:
You guys are impossible!

I haven't posted since I have nothing new to post, and I'm embarrassed to post the truth.
But, you asked, so you'll get it.

For the past few weeks I've given up the battle against the Y"H. I have collected a wealth of inappropriate material. I have let myself go.
Rav S told me once that men can live their whole lives like this (acting out). It's only a problem if we feel guilty. So, I've worked on not feeling guilty. I'm not sure this is what he meant, but to be honest, I don't know what he did mean.

So I tell myself, "This is the way I am. I need this stuff like air." I feel withdrawal symptoms if I don't get my daily fix.

I know you are reading this with disgust, but I also know you all understand my feelings. It's easier to choose the easy way out, even if it's the "wrong" choice.

Good bye for now, my dear friends.

Momo!

No disgust here, only love bro.
Sure, you know that some of us might think there are better ways to do it.

Wanting you to be happy. True happiness. Whatever that means for you.

L'hitraot Achi,
B'ahava,
Sturggle

Rage ATM wrote on 16 May 2010 07:04:


First, who said I'm happy? I'm not depressed, thanks to Rav S, and I give him credit for that. But, I wouldn't say I'm happy.
I'm not feeling anything. Maybe disappointed, or acceptance, I don't know.

I shouldn't post here because I don't belong here. This place is for people who are struggling, who are fighting and need help. Not for people who are too weak to fight and have given up.

Hmm..., I'd call that a fall in your struggle with GYEA. Maybe you should stop struggling with that as well. I'll accept you. Are you ready to accept yourself?

I'm also too weak and have given up - not on myself, but on the fight.

Rage, hang on to your boot, boy. I'd bet Rav S meant that as long as anyone feels they can live like this, there is obviously no personal reason to stop. So we won't, period. So why add guilt? I've never seen guilt (which is just more self-cenetered BS) work for changing a habit like this. If life with schmutz hasn't stopped working, why'd we quit? At least, that is the way is is for me. I'd be sitting here right now, gathering my "wealth" of porn, too, if I could! But I found that I can't. That I "shouldn't" is irrelevant to me, really, in addiction. Am I a rasha? I don't really care what I am. All I want to do is live. If the only way this dov can do that is sober, then so be it.

So, I am just as crazy about this Momo as the one I met on my cellphone a while back. No difference to me!

PS. and off I go to ask Hashem to help me be with Him all day today and to be useful to the people I am with, not to hurt anyone (including myself), and to be saved from gathering any more (fake) wealth....

When you stop giving up on yourself someday, know that there are a lot of caring and honest friends patiently waiting to welcome you back. Because we care a lot about a very special neshama named Momo.

Momo -

I love you. I respect you. That will never change. Never. Doesn't change how i feel if you find yourself in the shallow end of the pool, or off [in] the deep end. I hope you believe that.

I also hope you believe what I have come to know, and that is that the REAL MOMO is a special, sensitive person who is at his happiest when he is struggling to come close to Hashem. The REAL MOMO is honest with himself and with others. Look at the honesty you have displayed today. That's YOU, man.

There are a lot of people who make the mistake of defining themselves by what they do, by their profession, etc, and when they get too old or incapacitated to continue doing it, they lose their sense of self, their identity, and they get depressed, and feel their life is over.

How you "appear" to be acting at a given moment, like what you do for a living, is NOT what defines you. It's what you are INSIDE, your hopes and dreams, how you really wish to be, the Neshama that only Hashem who plumbs the hearts knows, that define who you are. What appears on the outside, is not the real you. When we were slaves, were we the low-lifes like the Mitzriyim called us, or were we beautiful yidden inside who were trapped by circumstances beyond out immediate control? Were we DOGS like the Germans called us, or were we NOBLE beings, a Tzelem Elokim that they could not recognize because of their myopic and predjudiced vision?

Momo, realize that you are, already, MUCH MORE than what role you are choosing to play right now. DO NOT CHOOSE GUILT. Fine, agreed, BUT CHOOSE PURPOSE. Look INSIDE into yourself, see the Goodness, the HEART, the REAL NESHAMA of yourself, yearning to breathe free, to find happiness with this life, in this lifetime.

I will let you in on a secret yesod behind Tekiyas Shofar. Before the tekiyos on Rosh Hashana, we say "Min Hameitzar, karasi Kah, Aneini B'Merchav Kah" - From the Straights I call out to you, Hashem, you answer me with YOUR expansiveness." Simply, the moshol is that we blow thru the narrow (straights) of the shofar, and Hashem hears, and answers to, the loud sound that comes out the other end.

