This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for years. Years which I’ve shed many tears…tears of sadness…tears of shame…tears of fear…tears of anger. Anger at myself, my rabeim, women in the street and Hashem.

There were times that I felt hopeful and times that I felt hopeless. Surrounded by people yet so alone. Trapped in a prison that I had created with my biggest enemy my mind, as a cell mate.

I didn’t understand why I was wired this way. Why I was the only one that a simple chol hamoed trip could be so disastrous. What was the use of everything I’m doing, of my trying to be a good Jew when I am such a bad person. If I’m chayiv misah bidei shomayim and can’t do teshuvah, what is the purpose of my life.

I know, when I’m married and have “pas b’saloi” it will finally be easier. But it wasn’t  and what now. Not only is what I am doing affecting myself, but I have a wife and a couple of kids now as well.

Then I saw the ad “now when I shake the rabbi’s hand, I no longer feel ashamed“ (or something like that. Could it be? Are there other people out there that are like me??

I joined GYE and saw that not only was I not alone, but that some people had fallen lower than I had and had picked themselves up. All my life it had been drilled into me that the highest aspiration was to be a Talmud Chochom but now I saw tzadikim…real tzadikim, lamed vuvniks even. I learnt so much from so many people on the forums, that I decided to pick myself up and that I too could become a tzadik.

I was going through a terrible time financially and told Hashem, I can’t make more of a hishtadlus for parnassah than I already am doing, please let this nisayon be the zechus I need. I was clean for 173 days, when previously, I had never made it past 3 days. I was convinced my life would change, I was starting over, becoming a new person, surely I was going to have Siyata Dishmaya. I started writing a book on shemiras einayim and the struggle but…

Not only did my financial situation not improve it got worse. I was so depressed in a place of complete Yiush that I fell after 173 days.

I was so angry at Hashem, Hashem I attempted the impossible, you know what a broken person I am inside. Why? Why? Why?

After that over the next few years there were more downs than ups. I felt that I had completely reverted back to my old self. Interestingly enough, my financial situation stated getting better. But I always had this tickling feeling in the back of my mind. What if I hadn’t fallen after day 173, was that my Yosef Hatzadik moment and I failed???

I decided to try again, it’s been about a year now of trying again, never making it past 2-3 days but now I’m at day 12.

Sorry for the long post but I will continue b'ezras Hashem with why I feel like it will be better this time around and why I decided to post.

Thank you so much for opening up and posting your story. Connecting here will definitely help you. Looking forward to being further inspired by you.

Thank you for sharing this with everyone. Im looking forward to seeing more posts from you and getting much needed chizuk!

Thank you Vehkam and FTC for the kind words. 

My job consists of me being on the road most of the day so I don’t usually have access to a computer except at night when I’m home. For the next little bit I will Be spending some time in the office so I will have more access to GYE.

I don’t have a browser on my phone anymore for obvious reasons but I wish there was some kind of app so that I would be able to access this throughout the day.

I’ve always been hesitant to go onto GYE at night when I am home, as I am scared of my wife knowing that I am on this website. Although she knows that I am working on shemiras Einayim and is appreciative of that, I am worried that out of curiosity she will start perusing the forums and questioning, what is it that I  have done, how far have I fallen  or trying to figure out which user I am  and that it will open a Pandora's box that will come back to bite me.

What do you guys feel, are my concerns legitimate?

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 23 Jun 2022 01:44:

There is a GYE app.

Wow! What an incredible journey of work, toil, triumph, pain, frustration and loneliness. A tremendous Yasher Koach in particular for posting - sometimes that's the hardest battle of all. 
Your persistence is inspiring. The fact that you went so many days clean consecutively in the past should help you realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel - you CAN do it. Don't be discouraged by the falls since - and certainly not by the single fall after day 173. Thankfully, Hashem will continue to send us challenges until our final day on Earth - and we will not pass them all, the goal is to try each day to win the battle of the day. 173 days is a tremendous accomplishment and no fall erases that. 
Keep on posting - we'd love to cheer you on and watch your progress! Hatzlocha in the daily battle - may you win many more! 

Welcome aboard. Stay connected and iyh you will "graduate", and from the way you express yourself it appears you will be very helpful to others as well b'ezras Hashem.

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 22 Jun 2022 20:57:

Wow! Thanks for being so brave and inspiring the chevrah here. If you’d like you can Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Shmuel wrote on 23 Jun 2022 02:34:

It's called GYE or Guard Your Eyes? I tried searching for it but couldn't find it so I assumed that there wasn't one. I will try to find it.

It is called the 'GYE APP'.

The logo is an eye with one hand and underneath.

This is the link for Play store:
play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.gye.guardyoureyes&hl=en&gl=US

I have had trouble finding the 'GYE APP' on iOS.
I think it is not there anymore.

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 22 Jun 2022 20:57:

welcome!!

I went through the same thing. I have some very big difficulties in life and I always saw it as a punishment from Hashem because of my struggle

I always felt guilty towards my wife and children, Because I knew that I'm the source of all the Tzaros.

When I started my journey and was clean for a long time, things got much much worse, and it still is, I got no hint from Hashem that he is happy with me.

So I decided I'm not focusing on it, Hashem never wanted to punish me for that, there are different חשבונות.

I'm doing for myself what does it have to do with anything.

Of course I wish I could get a sign from Hashem that he is happy with what I'm doing. But I can't focus on that.

Wishing you all the best

Thanks for the chizuk brother! True words!

Welcome and thanks for sharing. Your openness about your struggles is a chizuk for everyone else as it should be helpful for you. It seems like you are very thoughtful and went deeper than your struggle to try to understand it.
I think it would probably be more effective if you did not think so much. I do not know if that was your "Yosef Hatzadik moment" or not. And even if it was, it is now irrelevant. The nisayon you have right now is the same. It does not make it worse for you if you failed that time.
I have also been told by my rebbeim not to think so much about these things. The past is the past. My job today is to fight the nisayon today. Act as if today is your "Yosef Hatzadik moment". I do not know any source that you cannot have more than one. Forget about the past, plan for the future, and worry only about today.
Hatzlacha and keep us posted.

Thank you Yissie, your right on target. I do tend to be a deep thinker, not only about this but in general as well. I guess I have to strike the right balance of learning from my mistakes, what I did wrong and How can I prevent this from happening again, and over analyzing to much.
I'm realizing that this struggle and emunah in general are very related and to a certain degree I have to surrender to  let go and let G-d.

Today is going to be day 20 b'ezras Hashem. I can't remember the last time I was clean for 3 weeks. I will be celebrating with a schwarma for lunch and a swig of Woodford after shkia tonight.



When I first started this journey shortly after I got married several years ago, I deleted my browser and got a filter on my computer and phone (difficult, stopped watching non-animated movies (more difficult), cut out secular music (even more difficult) and gave up what's app (most difficult). This helped me tremendously and I made it to 173 days before I fell and have been falling ever since even with the measures still in place.



When I decided that I want need to try again, I took a good hard and honest look at myself and realized that I haven't been doing enough and had to make some changes.