I'm noticing, that being tired is not a good thing for me in this struggle and that being upset is no good either. But I'm upset that I'm tired and so  tired of being upset.

I know that I can't have Whatsapp, LinkedIn, news & podcasts,

Though I want them, especially Whatsapp, I know that I cannot have it.

My question is, what about the future? Will I be able to have these things once I've been sober for a while or is this just my reality?

The future? Why I am I worrying about that? I've got today to worry about. 

But I'm not going to worry bout today, I've got to keep living

L'chaim 

***Someone sent me a PM asking what is wrong with Whatsapp, so I am editing for clarity.
I'm not saying that in general there is something wrong with Whatsapp. only, that for me it has been problematic. I've fallen with Profile photos, statuses and pictures/videos shared on groups and I've got to stay away. It's the only way I can be sober, i don't know if it will be like this forever, but forever is over.

Whatsapp is definitely bad. There have been many people who have fallen in the same way.

I think it should be mandatory for every Kiddush on Shabbos to have  a bottle of Woodford on the table.

I was at Kiddush on Shabbos and saw the Woodford and all I could think about after that was GYE.
I turned to the guy next to me and told him " a gleizele of Woodford could keep you from doing Aveiros". He looked at me like I was nuts... That's probably how it's supposed to be when I see my tzitzis.

Yesterday was rough...

I kept on realizing that my glances were turning into looks, my looks into second looks and at night when I went to sleep, I had a harder time focusing my thoughts elsewhere.

Maybe it's because it was a fast day and I was weaker in general but I'm not going to spend to much time trying to figure out why.

BH I didn't fall, I do feel bad for the way yesterday went and I am using those feeling of regret to renew myself in this struggle.

Onwards...to 90 and beyond...

That's a struggle for me too. At some point I cut out Whatsapp but got so much negative feedback from my wife and family (I have family in Israel so Whatsapp is a primary mode of communication). As a result I have it and just try to "keep it on a leash" as much as I can.

Kavey wrote on 18 Jul 2022 17:42:

You gotta do what works for you...
Were never going to be able to cut ourselves off from everything, nor do I even know if that's healthy...

Yesterday there were no highlights or lowlights. I guess no news is good news.

I did see a great quote though that I think perfectly describes this journey I am going through.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes."

Today is going to be my 40th day and this is my hundredth post. I can't remember the last time I made this far but more importantly, I can't remember the last time I made it this far without white knuckling, without being angry/depressed/moody and without feeling like I am going to fall any moment.

I think a big part of this is, after lurking since about 2015, I finally took the plunge and started conversing on the forums. I find it to be therapeutic and also that it keeps me in a very positive mindset. Like I am not doing this alone, so many chevra are doing this together with me.

We're an army unit so secretive that we don't even know who else is in our unit except by our codenames. I hope somehow to be able to meet some of you in real life one day.

Thank you to all of you here on the forums for helping to get me to this point and beyond B'ezras Hashem.

L'chaim Tovim,
Chaim

Today I went to meet my wife at the dr.'s office. The seat she chose left me sitting right next to the table with the magazines and across from a very immodestly dressed? woman. 

I quickly took off my glasses and turned over the top magazines. I knew I had to quickly find something else to focus on so I spent the rest of the time thinking about what Trouble had posted on the "The Summer Months" thread. Little did I know that when I got back to my computer they would be in middle of World War III 

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 21 Jul 2022 19:19:

thinking about trouble or his posts is not healthy - even with glasses off, actually especially with glasses off.

wwlll is in donechchyna, not here.

Trouble wrote on 21 Jul 2022 19:35:

We'll have to agree to disagree

Today I peeked over the wall (No, not what you think)...

I peeked over the wall of honor, I'm halfway there...I was curious, what awaits on the other side?

What I saw was very sobering, 'twas very sobering indeed.

The majority of those who posted (whose streaks are displayed) had a fall after they hit 90 days. 

This is for life...This is for life

Am I really prepared for this? I don't know but I know I can't think about this...somehow...

-Chaim

Rising up, back on the street

Did my time, took my chances

Went the distance (173 days), now I'm back on my feet (right where I started from)

Just a man and his will to survive

So many times it happens too fast (in the heat of the moment)

You trade your passion for glory (giving up the glory you could've attained)

Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past (when you tried the first time to stop, so idealistic)

You must fight just to keep them alive (no matter what happens, keep the hope alive)



I can't wait to sing...



Rising up, straight to the top

Had the guts, got the glory

Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop

Just a man and his will to survive

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 26 Jul 2022 17:22:

i now have a desire to stalk my prey at night