If you join an SA group you will start to believe that it is possible... I know it feels impossible at this stage. But just read the recovery stories on our website, look at people like Dov who were much worse off than you - and see what they have achieved!!

Also, I strongly recommend reading through the handbooks carefully, from begining to end. You will learn that there is hope - and there are tools, no matter how far the addiction has progressed. And the Attitude handbook will give you some great perspective.

Momo, I am answering 20 guys a day by e-mail and on the forum. I wish I could write each person long detailed posts, but it's impossible. That's whay I spent a month, days and nights, working on these handbooks. FOR YOU!! Please, please read them. If your eternity is important to you. You will find there so much more than I can give you in these short posts. You will see how to approach the falls, to understand this struggle, to appreciate your progress, etc... You will learn the tools that really work, and you will learn how to beat this for the LONG TERM.

YES, YES, YES. IT IS POSSIBLE. That is what Hashem sent you down to the world for...

A nice article by Rav Ahron Moss:

Why You Shouldn't Be Religious

Is Judaism an all-or-nothing deal? I don't know if I will ever be fully religious, but I have started to incorporate Jewish spirituality into my life. If I get more involved in Judaism, will I have to change my entire lifestyle? Is there no grey area in between being totally religious and being totally secular?   

Welcome to the grey area. That's where the Jewish soul finds itself. We don't identify ourselves as either religious or secular. That division is an artificial one, completely foreign to Judaism. In fact, biblical Hebrew does not have a word for "religious", and there was never such a category in Jewish life.   

Rather than boxing people into religious or secular, the Jewish view differentiates between two other categories: those who are growing in their spiritual life, and those who aren't. We are either souls alive, or souls asleep.   

In matters of the soul, more important than how high you have reached is how far you have moved. And you'd be surprised; someone who may look very holy could actually be completely stagnant in this struggle, and someone who you may have labeled as secular is in fact a spiritual hero.   

One person may pray every day, while another prays only once a week. But the first prayed every day all his life, while the second guy never prayed before at all. One has taken a step forward, while the other is just treading water. Who is achieving more?   

In truth, we don't know. To compare one person's spiritual level to someone else's is impossible and pointless. But we do have to compare our own spiritual level today to what we were yesterday. Whether we pray daily, weekly, or not at all, we each have to ask ourselves, Am I on the way up in my soul development, on the way down, or just cruising?   

Forget about becoming religious. Just become a soul alive. The Jewish challenge for all of us is to live and grow in that shifting grey area, where my today is higher than my yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better.   

This was a beatiful post, Guard.

Momo, you have to believe that if I am doing it, anybody can. If there is somebody who set on himself to suck the marrow of the pleasures that this world has to offer, and if there is somebody who was completely surrendered to the Y'H, this was me. I had tried  to stop 100's of times in the past without success. This time, I did something different. First, I spent a great deal of time reading most of the information provided in this site, and specially the FAQs and tips. Second and foremost, for the first time in my life I became DEAD SERIOUS about my shemiras einaym. I remember several months ago reading a letter in a Jewish magazine about somebody that was annoyed upon seeing that a house kept  pregnancy and diet magazines as "bathroom reading material". I laughed to myself wondering how could anybody be triggered by seeing pictures of women in these magazines. However, while I laughed, my addiction was out of control. I realized that even if the pictures themselves are not particularly terrible, just looking at them caused subconscious damage to my neshama and this in turn fed the Y'H. The solution for my was to STOP looking at anything femenine that I dont need to know about. Now, B'H, I will not look at any women in the street, whether she is beatiful or homely, fat or thin, old or young. I will not look at any of the pretty woman pictures that are constantly  being bombarded in the internet or newspaper. I will not look at the woman at the store counter and I could not care less what she thinks. Nothing. Zipo. And the reason this has worked is not because I am not being stimulated. I still have a memory and an imagination of gargantuan proportions.  There is kabbala concept that says:

ITARUSA D'LETATA, ITARUSA D'LEILA, which means that an awakening (and effort) from below (i.e. us) causes a reciprocation of an awakening from above (Hashem).

Momo, as the heilige day of Shavuos approaches, I wish you and everybody in this forum a Kabolas haTorah beSimcha u'bePenimyus.

Wow YosefYakov!!

In our Handbooks we write that Shmiras Ainayim is the first step, the middle step, and the final frontier as well! Often people stop the really bad behaviors at first, but they can still struggle sometimes with Shmiras Ainayim in the street for years... They can be strong for a few weeks and then it starts to get hard again...

But in your case, it seems you started and ended this monumental task in one HUGE JUMP!

One who completely guards is eyes is indeed guaranteed long term success! We don't lust for what we don't see. (And the memories fade away much faster too...)

My Bracha to you is, that you should keep up this AMAZING and INSPIRING resolve until 120!!

May we all learn from you.

Memo, never give up. from the darkest depths come the greatest light.

Try anything to win, SA, 12 steps and all the tips here at GUE.

Sorry to burst everyone's pre-Shavuot giddiness, but I'm having a bit of a crisis. I don't know how to internalize everything written on this site, including the 12 steps.

