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My Journey L'chaim Tovim
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TOPIC: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 8536 Views

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Aug 2022 17:17 #384464

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No questions asked??? I'm in...

I knew you would say that but this really is about her...I do want to change my relationship with her and the way I view her,  for the better. Yes, I need to change myself for this to happen but, she is part of the reason I want to change myself.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Aug 2022 15:49 #384518

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I don't know if this is connected to my journey or not but nothing else has really changed in my life. I'm curious if anyone has experienced something similar.



For the first 7 weeks of working this, I was very tense and had this struggle on my mind all day. For the past 10 days or so, I've felt very very calm. However, every couple of nights when I'm in bed and my wife is sleeping I feel extremely sad. Not depressed-just what could only be described as an overwhelming sadness but I don't know why I feel that way. When I wake up in the morning, I no longer feel sad and I'm back to feeling happy and calm.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Aug 2022 16:02 #384520

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Absolutely. For me that sadness is loneliness.
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some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Aug 2022 16:10 #384521

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 09 Aug 2022 15:49:
I don't know if this is connected to my journey or not but nothing else has really changed in my life. I'm curious if anyone has experienced something similar.



For the first 7 weeks of working this, I was very tense and had this struggle on my mind all day. For the past 10 days or so, I've felt very very calm. However, every couple of nights when I'm in bed and my wife is sleeping I feel extremely sad. Not depressed-just what could only be described as an overwhelming sadness but I don't know why I feel that way. When I wake up in the morning, I no longer feel sad and I'm back to feeling happy and calm.

If by "overwhelming sadness" you mean loneliness, I'm with you.

I find that I need to come to terms with the fact that this is ultimately my own journey, and my wife's support and the amazing Chevra on GYE notwithstanding, I'm trekking all alone.

I know that The Almighty is there, but I need to learn how to feel his presence.
We get only one chance at life.
This is not a rehearsal; it's the real thing.

Father, help me live sober Today.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Aug 2022 17:55 #384527

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I also feel very sad sometimes now that I am clean, I always had felt that way I just didn't notice because I was using in order to cover it up.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 09 Aug 2022 22:14 #384543

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That feeling of sadness may be actually emptiness. You used to have a thrill machine available to you, which BH you gave up. Time to look for healthy replacements.... In healthy life, thrill and excitement are not daily sustenance, but from time to time, we all need a lift...
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 10 Aug 2022 04:47 #384564

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I love good awareness, especially emotional ones....

I dont think anyone can tell you what it really is, it might be the underlying reason what your running away all those years with lust, might be something else.

I would just advice you to be curious rather than judgmental toward that feeling, be kind and compassionate towards youself, if you let yourself sit with the feeling with openness and curiosity, in my experience many times you will be able to identify what it is.

And btw sometimes this is actually an opportunity to figure out what you really need in life to make you feel more fulfilled and content. 

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 10 Aug 2022 18:19 #384580

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You know the feeling when you check behind you just to make sure you shouldn't be looking...?
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Last Edit: 10 Aug 2022 19:59 by lchaim tovim.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 11 Aug 2022 13:57 #384610

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So yesterday I slipped.

I looked at some womenfolk on the street a bit more than I should have and didn't move on in my mind afterwards.

When I got home, I realized that I had brought  a friend with me. A friend that I had slowly been drifting away from. Her name is Resentment and she was with me all evening.  I couldn't shake her off.

Went to sleep tense and upset and woke up with a headache but I think I'm in a good place again.
Last Edit: 11 Aug 2022 15:48 by lchaim tovim. Reason: Because I am curious to see if anyone reads the reason it was edited

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 12 Aug 2022 15:00 #384634

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So I thought I was in a good place yesterday but turns out that was only while I was by work. When I got home, Resentment was there waiting for me. Wife got upset and conversation was strained. I tried so hard to let it go, i went into the bathroom, took a few calming breaths, forced a smile...But how do you let go of a feeling?


The only bright side is, that not to long ago this would've been a guarantee of  me acting out which bh did not happen.  i recognize that All it would've been is me trying to escape.


It's amazing though, that I could pinpoint that gazing and thinking about a couple of girls has led to this funk I'm in...
Last Edit: 12 Aug 2022 15:28 by lchaim tovim. Reason: Does anyone read the reason for editing???

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 12 Aug 2022 15:35 #384635

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Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 14 Aug 2022 00:43 #384652

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Lchaim Tovim wrote on 11 Aug 2022 13:57:
So yesterday I slipped.

I looked at some womenfolk on the street a bit more than I should have and didn't move on in my mind afterwards.

When I got home, I realized that I had brought  a friend with me. A friend that I had slowly been drifting away from. Her name is Resentment and she was with me all evening.  I couldn't shake her off.

Went to sleep tense and upset and woke up with a headache but I think I'm in a good place again.

So, you brought her home for the evenin', and YOU woke up with the headache? Hmmm .... Interestin'.

What was the resentment about? Who gave you the giluy nevuah that it came from lookin' at several girls? I'm not questionin', I'm just askin'.

Glad to hear that you have disposed and discarded her; I'm sure you took the necessary steps of ensurin' that she never rears her ugly head again (because I have a suspicion that you will be oglin' some girls soon).

Godspeed!
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Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 15 Aug 2022 15:01 #384702

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cordnoy wrote on 14 Aug 2022 00:43:
So, you brought her home for the evenin', and YOU woke up with the headache? Hmmm .... Interestin'.

What was the resentment about? Who gave you the giluy nevuah that it came from lookin' at several girls? I'm not questionin', I'm just askin'.

Glad to hear that you have disposed and discarded her; I'm sure you took the necessary steps of ensurin' that she never rears her ugly head again (because I have a suspicion that you will be oglin' some girls soon).

Godspeed!

