For me it really did relieve tension but it added depression instead. In addition, because it only released tension but didn't resolve it the tension only got worse over time. Through GYE I learned alternative healthy approaches to resolve anxiety and stress that healed me and today I have very little anxiety and stress. You need to find new healthy ways of dealing with anxiety and stress instead of acting out.

I had a fall today after 16 days clean. I feel disgusted why did I have to do it. It started in the middle of the night when I couldnt sleep and the escalated in the morning. I dont know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this no matter how many times I promise myself I wont do it again I end up doing it again. My self esteem is so low now. Wish this has been my last time.

don't allow that feeling of disgust to linger. you can choose to be proud of the decision you are making to try again.

Dear Animaamin,

My holy brother 16 days is amazing!! That type of streak is real, in fact 16 days gives you the ability to have already really begun to change. Your dependency and mind patterns have already been affected. So don't fret, a fall now is really an enormous opportunity because now comes the real work. You could define your fall as nothing more than a mere slip, or you could let if define you. 16 days with a mere slip is more affective sometimes than a much longer slip in regard to letting yourself achieve real freedom because it defines you as someone doesn't identify at all with the "fall" but rather with the great 16 days, as opposed to someone who happens to have a great streak going but pins his success on nothing more than a streak. 
If I could kindly point out one tip: You say "how many times I promise myself I wont do it again I end up doing it"-- change and freedom has nothing to do with never doing it again, and promises do not mean freedom. Working day in and day out, prevailing even when when slips means freedom! Stop with the promises, you are well on your way to the only promise that matters- which is promising to yourself that you are going to keep trucking and this itself will bring you ultimate freedom!!

Best of luck my dear friend I and all of klal Yisrael are rooting for you!!  

oy i'm so sorry buddy... that's tough...
i wish i could give you a hug
hope you recover stronger from this

animaamin wrote on 07 May 2024 16:39:

If you meant to write that you struggled for hours until you gave in, then it is something to celebrate, notwithstanding the fall. If you can point out which negative moods you were struggling with before the fall we can post solutions. I already posted about this in the past, but did you start the Flight to Freedom program and are you regularly reading The Battle of the Generation? The following might not have been possible this time because of the hour, but reaching out to someone when you are struggling should help.

Don't beat yourself up as that can lead to more falls. Brush off the dust, view your fall as a simple mistake, learn from your mistake what you can do better next time and pick yourself up. Maybe try learning torah, davening well, helping someone or doing something else that is meaningful, even temporarily, just so that you feel slightly better and you are in a different mindset. After falling, the Yetzer Horah makes us hyper-focus on the fall and makes us forget all the positive things we did, and all of the good qualities we have. You can be fair to yourself and make a list of at least twenty things you did right or good qualities that you have. It is good to think of the whole picture and not let the Yetzer Horah deceit us. Keep on monster trucking. You can do it.

Animaamin, I think that if you feel this big urge, or stress, come on to GYE and write how you feel, what you are thinking about etc... Even in the middle of the night...