I would like to try a new tactic, I am not sure it's the right way to go but for me it may be:

I would like to split my Ruchniyus into two different entities. SSSL1 and SSSL2. Part 1 of me is anything related to Kedusha. Part 2 is all other things such as how much I learn a day, if I daven with a minyan, if I had a productive day etc.

The point of this is that right now part 2 of my Ruchniyus freaken sucks. I really am not doing good and I don't know what the long term plan is. Part 1 of me -in the moment- isn't either doing good, from porn to masturbation and staring on the streets (in a way I tell myself that it isn't visible to others that I am staring ). In the past I had good times in the battle of kedushah. But lately I practically gave up. I think a big reason for this was because my part 2 was horrible. This gave me a bad feeling about myslef and I therefore was ready to throw in the towel.

Moving forward I hope this tactic works. This way at the end of a Clean day I can look at the part 1 of me and say WOW! you did it! Without the negative self talk telling me "your proud of yourself? you haven't learned a word today".

As an end note, I don't know if this makes sense and if it will help me in the kedusha battle, but I am trying my luck. I am trying to psychologically trick myself and am hoping for the best.

Replies are welcome.

Okay my Major idea gave me the confidence to delete a Gmail account I would turn to the past few days as a pacifier. I am proud of SSSL1!

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 06 Jan 2025 22:57:

Ok then I’ll reply  if you actually wanna get somewhere, then I would suggest you break it out like this.
Part 1 is anything related to Kedusha, learning, Daven with a minyan…

Part 2 will be if you had a productive day etc.

Focus on Part 2

Don't know if it has to do with my new tactic or not but: Today and yesterday SSSL1 Clean!

PS I still use every urge on the street as an opportunity to look (instead of an opportunity to not look). Not really fantasizing to do anything with them but just enjoy seeing it, does that make sense?

Today and Yesterday Clean!

PS I've been to holy places recently and had the family in mind.

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 10 Jan 2025 13:22:

Thank you!

Have a beautiful and Holy Shabbos in Jerusalem!

Shabbos Clean!

Though I am doin pretty good the last few days on P and M I still dread a whole week in front of me. Help!

Just keep being in touch with the chevra, your gonna do great!

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 12 Jan 2025 00:29:

My dear friend, you don't have to do the whole week. Just today. Just today. Just today. Just today.
One more thing: you just have to do today

I agree with everything in eerie's post I just want to add one thing - you just have to do today (not sure why he didnt mention that, אבל הניח מקום להתגדר בו)

Sunday and Monday Clean! Marking one week!

Feeling super vulnerable.

Care to elaborate? What’s going on? 
hope you are ok

Life by SSSL2 is doing really bad. Not much learning going down.

By SSSL1, today was super hard. I tried poking a bit but with all my loopholes closed (I hope) I didn't get anywhere. Going into the shower I had a big taava to masturbate but I was able to fight it, baruch hashem.

I should be in better spirits now that I am doin pretty good lately but life really sucks so I am pretty down.

Signing off,
From a Dark Soul in a Dark Room Waiting for Some Light.

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 16 Jan 2025 01:35:

Sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. Life is tough. I'm also going through extremely difficult tekufah atm with my own physical health and my wife's mental health (she even smashed my car into a wall a couple of days ago!).
I tell myself, whatever the issue is, whatever struggles I'm going through, whatever void I'm trying to fill - one thing is clear: P & M is not the answer. What yes? I don't know. What not? I do know.
Stay strong my brother! Keep up your great work and keep fighting!!
I have no doubt that sooner or later you will see some light iyH.
החושך היא סיבת האור

With love and care,
UpAndDown