- I've read the 2 GYE handbooks.
- I am honest with myself, and post on the forum.
- I've admitted that I have a lust addiction and can't beat this thing myself.
- I read a lot of material about the 12 steps.
- I read the GYE tips, and even committed (blee neder) to give 200 shekel everytime I fall. I've given 200 so far, need to give now another 200. (I see somebody getting rich off my sinning.)
- I tried unsuccessfully to attend both SA and SLAA meetings (called and emailed representatives of both).
- I joined a daily accountability group within SLAA.

Nothing has helped!!! I still feel lustful, and lonely and bored. I still surf the net. I still act out. I make promises every morning just to break them way too often.

I read over and over that it can be done, but HOW? How do you take the tefillot and promises made upon waking up and internalize them/carry them out throughout the day?

Dear Momo, I'll try and answer you in today's Chizuk e-mail. How's that?

Momo, I commiserate with you completely. Why don't you get a filter or an accountability partner through Covenant Eyes etc? Yes, its before Shavuos. make up a goal, like Through the days before Shavuos and a week after. Then you will extend it. but try for one week. Experience how good it feels after a clean day to go to sleep knowing you were clean. it will help you for the next day.

dear momo, i feel your pain and frustration because i've been there.it's true, nothing seems to help.except group support, that is. but there's one more thing you need, brute strength.but you cant do it alone, no matter how strong you are.this thing is too powerful.get a strong sponsor, call HIM every time you want to act out.do whatever you have to do, but by all means, DONT act out! here are some techniques: go to to a stream and scream loud, where noone can hear you.you have to get the anxiety out of your system in a healthy way.hit your bed with a tennis racket - but dont act out - it will do nothing for you! it'll only pull you back into that vicious cycle.if you know how, meditate.but you have to let the anxiety out of your body.you have to go through this for 90 days STRAIGHT! it will be torture - believe me, i know.but you have to do it for your sake, for your friends' sake, wife's sake, children's sake, and for G-d's sake.get a sponsor, you will help only you, you must do it! you know you have a problem - that is the first step.now, grab the bull by the horns, be mechazek yourself, you will see the rewards are well worth it - jack

For those who need help relaxing, I recommend the dietary supplement L-theanine.  L-theanine is an amino acid found in green tea, which promotes relaxation (it is the reason people find green tea to be relaxing, even if it has caffeine.  Coffee, on the other hand, makes people jittery, because it has caffeine but does not have L-theanine).  L-theanine neither keeps you awake nor puts you to sleep - it simply promotes relaxation and stress reduction.  Interestingly, in Japan, they put L-theanine in chewing gum, similar to the way they put caffeine in cola (and other products) in the U.S.

dear momo - 2 more things - one, you mentioned you're lonely and bored.these are 2 traps to watch out for.you have to deal with these issues somehow. number 2 - the 90 days is like taking antibiotics - you cant skip a day because the antibiotics have to be present in the blood for the medication to take effect. similarly here, a slip AFTER the 90 days is A LOT DIFFERENT from a slip DURING the 90 days, as long as it does not lead back into the addictive cycle, which it can do if you let it.so, the 90 days have to be just that, 90 days straight, with ABSOLUTELY NO SLIPS for the 90 day rule to work.i wish you the best of the best.

MOMO!!! COME BACK!! WE NEED YOU!! :'(

Momo, you promised me that right after Shavuos you'll start exploring the tools in the GYE handbooks with us, tool by tool, step by step... What happened? Why are you giving up before even trying to do that?? And also, why can't you accept that every little bit you do is priceless? That every "no", even if it lasts only for a few days, or even a few minutes - is so precious! And that is what will ultimately help you break free completely... all the little "no"s that you thought were worthless!

The fact you noticed my post asking you to "come back" only a half hour after I posted it, means your neshama is still looking for a way out, pushing you to check what's new on GUE!

Momo, please, all that work I put into the Attitude Handbook, was it all for nothing? If it can't help you, who will it help? You are making me want to cry. PLEASE, PLEASE READ BELOW SOME QUOTES:

8. Making recovery our #1 priority.

Nothing worthwhile comes without hard work. One of the greatest obstacles stopping a person from changing is the notion that it can be done without a lot of investment. We live in a generation of instant results, and we come to expect that whatever needs to happen should happen quickly. We tend to forget that our whole purpose on this world is to change and improve. We tend to look at any weakness that we have as an "inconvenience" that needs to be gotten out of our way (or ignored), while in reality it's Hashem's personal message telling us exactly what He sent us to this world for. As it is brought down in the Sefarim (Tzidkas Hatzadik #49 and #181), that the things we struggle with the most in life, are the very things that we came down to the world to fix.

The Vilna Goan (Sefer Yona 4:3) talks about Gilgulim (a Gilgul means that the soul comes back to this world after a previous life).  And he explains that every soul has one major job to fix on its return to this world, in the one major area that he messed up last time. So the Vilna Goan asks, how we can know what the purpose of our soul’s Gilgul is? And he answers that we can figure it out by observing what sins we stumble in the most frequently, and which sins we have the most intense desire for.

