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My Journey L'chaim Tovim
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TOPIC: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 8535 Views

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 15:13 #385567

  • cordnoy
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Lchaim Tovim wrote on 08 Sep 2022 15:10:
Came across this today from unanumun

You seem to once again be getting very frustrated with the responses people are giving you. There seems to once again be a disconnect and misunderstanding going on.

I have been watching and following your thread, becoming excited with your progress and sharing in your frustration over your pitfalls.
You seem to feel that you are doing plenty of work and putting actions into place to be able to stop falling and when people seem to be saying that you are not doing anything or the right things for recovery, it confuses, frustrates, and even angers you.

Therefore I would to point out some things.
There are many things that we try in order to get us to finally stop falling. Many of them are focused on the actual falling, the actual watching porn and masturbation. For example, tafsicks (or however the heck you spell it), filters, time restrictions, closing our eyes in the street as we bump into poles and buildings (and hopefully not women), pinching ourselves when we do something wrong and the list goes on and on. (There is probably at least one idea per poster on the forums)
The problem with all these things is that although they may be able to prevent us from acting out, as time goes on their influence and inspiration wane and eventually either they no longer work, stop being done, or our desires (or lust levels) raise up and overcome them.
And we fall again, and again. some work for hours, some for days, some for weeks and some longer. but they are all bound to fail at one point or another.

So you may ask, how is it that there are people that have long streaks of sobriety? How is it that there are people that come to GYE (or SA) and become sober forever one day at a time?

The way I see it, the answer is that the actions that these people take and the sacrifices that they go through, are on a different plane all together. These are the people that are not putting their time and efforts into stopping themselves from falling. They are not focusing on preventing themselves from getting into situations that are triggering and will ultimately lead them down the rabbit hole (I don't really know what that is or if it is just a GYE terminology. And since Cordnoy used the term once I can't google it as I have a kabala not to google anything i hear from Cords ) Yes they may be doing these things as well but it is not their focus. 

Their focus is on positive things. Learning how to live life properly. Learning how to live life in a way that doesn't lead us to porn, masturbation, or any other non healthy activities. 
They focus on the root of the issue, as we are won't to say "addiction is not the problem, it is the solution" The problem is the things that are causing us to want to escape, or to need to escape. the problem is what is happening inside our minds or our heart when we decide we need to sit down and watch streaming movies, or go on youtube, or watch porn. 
They focus on getting to know themselves better and understanding their emotions. How are they  feeling inside? Really feeling? honestly feeling? and then they try to figure out what is it that is causing those feelings. 
And once they can figure that out, then they are on their way to recovery for they now know where to focus their efforts and actions. By dealing with these main issues. honestly dealing with them because we can't trick ourselves. 
And by dealing with these underlying issues we were able to live life without having to escape from them, without having to ignore them, and that is recovery as i understand it. 
Yes sometimes we relapse and we forget to deal with life, but we have not fallen out of recovery because we are on the way to living life properly and healthily. 

When people tell you are not doing the right things for recovery, i believe this is what they meant. And this is the path that has worked for others and only this path has worked for them. To try to do something else and get sobriety is like driving on the other side of of the road in the wrong direction. You can make lomdus and chakiros fun heint biz morgen but at the end of the day you are going about things in a more difficult way and the chances of crashing before you get to your destination are very very high. 
I hope I have been able to shed some light and help you my dear friend. 
Una



Una is great! He's doin' fairly well - just communicated with him over the past several weeks.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
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Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 15:22 #385570

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cordnoy wrote on 08 Sep 2022 15:13:

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 08 Sep 2022 15:10:
Came across this today from unanumun

Una is great! He's doin' fairly well - just communicated with him over the past several weeks.

He gets bonus points for the tafsicks and rabbit hole shtickel.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 15:35 #385571

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Just for the record, Una texted me this: But the timing of sharing that post was perfect. (Perhaps a few hours late)
It's time to think about learning to live.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 15:52 #385573

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cordnoy wrote on 08 Sep 2022 15:35:
Just for the record, Una texted me this: But the timing of sharing that post was perfect. (Perhaps a few hours late)
It's time to think about learning to live.

And he has no idea how perfect the timing was for me...

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 18:52 #385581

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Good stuff.... (I mean my post...) Thanks for digging it up, for me it's always the right time to hear it again... Una's post is solid gold, and I remember Cord's post, but bh today I can finally relate to the second part as well.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Sep 2022 14:23 #385607

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Lchaim Tovim wrote on 08 Sep 2022 15:10:
Came across this today from unanumun. Could've been written straight to me.

