Checking in quickly.

Fell hard with porn yesterday. No real justification. Not gonna lie, it felt like I scratched an itch until it bled. You know what I mean? Good at first and then it kinda hurt but I kept going until it really hurt but also still kinda felt good. 

I bsh*ta haven't been logging a porn streak, but I do use the logger to catch falls so I don't fool myself. Turns out I'd done a solid 31 days porn free (and by porn free, I mean no filter poking, no attractive women on social media, no nothin.) Pretty good if I say so myself. 

But at the end of the day if I don't do something real about lust and the things driving me to lust this is gonna keep on happening. Two things I want to work on.

1) Daily chizzuk on shemiras einayim. Gonna do Vayimaen for 30 days (although honestly sometimes those videos piss me off so much I want to watch porn in retaliation.)

2) Anyone want to walk me through a Step 4? I think it would be helpful for me. 

Didn't masturbate, so technically that sobriety is hanging in there. But it's a half a comfort when I was stuck at my desk watching for 2+ solid hours and came home an hour and a half late to my wife freaking out.

Wow. I really wish I had ideas but I don't however I'm a firm believer in teshuas Hashem k'heref ayin. Keep trucking love your attitude brother

chosemyshem wrote on 14 Aug 2025 13:26:

I know and feel this cycle, it sucks, and I feel it in my bones. This question must have been asked at nauseum, but needs to be asked - again,  what is your real motivation to stop the cycle? Or do you really want? (Sorry).

mggsbms wrote on 14 Aug 2025 19:23:

No need to apologize! A very valid question. 

I do have tons of motivation. Mostly to avoid pain, but also to taste life (I told myself I'd write a follow up to the Taste of Death post called a Taste of Life. But that one comes less naturally.)

The issue is keeping the motivation strong when the sweet drug is so close. . .