So, if this is what we indeed came down to the world for, did we think it would be FAST AND EASY??? Let us make our recovery the number one most important thing in our life.

23. Every Little Bit Counts.

We must believe that coin after coin are added to our “spiritual bank” every time we say “no” to the addiction, no matter how insignificant it may seem to us at the time. Even if someone is sure that they’ll fall in the very near future, they should know that for every second they hold back, they are earning reward that no person or malach can fathom! And when a person has enough “coins” in their “spiritual account”, they will succeed to break free completely!

The Gemara says: "Habah letaher misaayen lo – He who comes to be purified, they help him", and Chazal also say: "Biderech she'adom rotzeh leilech molichin osoh – in the way a person wants to go, they lead him". Why does the Gemara speak always in plural form: “they help him”, and “they lead him”? The Maharsha explains that every resolution and every effort a person makes creates an angel. And when the army of angels gets large enough, it has the power to help one overcome all the obstacles and lead him to where he wants to get!

24. It’s never all or nothing

The notion that we must always succeed, actually turns us into easy prey for our Yetzer Hara. He uses our good qualities, such as our constant yearning for perfection, and he turns it against us by trying to get us to feel down when we had a fall! In this struggle, it is never “all or nothing”. When an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? The Pasuk says: “There is no Tzadik on earth that does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20).

If you were watching a fight between a man and a lion, who would you be inclined to reward more, a man with a gun who shoots the lion in one fell blow, or the man who needs to use his bare hands? In the latter case, there is a huge fight and sometimes the man is down and the lion is winning, yet he manages to push off the lion again and again and finally overpowers him and wins the fight! Hashem wants to reward us with infinite divine delight, and he gave us a beast inside us to slay. He could have made us mighty as the Malachim, but it is only through human beings who fight with their bare hands in the darkness of this world, that Hashem’s divine presence is uplifted and is able to brighten the darkest places.

Rav Hutner once wrote a letter to a Bochur who was despondent over his personal spiritual failures. In the letter, Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not basking in the exclusive company of one's Yetzer Tov" but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the Yetzer Hara. Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

25. Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results

Hashem doesn’t seek great successes and big achievements from us. Whether we succeed in a big way or not, is ultimately His business. All he asks from us is that we try to get a little stronger every day, and do what we can at this point in time. Our struggle with the Yetzer Hara is even more precious to Hashem than our ultimate success in breaking free. Hashem has enough great and powerful Malachim in Shamayim, but only humans struggle with the Yetzer Hara and can give Hashem a Nachas Ruach through that.

It is brought down in the sefer Menucha V'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhiner, that even a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a Tzaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight. We like to think of success in terms of results.  But Hashem looks at our efforts, not at the results.

The Be’er Mayim Chayim says that in the army, when they would want to test a great soldier to see if he's fit to be a general, they would put him on a wild horse that was impossible not be thrown off of. The whole test was only to see how fast he would get back up after he was brutally thrown down and wounded.

MOMO-
I hope you are still reading this. I do not have the experience of others on this forum, but I would like to mention the following thoughts. Firstly, I have found that speaking to someone(even on the phone), can help tremendously,especially when you feel down. You do not need to be ready to start fighting again, just speaking it out puts things into perspective. Posting and email are great tools, but in my opinion, they do not come close to talking(even on an anonymous phone conversation). So I suggest that you call Elya just to tell him what you are feeling(even if you have to force yourself to make this call) before giving up. You have nothing to lose!
On a note off Chizzuk, I want you to know that even thugh you have been having a difficult time of late, that in no way dilutes what you accomplished while sober. Whenever I focuson my failures, I am almost guaranteed to not appreciate what I am accomplishing by being sober. I am always thinking about the pointlessness of the fight in light of the fact that i feel that the failure will come eventually anyhow. In truth, however, the 90 day chart has taught me to count my successful days. Each day is precious, both in the eyes of Hashem and in our travel towards recovery(maybe those two things are the same?). If you do the same, you will realize that every streak that you have had will never go away! Please I encourage you to post even if you aren't ready to restart your chart yet.

Call Rabbi Ya'ir Shochet  (English and Hebrew Speaker) in ISRAEL
Working with sexual addiction in the frum community for many years.
Trained in the 12-Steps (and author of the book "The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life")
Also helps couples deal with a spouse who is addicted (and general marriage counseling as well)
052-6923065. Sunday and Wednesday from 9-10 PM

Look, you can bring a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink. If you don't want to go through the GYE handbook with us, tool by tool, and you don't want to internalize the principles of the Attitude handbook, and you don't want to make the phone call... then what can we do to help you?

Hashem alone will need to help you. But I'm just warning you, it might end up HURTING a lot more than if you do it now with us, step by step, slowly but surely, showing Hashem you are doing your part... See today's Chizuk e-mail (#497) for more on this...

You may want to give up, but Hashem never gives up on His children... And that could be SCARY sometimes.

Momo, did you see the beautiful post that "hoping" just posted?

I realized that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depresssed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasureful opportunities along the way).  In my short time on his program, however, I have come to appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms of Zechuyos and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progresion of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, wheter I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has lead me to be part of this wonderful forum.