "Happiness", and that I WANT to let go of the lust because of the following:
"Pleasure" is fleeting and false fulfillment. It cuts me off from the world and doesn't let me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem. It doesn't let me bind to the goodness in the world, and it makes me lose appreciation for my wife and children. The more I indulge, the more I am unable to find inner peace, and I remain closed up within a shell of "myself".
"Happiness" is real and ever-lasting fulfillment. It reconnects me to the world, lets me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem and helps me see the goodness in the world. This helps me gain appreciation for my wife and children, and to find inner peace.

Tenet #6: Break up the day, be happy
Today I'll be happy. I'll break the day into 3 segments: morning (when I wake up until lunch), afternoon (lunch until I get home), and night (when I get home until I wake up). For every hour, and especially after every segment I stay clean, I will be happy about it!

Tenet #7: Guard my eyes
Today I'll guard my eyes in the office and on the street. I will use my filters to guard my eyes on the internet. When I feel weak, I'll try to read from the GYE handbook instead of trying to bypass my filters.

Tenet #8: Make fences
Today I will not touch myself.
Today I won't act out when I "feel like it". I'll wait 10 minutes, sitting or walking around if need be, and by then the lust will have passed.

Tenet #9: Daven better
Today I will direct my energy and spiritual vigor into my prayers. Today I'll focus on davening with more kavana.

Tenet #10: Love, not lust
Today I will work on understanding and living with the awareness of the difference between "true love" and "animalistic lust".

guardureyes wrote on 31 Aug 2009 11:19:


Oh yeh, I forgot about my 10 commandments. Thanks for the reminder. 

Momo writes to someone who had a fall:

We're human, not angels, so it's OK that we fell. If we learn from our mistakes and use them to raise us up to an even higher level than before the fall, then our fall turns into a merit (thus Chazal say that our sins turn into merits afterteshuva me'ahava). And always repeat to yourself this great truth that "Hoping" recently posted on the forum: "A fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't trying."

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"Momo" posted about Duvid Chaim's group:

I thought I'd update everyone that thank HaShem I have 10 clean days so far. I haven't had that many days for a few weeks. I thank HaShem and Duvid Chaim's call group which offers hope and a way to fight the addiction with yesodot from the ground up.

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After a stumble with Facebook, "Momo" posted on the forum:

I need to learn from my fall, and this past fall has taught me that I have to cancel my Facebook account. It's really a waste of time anyway. The only reason I've been keeping the account is to see what's new in my friend's lives, see new photos of their kids, and have all of their email addresses in one spot. So I'll be "out of the loop". I'll miss someone's birthday. I'll miss a cute photo of a kid smiling. It's NOT worth it if it's going to trigger me to fall. I'm too sick to be on Facebook.

The next day "Momo" wrote:

Yesterday I said that I'd deactivate my Facebook account, and I did. Right before I did that, I said a prayer that with the z'chut of this action, HaShem should help everyone who's on this forum. Then, while I was doing the deactivation, the Y"H started voicing his objections "come on...". I countered by singing (in my head) a niggun really loudly. I felt very proud of myself after I did it, until I received a notice from Facebook that I can always activate my account again simply by signing in.

After searching the net, I found that you CAN request to have your account permanently deleted, and I did this too.

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Parable of the Day
Posted by "Momo"

I think I have a parable for the last few principles of the GYE attitude handbook:

Our struggle is like a baseball team, it's us playing against the other team (the Yetzer Hara). Although we try to win every game, that's super rare. The key is for us to win a lot more than the amount of games we lose.

A winning streak puts us on fire (and the more days we remain clean, the more invigorated we feel). And sure, if we lose a game after a winning streak, we get upset - but we don't give up! We have to get up and try again the next game. Although breaking a winning streak can break the momentum we built up, it doesn't mean we lost the season. It's just a small setback.

However, after losing a string of games, we feel demoralized. But here's where the similarities end. You see, the difference is, that in sports there are a limited number of games that don't go on past one year, so if they lose too many games, they are really out of the playoffs and they end their season. However for us, even if we lose many battles, we have many more years ahead of us (until our deaths), and we are never out of the game until we die.

