guardureyes wrote on 20 Jan 2010 15:19:


Ya he mentioned in a thread that he was taking a little leave of absence from the forum. Maybe hes still watching from the side line. I think he should be back some time soon....IT25 where are youuuuuuuuuuuu??

Momo, you do what you need to to grow. Just make sure you know which voice you're listening to.

My heart goes out for you Momo. Im really sorry i wasnt there for you. But you kow as well as anyone, 90 days isnt everything. Its not even the ikkar. It s a great thing, but our attitutde change is so much more important. And we all know that the Momo today with the fall is nothing like the Momo of the past. So keep going strong my brother. Well get there eventually.

Momo,

I'm sorry I live in a diff time zone, 7 hours away, and due to keeping GYE private even from my wife, I don't check the forum from home. So I only saw your call out now.

I hope our holy bros in EY start with the Gchats, but best would be to share cells for emergency calls like this. C'mon, voicemail ID's can be made somewhat anon, if that's the trouble.

OK, the SHORT post:

All I can say Momo is what i've said before, you gotta BELIEVE in yourself, cuz you can do it, even w/o the 90 day chart business. There are lots of tools in the shed, just gotta choose the one that works for you, and keep it sharp. I recommend the 12-Step program VERY highly, and I think you personally would benefit so much from Duvid Chaim's approach.

Now the LONG post:

Ever watch a little kid throw a tantrum after his Tatty told him NO? He screams as loud as he can, he kicks the wall, he turns over chairs, he makes a big ruckus. What does Tatty do? He waits. When he sees his kid finally fall to the floor, whimpering or crying in buckets, but not rebelling anymore, just feeling the pain, THAT'S when he picks him up and gives him a gentle hug. To let him know he still loves him, even tho he had to be strict. Sometimes the child tries, while in the father's arms, to kick and punch and rebel again, to try to exert some control or rage. What does a WISE Tatty do then, throw him back down on the floor? No. He holds him even tighter. Sometimes he pins the little rascals arms down, sometimes not. But Tatty holds on to his son, just tight enough and long enough till the child realizes that no matter how he treated his Tatty, his Tatty still loves him, and is there for him, and will protect him, and can be trusted.

Momo, your Tatty in Shomayim is VERY close to you right now. I'm so sure that if you go to some quiet place, or to a beis medrash that is empty (go up and kiss the peroches), and speak to your Tatty, until the tears come, you WILL feel His hug. Talk to him. Don't wait for Shemoneh Esrai. UNBURDEN yourself onto His shoulders. Ask for signs. Love Him, BE HIS SON. He will respond, and you will see He LOVES you no matter what you do when you are hurting.

Momo, you have the unbelievable zechus to live in EY. If you can get to Kever Rochel, announce yourself to Mama Rochel when you get to the Matzeivah, and open up your kishkas to her, begging her to go to Hashem, crying like a baby to his mother from the pain of being lost and separated, FULLY AND EMOTIONALLY PROCLAIMING YOUR DESIRE to become clean one day from all the shmutz....  MOMO, HOW COULD YOUR TEFILLOS NOT BE ANSWERED?! HOW COULD YOU NOT BE SHOWN A NEW PATH?

May HKB"H, Our Tatty, help you to see his love for you more and more, and to ANSWER your bakoshos so you ALWAYS KNOW He's there for you.

One day GYE will have to put out a book with  Steve's insights.
I cant say it any better than his post which obviously comes directly from the heart.
We celebrate with you your longest streak ever

Oh, Momo....

I also have ups & downs in my closeness to Hashem. People ask me where I daven in the morning. I answer "wherever I find myself when I wake up after getting hit in the chest 3 times..!" Sometimes when my heart isn't in it, I even skip a tefillah. I know that's wrong, and waiting till after chatzos to put on tefillin for a mincha b'yechidus can make a man AWFULLY hungry, but my YH convinces me to do that. When I was acting out, I used to do that more often cuz I felt ashamed to approach Him so soon after having "blood" on my hands, or in my eyes. On the positive side, at least I was HONEST with myself, not thinking I was some tzaddik faking my tshuvah.

If we were always meant to be super connected, we'd be malochim. I think avodas Hashem is alot like the rollercoaster we're all on together, it's not that one falls, but what one does AFTER the fall that counts.

I've gone for YEARS just waiting for the "next" tefillah to have kavannah, giving up during the "current" tefillah. If I don't do something, my whole life will be spent waiting for the feeling, instead of making it happen. I've been trying baby steps, like reading Tomar Devorah monthly, according to the daily divisions. There's a Hebrew/English copy, a small blue sefer, with the days divided like that. Seeing how HKB"H interracts with us thru his gervaldige middos of chesed, and having practical suggerstions from the author on how to emulate that, AND DOING THEM, has helped to make me feel closer to Him. Don't understand how, but it improves my connection.