But really, we are crying out to Hashem THROUGH the trails and tribulations of the this, narrow, constricted world He has placed us into. Our neshamos, which came from His breath, are FORCED into the narrow confines of this world, which we must pass thru. If we do it wrong, the sound that comes out is just an amplification of our breathing, just hevel havaalim. If we do it right, the sound comes out beautiful, rich, resonant despite it's somewhat mournful quality. If we do it right, the neshama that is squeezed as it passes thru this world comes out at the end as a BIG, LOUD NESHAMA, for it has grown in intensity and richness. Yet it is NOT a TRUMPET BLAST, a geivedike "Here I am - LOOK AT ME!" sound. It is a rich "Hineini - Here i am, READY TO SERVE" sound. Strong, yet humbled.

So HOW do we "do it right"? As a baal tokeyah, I can tell you the trick is to purse your lips, like you were going to spit. Some actually DO spit a little and you can hear the raspy sound of that moisture in the shofar. The spit-like beginning reminds us how our neshama got into this guf, thru a lowly tipas zerah, to start it's journey. Then to keep the tekiyah going requires vibtating the lips - agitation - while pushing more breath through. Nothing worthwhile is accomplished in this world without hard work, without agitation. To end the tekiyah or to punctuate the teruah requires using the tongue to close off the airflow sharply, not just stopping the breath. If we want our neshamos to grow, we must watch how we use our tongue. It is a prerequisite to kedusha, guarding one's tongue.

When we hear the shofar, we realize and feel our that Hashem is hearing the cry of our neshama itself, forced to be humbled through it's passage thru this narrow tube that does not let us express our true selves. But if our kavana is to get closer to Hashem, to accept with humility that He loves us especially because He has imposed this journey upon us, then we can come out a greater, bigger neshama at the end.

Hashem's hand is outstretched to you, and he will NEVER remove it, no matter how long it takes you to be ready to grasp it.

As are the hands of ALL your friends here at GYE, including me.

Hang in there, MOMO!!

Anybody who can get a mushy post out of Rage and a megillah out of Steve, is one strangely lucky fellow!

Dov, when are you giving me Short Post Lessons?

Dov said it best. An addict can't stop as long as he can live with it. The only way out, is to daven that Hashem help you not be able to live with it anymore. And let's pray he helps us in an easy way, cuz this can also happen if we lose our jobs over it, or our wives find out. That's often what it takes to get an addict to "not be able to live with it anymore". And when that happens, he finally finds Hashem's help, cuz he has no choice but to cling to Him for DEAR LIFE.

Steve wrote on 16 May 2010 19:18:


Ahh, glasshoppal, you have finally come to da sifu for sholt post ressons....goood, vellly goood. Filst, you need to sit quiet loom. Quiet. Velllly quiet. OK.

Now, inharre....inharre.....lelax velly quiet and and horrd it....now. relax again and inharre....inharre a ritter mollle. OK.

If stirr conscious, you now leady for resson:

Bleath deeprry in and inharre....wait a minute. Sifu meant "exhale for those rast few times, vellly solly.

What you say? You loom is brrack and you cannot see? Ok, now velly quiet...

(three hours and 207 gigabytes later...)

Now you undastand what sholt post all about glasshoppal?

Vellly goood.

Prease harre me a cab now, thank-you.

I feel like you guys are writing to me stuff like "Keep up surfing MOMO as long as you're happy."

WTF?

Do you guys really think I'm happy feeling out of control? Being a slave to myself?
Do you guys really think I'm happy wasting 90 percent of my work day surfing and not working? Falling way behind in my schedule? Covering up for myself at work?
Do you guys really think I'm happy having an emotional-less and non-physical relationship with my wife? Lusting after other women?

For weeks I've numbed myself and taught myself not to feel any guilt. Now, by your writing and asking me to write I've started to feel again, and da*n you all, now I'm getting emotional.

How can you ask me to stop lusting? It's too powerful! You guys more than anyone should know this.

Momo, nice to see you around. you ain't looking for sympathy, we all know this addiction is crap on wheels. but you gotta do something. if you don't want to lose your wife, family,  job, self-respect - just case Rabbi S. can't help you doesn't mean nobddy can. Find someone else. or drop  the a-bomb and join an sa group. sounds like you reached rock  bottom - u know u can't stop this alone. frankly u got a choice. choice is yours, I hate to say.

I ain't judge'n. God knows I've done a load of evil. bUT this I ask - if something work, then try something else.

kanesher wrote on 17 May 2010 11:37:


Kanesher, thanks for your response.
I haven't hit rock bottom yet. I still have my wife, and I will unless I chas veshalom cheat on her, and I still have my job (so far).
Maybe that's the problem. I know it's best to change before hitting rock bottom (hit bottom while on top), but another side tells you "you CAN carry on like this..."

"I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police." - Keith Richards

I don't think a person can get real help if his motivation comes from getting caught. It has to come from within - as Rage says - , and the only way, is to have a problem with the drug itself. It deprives you of your life. It kills you.