As long as we're alive, it's never too late to stop losing and start winning!

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I will describe how I felt yesterday to remind me, in case I lose that feeling for a while. I also think it's important for everyone who hasn't experienced it to see what the "light at the end of the tunnel" feels like. Everyone on this forum has the potential to reach this state of mind! I think we'll get there with HaShem's help, with working the steps and with prayers. I pray daily that HaShem will let me hold on to this amazing feeling for just one more day, even if not at the same intensity as the first day I felt it.

It was like living in a different dimension (as Duvid Chaim speaks about). I felt really good all day, simply content. I didn't feel any lustful feelings. Nothing to fight. They weren't even in my mind. It's funny because no parameters in my life had changed, I had the same job, the same stress, but my attitude was totally different. I felt different. I saw the world differently. My usual feelings of lust and battling the lust were replaced with a feeling of closeness to HaShem. I felt a spiritual power (inner strength) that enabled me (gave me the confidence) to do things (mitzvot) that I would have normally been too shy to do. I felt as if I finally lived one of my days to it's fullest potential.

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Yesterday Duvid Chaim helped us understand Step 1 of the 12 steps with the Big Book: "We admitted we were powerless over lusting and that our lives had become unmanageable".

I love the saying we've been using in the calls: "I was once a cucumber, now I'm a pickle, and I'll never be a cucumber again." When I was very young I could lust normally, but now I'm an addict and I'll never be able to lust normally again. We addicts are different than other "regular" people. We will never be able to lust like them. We can't even lust a little bit, because once we get started we don't know how to stop. We can't control our feelings of lust.

We tried many methods, but they didn't work long term; Vows, dipping in the mikveh, saying the tikkun Klalli, filters, etc. But in the end, we always fell again.

Dangerously, after having some "clean" days, we often felt as if we were in control over the addiction, and that we were becoming immune to it and could beat this thing ourselves, but that's not true. We would eventually act out again. We have to face the facts; we can't control our addiction to lust!

We can't use our willpower to beat the addiction. Our "minds" got us into this addiction, so how can we expect our "minds" to get us out of it?

We shouldn't get depressed over the fact that we are powerless on our own. This just leads in to steps 2 and 3, which are; that we believe in HaShem and His ability to help us. We have to turn to HaShem for help and "surrender" ourselves to Him. We can start doing this by building a relationship with Him ("feeling dveikut"), by talking to Him, opening up our eyes and seeing Him around us, and feeling His hashgaha pratis.

An analogy: We are playing tug-of-war with our addiction. He's always pulling. When we fight it, he pulls back. When we have clean days, that means we've pulled stronger than the addiction. However, in a game of tug-of-war, what happens when you start to win a little bit? Usually, the other guy starts to pull back very hard. If he pulls very hard, you will slip. Once he sees that he's got you slipping, he'll pull even harder, and then you might even fall.

Playing tug-of-war gets tiring after a while. Imagine how tiring it can be after "playing" it for weeks, or even months!

I think it's time to stop fighting the addiction. Let's "surrender" ourselves to HaShem by letting go of the rope! When you let go of your end of the rope, the addiction on the other side GOES FLYING!

Instead of fighting the addiction, let's focus today on opening our eyes to see HaShem everywhere, in every physical object we see. Let's try to feel HaShem. Let's talk to Him. Let's serve Him today, just for today, instead of serving ourselves.

And instead of preparing for huge battles, let's ask ourselves each day when we wake up in the morning:
• Today, will I walk with HaShem, or will I walk alone?
• Today, will I see HaShem who hides behind every physical object, or will I only see the physical objects?
• Today will I serve HaShem, or will I serve myself?
Just food for thought.

Your friend,
Momo

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Saying of the Day
"Momo" from Duvid Chaim's 12-Step Group

"If Hashem keeps giving you the same test and you don't like it, pass the test so you can graduate on to the next test!"