I've also noticed how a lot of times my depressions that separate me from Him are because I am VERY needy of other people, their approval, their good opinion of me, etc., and I get upset when my ego (not talking geivah, just stam) is hurt, and so I stop believing in myself and my own self worth. Again in baby steps, but I think I found one eitza. It's called "giving with sweat." If I volunteer to do grunt work that is a chesed for someone else, who doesn't even know it, and therefore can't even pay me back with praise, it helps. Something like filling up boxes of food in the middle of the night, and going with a Tomchei Shabbos crew to deliver those crates in secret thru the night, puts one into a great mindset of serving others. One becomes humbled by the knowledge of how much other people need him. The sweat makes it real, instead of cerebral. Now your focus is less on what others are not doing for you, but on what you can do for others. And you have a great warm, fuzzy feeling inside that adds to your self-worth.

Maybe by finding other successes in different mitzvos and meisim tovim might help you and me to reach out and touch Him more.

Whaddayatink?

Momo wrote on 20 Jan 2010 14:38:
Not to stoke one's bitterness, but I feel you are bringing up a point that has been bothering me since Uri's thread's expansion. It seemed to me that the greatest volume of flurries of posting occurred when he was at the verge of slipping/falling, whatever, then back from the brink, and again to the edge. I needed Drammamine, personally.
Well-meaning folks were coming out of the woodwork tobe mechazeik him, to plead with him, etc.
And by golly, it's a forum and that's what we are supposed to do! I guess...
But it's not that way where I come from. If I called my sponsor and told him I was "on the edge" (c"v), he'd callme back.....but he wouldn't call me up the next day to see how I was doing. "The one who wants the help makes the call, period", is his byword. In the 12 step circles I frequent, those who tell another addict "I hope you don't slip," or, "don't do it, you'll be sorry," are seen as going too far. Better to say "go ahead. This way I'll get to see what happens and that way I won't have to lose my sobriety to learn a lesson!"
Sounds cruel?
Maybe - but we are always ready to lend a listening and kind ear when another guy makes that call, and toshare our recovery with him with a full heart. We just recognize that we have no power to make anyone else recover - only Hashem does. We can only share, not convince. If another addict's heart is moved by what we say, or by how we listen, then we did our job.
I love you, rather than fix you. G-d does the fixing when you want it.
That's just how I see it, which is why I generally refrained from those flurries. It scares me and makes me feel too powerful, when I am tempted to look at this stuff like "kiruv". Kiruv is not an ilness, it's not like recovery. To me, this is an illness, not a madreiga, and I have not the power to keep myself sober today - how can I possibly save anyone else's sobriety?

If anyone who reads this is not insulted or upset by it, but sees it's merit, they might consider focusing their posts/shares on their solution - sharing what has actually worked for them in some way, practically. Theory is for the beis hamidrash. This is the battlefield.  At least please keep it that way for when I post that I'm going through a rough time one day....thanks. Love you all!
Thanks for sharing, Momo.

Momo wrote on 21 Jan 2010 06:34:


A wise man once said:

"Restricting yourself frees yourself to be the real you, while acting out-of-control allows the addiction to control you."

One day you will understand the truth of what this wise man meant. 

Momo,
In truth it is important to understand that after each fall we can learn something new about ourselves.  And I see the way you introspect that you are getting in touch with your self more in terms of how you act and how you make decisions.  Ultimately, this will be used for your advantage.

Keep growing! One brick at a time. (learn from Will  )

My dear friend Momo,

I'm sorry to hear your fall, but please remember that you are still a massive warrior who bulldozed right past your previous record, beating it by 75%! I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing right now, and I'm giving you a huge GYE virtual hug, a big virtual hug, that without any words says, Momo, we still love you just the same, we feel your pain, we admire you so much for your valiant stand and are here for you.

We may not always be around, (I usually only can do any GYE stuff from 1-4AM, unhealthy hours for any addict, but the only ones I get total privacy and peace and quiet), but we always care. See how much traffic your thread gets, everyone is always checking in with the Mo-man.

We're waiting for you to come back roaring, take your time, wait till your ready, but we know that eventually you are going to crown the top of that 90 day WOH page. In the meantime  take smaller goals for yourself, any goal of kedusha is a good goal.

It is so clear from your posts that you are investing yourself wholly in beating this, you work so hard to be a good father, husband, Yid, - may Ha-shem see that and lessen your burden...

With a heart full of love,
Haba

Momo, check out the comment at the bottom of this page: www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2062

Momo wrote on 21 Jan 2010 13:59:


That's right.

Rage great post. Couldnt be more maskim. Thats hebrew not yiddish, you know?!?

And Momo happy to hear your pickin yourself right up. It shows that all weve done in the past really got us places. Keep on rocking!!!

Rage ATM wrote on 21 Jan 2010 13:54:


Gaonus, my dear friend!

On the other hand, if it helps you, then by all means, think to yourself "I'm not going to let myself fall - I don't want to have to reset my count after I've come this far!"

Hey Momo,

How you doin? Listen, just to make this Shabbos special, please go buy yourself a 1.75 liter bottle of the W and just send the bill to me, Uncle Haba gonna take care of eet real nice for you!!!!

You Rock!!!!

habaletaher wrote on 22 Jan 2010 10:37:
Hey no fair!! > Why didnt i get this offer?? > Huh?? >