Thanx Cordnoy. The reason I'm attributing the resentment to them is because the resentment was only towards my wife and not my kids. There was also a lot of comparisons happening  in my mind at the same time. She's gonna rear her head again and this is what I gotta learn how to deal with.

I'm sure you took the necessary steps of ensurin' that she never rears her ugly head again (because I have a suspicion that you will be oglin' some girls soon).


Right back at you,  Who gave you the giluy nevuah? I'm not questionin', I'm just askin'. (I have a feeling this line is gonna get me in trouble)
Last Edit: 15 Aug 2022 15:19 by lchaim tovim.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 15 Aug 2022 18:40 #384712

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Thank you Sapy and Cordnoy. for this...

Sapy There will always be someone prettier than your wife. The point is not that your wife is the prettiest, the point is that pretty isnt everything. Women are not an object that you use for your enjoyment. And you always want the prettiest. They are humans which you connect to be giving to them, sharing with them, and having a life together. 
when you are close emotionally, as a result of that you share a physical connection. But you dont use them because you want them etc 
so your friends wife is just not yours. You dont have nothing with her, you never gave anything to her, and you have no connection. You have nothing to do with her. 
Forsure you havto work not to look on them, but most importantly we havto work on our mind to stop thinking of a woman as an object, why the hell should you think of being with a woman that you gave nothing to? She is not here for display... she has a life, and is a human just like you are, she has kids, jobs, worries, and let's not put her into something as small as her appearance.
it takes tie to change our mindset, porn etc thought us to view every woman as a sex toy, which is there for our enjoyment, to view sex as a selfish and physical pleasure act without any connection. We need to rewire our brains to see it all in the right way.

Cordnoy My message: there are prettier women out there, many are sexier and wear nicer clothin', but there is one thin' about your wife that only she has, and no other model, baalabaste, perutzah, shiktzah, knock-out, has, and that is that she is yours and only yours. Every inch of her body, even the fattier portions are yours and nobody else's. Yes, it's important to get clean somewhat and be calm and content, and I can't force you or compel you to love your wife - maybe you do, but ultimately she is yours.

In my younger years, I thought that my wife's body was mine and it belonged to me, and so, I made her uncomfortable, for I was constantly pressurin' her, but now (after years of hard work), when she's in the mood (which is a different topic), she enjoys the fact that I feel that her body is mine; that excites her, and me as well

Last Edit: 15 Aug 2022 18:41 by lchaim tovim.

Re: My Journey L'chaim Tovim 08 Sep 2022 15:10 #385566

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Came across this today from unanumun. Could've been written straight to me.

You seem to once again be getting very frustrated with the responses people are giving you. There seems to once again be a disconnect and misunderstanding going on.

I have been watching and following your thread, becoming excited with your progress and sharing in your frustration over your pitfalls.
You seem to feel that you are doing plenty of work and putting actions into place to be able to stop falling and when people seem to be saying that you are not doing anything or the right things for recovery, it confuses, frustrates, and even angers you.

Therefore I would to point out some things.
There are many things that we try in order to get us to finally stop falling. Many of them are focused on the actual falling, the actual watching porn and masturbation. For example, tafsicks (or however the heck you spell it), filters, time restrictions, closing our eyes in the street as we bump into poles and buildings (and hopefully not women), pinching ourselves when we do something wrong and the list goes on and on. (There is probably at least one idea per poster on the forums)
The problem with all these things is that although they may be able to prevent us from acting out, as time goes on their influence and inspiration wane and eventually either they no longer work, stop being done, or our desires (or lust levels) raise up and overcome them.
And we fall again, and again. some work for hours, some for days, some for weeks and some longer. but they are all bound to fail at one point or another.

So you may ask, how is it that there are people that have long streaks of sobriety? How is it that there are people that come to GYE (or SA) and become sober forever one day at a time?

The way I see it, the answer is that the actions that these people take and the sacrifices that they go through, are on a different plane all together. These are the people that are not putting their time and efforts into stopping themselves from falling. They are not focusing on preventing themselves from getting into situations that are triggering and will ultimately lead them down the rabbit hole (I don't really know what that is or if it is just a GYE terminology. And since Cordnoy used the term once I can't google it as I have a kabala not to google anything i hear from Cords ) Yes they may be doing these things as well but it is not their focus. 

Their focus is on positive things. Learning how to live life properly. Learning how to live life in a way that doesn't lead us to porn, masturbation, or any other non healthy activities. 
They focus on the root of the issue, as we are won't to say "addiction is not the problem, it is the solution" The problem is the things that are causing us to want to escape, or to need to escape. the problem is what is happening inside our minds or our heart when we decide we need to sit down and watch streaming movies, or go on youtube, or watch porn. 
They focus on getting to know themselves better and understanding their emotions. How are they  feeling inside? Really feeling? honestly feeling? and then they try to figure out what is it that is causing those feelings. 
And once they can figure that out, then they are on their way to recovery for they now know where to focus their efforts and actions. By dealing with these main issues. honestly dealing with them because we can't trick ourselves. 
And by dealing with these underlying issues we were able to live life without having to escape from them, without having to ignore them, and that is recovery as i understand it. 
Yes sometimes we relapse and we forget to deal with life, but we have not fallen out of recovery because we are on the way to living life properly and healthily. 

When people tell you are not doing the right things for recovery, i believe this is what they meant. And this is the path that has worked for others and only this path has worked for them. To try to do something else and get sobriety is like driving on the other side of of the road in the wrong direction. You can make lomdus and chakiros fun heint biz morgen but at the end of the day you are going about things in a more difficult way and the chances of crashing before you get to your destination are very very high. 
I hope I have been able to shed some light and help you my dear friend. 
Una

Last Edit: 08 Sep 2022 15:19 by lchaim tovim.
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