Checking in quickly.

Fell hard with porn yesterday. No real justification. Not gonna lie, it felt like I scratched an itch until it bled. You know what I mean? Good at first and then it kinda hurt but I kept going until it really hurt but also still kinda felt good. 

I bsh*ta haven't been logging a porn streak, but I do use the logger to catch falls so I don't fool myself. Turns out I'd done a solid 31 days porn free (and by porn free, I mean no filter poking, no attractive women on social media, no nothin.) Pretty good if I say so myself. 

But at the end of the day if I don't do something real about lust and the things driving me to lust this is gonna keep on happening. Two things I want to work on.

1) Daily chizzuk on shemiras einayim. Gonna do Vayimaen for 30 days (although honestly sometimes those videos piss me off so much I want to watch porn in retaliation.)

2) Anyone want to walk me through a Step 4? I think it would be helpful for me. 

Didn't masturbate, so technically that sobriety is hanging in there. But it's a half a comfort when I was stuck at my desk watching for 2+ solid hours and came home an hour and a half late to my wife freaking out.

Wow. I really wish I had ideas but I don't however I'm a firm believer in teshuas Hashem k'heref ayin. Keep trucking love your attitude brother

chosemyshem wrote on 14 Aug 2025 13:26:

I know and feel this cycle, it sucks, and I feel it in my bones. This question must have been asked at nauseum, but needs to be asked - again,  what is your real motivation to stop the cycle? Or do you really want? (Sorry).

mggsbms wrote on 14 Aug 2025 19:23:

No need to apologize! A very valid question. 

I do have tons of motivation. Mostly to avoid pain, but also to taste life (I told myself I'd write a follow up to the Taste of Death post called a Taste of Life. But that one comes less naturally.)

The issue is keeping the motivation strong when the sweet drug is so close. . . 

chosemyshem wrote on 14 Aug 2025 13:26:

Help you walk four steps or somehow start the walk on step four?
Or have you already taken three steps yourself?

Where can I find this netziv?

iwillmanage wrote on 17 Aug 2025 22:19:


I can't say I've taken the first three steps, though I've definitely thought about them alot. I don't expect to take them outside of joining the program (which I'm not ready to do at this point). But I love the idea of a full moral inventory with a specific eye towards identifying and surrendering the actions I take that push me away from Hashem and towards lust. I could try to do it with a mesillas yesharim instead, but if there's a program around that's so precisely targeted it's almost a shame to not try it. 

I respect your opinion. Do you think it's a waste of time without doing the whole program? You don't think there's any independent value to a searching and fearless moral inventory? 

novardoker wrote on 18 Aug 2025 04:04:

Hamek Davar on  במדבר י"ד:כ"א

Quick check in.

B"h shabbos was a beautiful reset. Helped that Hashem did a very significant chesed for me Friday afternoon. Today I rearranged my desk to make it harder for me to hide my screen. A small step, but it'll help. 

Sunday I took the kids on a trip (something I hate doing). On the positive side, my wife suggested a destination that I knew would likely have more immodest people around and I made an excuse why it wasn't a good spot (I think I would've said shemiras einayim, but my ultra-frum brother in law was going.) On the negative side, at the place we ended up going to there was a woman hanging around literally wearing underwear. Not stam jogging clothes which are like underwear. Actually underwear. While blaming my lack of shemiras einayim on other people's clothing choices is a losing game, the point is that there was a lack of shemiras einayim.

Spent some time on shabbos thinking that I feel like I'm almost getting the hang of this, but missing some crucial bits. Not sure which crucial bits though. 

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Aug 2025 17:45:

I had a similar experience recently, we went to sit by a water and in my direct purview there was a immodest sight - to put it mildly, my wife insisted we stay, I insisted we move, and I moved away from the direct sighting, it bothered me for a bit, but the trigger passed, it felt good to be able to control my eyes not to get a second look, and too impress on my wife that I'm being careful about shemiras einiem.