I feel like a baby, just in an adult version.

A baby cries. It can't express what it wants so we stuff it's mouth with a pacifier.

Life throws it's hardships I can't express the feelings, so I feed myself the pacifier.

Thank God it's not porn but it's a hell a lot of searching for something to feed my lust and ending with ejaculation.

Welcome back my friend! We've missed you here...
I'm so sorry to hear that the journey is still bumpy.
It's tough. You're feeling מיואש. I feel your pain.
Remember though how much Hashem loves you and ישועת ה' כהרף עין..
Hopefully sometime soon you'll suddenly find the power to get this beast under control.

Keep us posted with the ups and the downs!

Wishing you a gut Shabbos,
UpAndDown

I can really relate to that feeling, I get it too many times. The negative emotion that drives us to lust can seem so foreign to us, so hard to understand, let alone express in any cohesive or productive way. I've been working for years to be able to articulate and still have a hard time very often.
But this understanding you have, that there is a lacking inside that is woken up when life gets stressful, and that drives you to lust, is so powerful even before you have any knowledge of the specific mechanism. With this knowledge you have the power to choose a response to the lacking, rather than just letting your body's default reaction occur.

The road to freedom doesn't have signs telling you how long until your there.

It sounds like your closer than you think.