Can we worry about you anyway? We just feel so empty without someone to worry about.  ;D

Hello momo aifo ata?? Oh your offline till wednesday. Oh ok i was getting nervous and a little worried!

HEY!!!
WELCOME BACK!!!

We missed you! How are you?

Momo wrote on 10 Feb 2010 06:13:


My, Momo, that was awfully FORWARD of you....

Anyway, good to see you back at home where you belong.

'Later, Dude....

annoys shmanoys. The amazing thing is that after all you've been through, you keep trying to stay clean and don't give up. I have never met anyone on this forum yet with your peserverence, Momo. And that says a LOT. One day when you get upstairs you will see how precious these clean streaks were, small as they may have been at times... KOT NMW

guardureyes wrote on 10 Feb 2010 06:43:


I'm gonna have to second Reb Guards motion on this one, you are the king of perseverance!!! You are the living embodiment of "שבע יפול צדיק וקם!!!" 

Keep on fighting the good fight!

I can't believe I keep falling for the Y"H's tricks.
A couple of days ago my wife insisted we see a movie. No nudity, but of course it had an attractive actress.
Of course I couldn't get her out of my head.
Of course I had to look for more photos of her on the Internet. No nudity, but dressing gowns that half-exist.
Of course you know what happened next. Slippery slope.

Yes, my wife know about my struggle, but she really, really wanted to watch a movie with me.
Also, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that dressed women can trigger me. I think she only thinks women in their underclothes or n**** would trigger me. I really don't want to disappoint her by telling her that even dressed women who are attractive trigger me.

Until I have more will power to watch a movie and not take it further the next day on the Internet search engines, I guess I should just explain to her that I can't watch any more movies, right? I don't know. What about our shalom bayit (if she really, really wants to watch a movie and says "there's no nudity in it so it's OK)"?

I know exactly what you mean about seeing someone and the searching for more pictures of them on the internet and then sledding down that slope faster than you ever imagined. I think you should try to explain to your wife what movies do to you, and ask her, "what can we do together instead of movies, that you would enjoy" so that you don't ruin your shalom bayis by not watching with her...

Hatzlacha!

It's tough being an addict, but hey, we just gotta avoid those peanuts.

If your wife wants to watch a movie, have her go through it slowly first (moving the play-bar slowly over each minute or so) and check if there are any women in it that have tight clothing or dresses above the knees - and that there are no scenes. If she confirms that it's ok, you should be more or less safe. But in most cases, she will not be able to confirm this, and you'll be able to get out of it. And she'll respect you for your integrity, I believe. After all, even a non-addict has to "guard his eyes" according to Halacha, and looking at attractive women for an hour straight is not exactly shmiras ainayim, is it? This is plain and simple Halacha. And - be'etzem - it applies even when the women are fully dressed. She can respect Halacha, no?

Have her read this article too: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/Movies.asp 

guardureyes wrote on 10 Feb 2010 13:40:


Yes, that article is right on point!

Momo wrote on 10 Feb 2010 08:59:


Hopefully, your wife will respect you for living according to your principles, as Guard wrote.

In any event, Shalom Bayis is only an issue assuming you survive the experience.  If it kills you, of what value is Shalom Bayis?

Kedusha wrote on 10 Feb 2010 16:24:


Ouch. Touche!

I wonder if there's some way you can express the issue to her in a way, by explaining how attracted you are to HER, even when she's dressed...?

Funny! A close friend of mine in the program called me last night and asked about the very same thing - his wife wanted to watch a movie with him, too!
As some folks here have already shared, the last thing you want to do (though it's better than nothing!) is to just point out to her how clueless she is. It is better for both of us if I take a minute to remind my wife how much I love her and how I see being honest with her as the best way to stay extra-close. (She approciates closeness)
I let her know that I just have limitations. Not because I am better than other folks, or because I am frumer or trying to live at a higher standard than others, though. Rather, it is because I am sick. I am oversensitive - actually allergic to frivolous lust-peddling. Not be being intimate with her, though, cuz that's real.
Does that make any sense to anyone?
Loving her, loving yourself, even loving Hashem - anyone can sympathize with that!

What Dov means to say is that if you say it over in the RIGHT WAY, she won't take it in the wrong way.
After all, she can surely sympathize with a guy who loves Hashem and loves her (and loves himself enough to not want to put up walls between himself and her/Hashem) 



BTW Momo, going through old posts I found this saying from you:

"If Hashem keeps giving you the same test and you don't like it, pass the test so you can graduate on to the next test!"

dov wrote on 11 Feb 2010 22:02:


There's another reason not to call one's wife "clueless" in such a situation - it's a significant overstatement of her grasp of the matter! ;D