You seem to once again be getting very frustrated with the responses people are giving you. There seems to once again be a disconnect and misunderstanding going on.

I have been watching and following your thread, becoming excited with your progress and sharing in your frustration over your pitfalls.
You seem to feel that you are doing plenty of work and putting actions into place to be able to stop falling and when people seem to be saying that you are not doing anything or the right things for recovery, it confuses, frustrates, and even angers you.

Therefore I would to point out some things.
There are many things that we try in order to get us to finally stop falling. Many of them are focused on the actual falling, the actual watching porn and masturbation. For example, tafsicks (or however the heck you spell it), filters, time restrictions, closing our eyes in the street as we bump into poles and buildings (and hopefully not women), pinching ourselves when we do something wrong and the list goes on and on. (There is probably at least one idea per poster on the forums)
The problem with all these things is that although they may be able to prevent us from acting out, as time goes on their influence and inspiration wane and eventually either they no longer work, stop being done, or our desires (or lust levels) raise up and overcome them.
And we fall again, and again. some work for hours, some for days, some for weeks and some longer. but they are all bound to fail at one point or another.

So you may ask, how is it that there are people that have long streaks of sobriety? How is it that there are people that come to GYE (or SA) and become sober forever one day at a time?

The way I see it, the answer is that the actions that these people take and the sacrifices that they go through, are on a different plane all together. These are the people that are not putting their time and efforts into stopping themselves from falling. They are not focusing on preventing themselves from getting into situations that are triggering and will ultimately lead them down the rabbit hole (I don't really know what that is or if it is just a GYE terminology. And since Cordnoy used the term once I can't google it as I have a kabala not to google anything i hear from Cords ) Yes they may be doing these things as well but it is not their focus. 

Their focus is on positive things. Learning how to live life properly. Learning how to live life in a way that doesn't lead us to porn, masturbation, or any other non healthy activities. 
They focus on the root of the issue, as we are won't to say "addiction is not the problem, it is the solution" The problem is the things that are causing us to want to escape, or to need to escape. the problem is what is happening inside our minds or our heart when we decide we need to sit down and watch streaming movies, or go on youtube, or watch porn. 
They focus on getting to know themselves better and understanding their emotions. How are they  feeling inside? Really feeling? honestly feeling? and then they try to figure out what is it that is causing those feelings. 
And once they can figure that out, then they are on their way to recovery for they now know where to focus their efforts and actions. By dealing with these main issues. honestly dealing with them because we can't trick ourselves. 
And by dealing with these underlying issues we were able to live life without having to escape from them, without having to ignore them, and that is recovery as i understand it. 
Yes sometimes we relapse and we forget to deal with life, but we have not fallen out of recovery because we are on the way to living life properly and healthily. 

When people tell you are not doing the right things for recovery, i believe this is what they meant. And this is the path that has worked for others and only this path has worked for them. To try to do something else and get sobriety is like driving on the other side of of the road in the wrong direction. You can make lomdus and chakiros fun heint biz morgen but at the end of the day you are going about things in a more difficult way and the chances of crashing before you get to your destination are very very high. 
I hope I have been able to shed some light and help you my dear friend. 
Una



Thanks for re-posting.  my eyes teared up reading this.  Nothing like cold honesty 

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Sep 2022 15:52 #385609

  • lchaim tovim
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I've been putting together my personal GYE Handbook consisting of gems I've mined from these forums. This really resonated with me.

From Markz

By MashaFaygel Tokayer -  June 23, 2016

People can drown in a rip current for the simple reason that they naturally struggle to get back to shore when they realize they’re being drawn forcefully to the ‘deep’.  This is a big mistake because the current is so strong that even an Olympic swimmer might have trouble getting back to shore that way.  Too much energy is expended in the effort, people tire easily and that’s how they drown God forbid.

So what to do?



  1. If caught in a rip current DO NOT FIGHT THE CURRENT.
  2. If you are a good swimmer, find the white foam of the waves and swim parallel to the shore toward the waves.  Once you reach the wave area, either ride a wave or swim to shore.
  3. Another option is to allow the current to take you out to sea.  There is no reason to panic.  The currents only go out about 70 yards.  Once you get pulled beyond the forceful current you can safely and easily swim to the right or left in order to reach an area which brings waves back to shore.
  4. If you don’t feel able to do either of the above, face the shore and raise one arm to call for help.


While I was lounging in my bed yesterday, getting down on myself for doing ‘nothing’ with my life, it occurred to me that I could just accept this as a temporary stage and wait it out.  I realized that there are rip currents in life as well as in the ocean.  We often used the allegory of the waves approaching the shore and returning to sea to represent life’s ups and downs.  So then what is a rip current?  Well, I figure a rip current comes unexpectedly.  It is more forceful than a wave; it doesn’t knock us down, it actually pulls us out to the deep water.

