Wonderful progress, my friend. And daven that החיצוניות תעורר את הפנימיות, that the external look truly affect you in the way that you seek, and that you keep doing like Target..Up and up!

Baruch Hashem, one month down!

I have been checking in daily to update my status and that is helping a lot.  My daily morning alarm to come here reminds me that this battle is being waged day by day, and I can fall at any time.  I've gotten this far before and I'm by no means coasting.

A major piece of the puzzle has been realizing that I have an internet "addiction" as well. I'm not prepared to say it's truly an addiction like P & M but it's a serious problem.  I would stay up till 2am on the computer and of course it's inevitable what kind of content I would encounter.  So I've been taking nedarim for that problem and limit myself to 45 minutes per day with a countdown timer.  It's a balance.  Really, I should learn to live without instant news updates and mindless videos entirely but I'm not there yet.  A tight time window keeps me browsing very fast and hopefully looking away very fast from what I'm not supposed to see.

Had a mishap last night.  Didn't fully fall but I viewed some material I shouldn't have so I'm counting it according to the rules.

As I mentioned in my last post, having a self-imposed internet use limit has been a big help in this journey.  I only make an exception for unbounded Torah learning online and I took that way too far as one click led to another.  Once one is on wikipedia it's over.  An internet outage probably saved me in the end.


So I'm going to be more careful about that.  Only known learning sites with text like Sefaria.  And a limit to how late at night.

On the bright side, two months is an accomplishment for me that I haven't seen in a couple years.  And actually, I wouldn't have considered this strictly a fall anyway since it didn't go all the way.  I am confident I can beat it this time!

Why don't u just get the safari app so you can block the internet altogether for now

Thanks for your advice.  I don't think that's practical for me, as much as I'd like to be free of the internet sometimes!

I'm a software developer for one, so need it on for work.

Given that background, I have found that blockers can be bypassed, and devices without protection are everywhere (including the blasted tv), the library, an old phone, etc.  And who can block a magazine or a catalog?  Who can block my eyes on the street?  Who can block my imagination?  Personally, blockers don't put me in the right mindset.  I need a self-guarding mindset in all things.  That and self-limited web usage.

Who knows what will be.  I'm keeping a log here of what I try.

anu_rayasecha wrote on 16 May 2024 00:43:

I think there's a Dov line, "The best filter is the one you don't test." The mindset is the ikkar. And of course access is so easy, like you wrote so eloquently.
That being said, why would you test yourself in ways you don't have to?? It's like the guy practicing tightrope walking without a safety net and saying it's because a safety net would make him overconfident. Okay, true. But you're still more likely to fall and die without the net. 

Which is a long way of saying minimizing exposure to the greatest extent possible is so helpful to getting clean. While you may not feel that now at a time of inspiration and success, during the low moments that come like the tide you will be grateful you made it harder to access.
(This is besides the call of gedolim that unfiltered internet is assur to have around and the unfortunate-yet-nearly-inevitable possibility that your kids will use your unfiltered internet to fall down the same hole you did.) 

Caveat. There's definitely a certain type of person who is worse off with a filter because they are obsessively driven to try to find a loophole. I think this type of person is pretty rare. Even for that type of person, minimizing to the greatest extent possible will probably mean installing an image blocker such as Wizimage.

Your progress is amazing. Keep on trucking!

Had a full-blown fall...I feel awful.  Got though over 5 months though with only soft falls until this point but we know that doesn't count.  I will try to post here more often as I think it helps me keep on track.  This is a life-long struggle and I need to keep getting back up.

What's great about the GYE progress tracker is that even "minor" infractions are considered a fall.  That's right on. There were times that I didn't want to report a fall and end my streak over a brief, but intentional, peek.  The truth is that we must keep up our guard because those small infractions are building up into something bigger.  I know myself.  My yetzer hara is working on it, and has the long game in mind.  We must also have the long game in mind and never let our guard down at all.

Hi, I'm (relatively) new here and just read your thread. I'm super inspired from you! Though I feel terrible for you that you fell, and know full full well what it feels like, I'm also nispael from how you've committed to getting right back up! 

Keep your chin up, keep us posted, and take us along on your ride to purity to allow us to climb together with you!

With brotherly love,
Muttel

Thanks for your encouragement, Muttel!  It's a lifetime struggle and I hope to get much further this time around.  Summer will be hard though!