I decided that yesterday I was in a rip current of life.  And the more I struggled with my reality, the more tired and fatigued I became.  Remember rule no. 3 – Do not fight the current. 

I could choose to swim parallel to the shore toward the foam (more familiar ground), I could just let it pull me out until I’m past the danger zone and make my way back to shore, or I can ask for help.

I decided to swim parallel to the shore, ie. I began doing little, yet important things from my bed – like phone my aunt in Florida.  At the end of the day I would have a short yet meaningful list of things accomplished even in my lethargic state.  That in itself brings me to stand on solid ground.  I wasn’t so useless after all.

The thought of letting myself go and get pulled deeper was compelling yet it takes a lot of faith.  We have to know where we’re holding.  And I didn’t feel so bad off that I needed to call someone for help.  Yet, sometimes that’s exactly what we need – a friend who cares. 

Last Edit: 09 Sep 2022 15:52 by lchaim tovim.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Sep 2022 20:54 #385615

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Thanks! I hope when you're done you will put it into an ebook (pdf) and share with us!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 04 Jul 2023 18:06 #398373

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It's been a while, I figured I would check in. Why? not really sure...maybe I hope I'll be hit with a lightning bolt of inspiration or something...maybe I'm just upset

So after a 190 day streak I'm at day one with many falls in between. Do I care? I'm not sure. I guess I do but maybe only on an intellectual level.

Why did I fall? I stopped being interested. Not sure why or how to change that

​Escaping life? definitely...but life needed escaping.

Now what? Truck went on without me and I got my thumb out tryna catch a ride?

Do I care? Not enough to care...Or maybe if I'm here I do?

On my way back to the bottom...maybe that's a good thing or maybe I don't need to hit bottom or maybe I'm there...who knows

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 04 Jul 2023 18:41 #398376

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My friend I'm sorry for your pain and falls. I can really relate to that vide your post gives off.

No advice other then maybe checking in here on a more steady basis. Your last post was in Sep of last year, Maybe chekcing more often will keep you back from the pit
You can win the fight, but I'll have to live with the loser.

Any excuse you use for yourself, you must be willing to use for your wife.

Not Always can I understand others, but I can always respect their wishes.

You're human, it's okay.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 04 Jul 2023 18:59 #398379

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 04 Jul 2023 18:06:
It's been a while, I figured I would check in. Why? not really sure...maybe I hope I'll be hit with a lightning bolt of inspiration or something...maybe I'm just upset

So after a 190 day streak I'm at day one with many falls in between. Do I care? I'm not sure. I guess I do but maybe only on an intellectual level.

Why did I fall? I stopped being interested. Not sure why or how to change that

​Escaping life? definitely...but life needed escaping.

Now what? Truck went on without me and I got my thumb out tryna catch a ride?

Do I care? Not enough to care...Or maybe if I'm here I do?

On my way back to the bottom...maybe that's a good thing or maybe I don't need to hit bottom or maybe I'm there...who knows

Heeey, if it isn't our ol' buddy, LCT!

Say, on your way to the bottomless bottom, when you pass me, gimme a wave, wouldya?
It'd be nice to see some of my last year's cronies.
We get only one chance at life.
This is not a rehearsal; it's the real thing.

Father, help me live sober Today.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 06 Jul 2023 15:32 #398450

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It's time...

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 06 Jul 2023 16:31 #398452

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Reading some stuff here from the past, and feeling you.... 

Ugh. That empty, hateful numbing feeling, know it too well.....
hang on
Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com
Last Edit: 06 Jul 2023 16:33 by chaimoigen.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Jul 2023 03:46 #398486

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Feeling more optimistic than I have been for a long time.

Been re-reading what I've written and what others have written. Notes that I took on calls that I wish were still happening. The big book and the white book. 

I stopped working it...i took the first sip...But I can't look back...

That sad and empty feeling is back but I know what you are...
Last Edit: 09 Jul 2023 03:49 by lchaim tovim.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Jul 2023 18:50 #398499

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Lchaim Tovim wrote on 09 Jul 2023 03:46:
Feeling more optimistic than I have been for a long time.

Been re-reading what I've written and what others have written. Notes that I took on calls that I wish were still happening. The big book and the white book. 

I stopped working it...i took the first sip...But I can't look back...

That sad and empty feeling is back but I know what you are...

Inspiring.
Stay here with us, please... 
  
Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com
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