Day 23

Came back from my trip tired and then had to deal with kids after work since my wife works late. I'm sorry to say it was not parenting at its best at all. My upset feelings at myself compounded with stress at work did not make for a good night's sleep and I had a little trouble getting out of bed but did in the end (Vehkam's Modeh Ani advice helps as well). 

I was trying to gather my thoughts a bit in my Cheshbon Hanefesh "diary" but was feeling a bit depressed and was thinking of skipping shul and davening at home. At this point I tried to ask myself what Hashem would want me to do, but I felt like I couldn't answer. I know for myself that this is usually a bit of a warning sign that I may be falling into a rut so I decided to exercise. There wasn't time to go for a run so I did about 100 jumping jacks, got the blood flowing and felt a lot better. 

Was then able to "access" what Hashem would want me to do...and I felt he wanted me to go to shul so I did

As far as work, what I find works for me is that even if I feel stressed, just thinking that Hashem wouldn't want me to feel stressed (I guess because of Bitachon) helps even if I don't fully address the underlying cause.  Writing those words down helps even more.

Kids were also better in the morning and I was reminded of what an adam gadol said to me when I was discussing difficulties with my kids. He said kids can change very much from day to day and one day you can think your kids need to go to therapy and the next they seem completely normal. Never a dull moment as a parent

One day at a time and apologies for the stream of consciousness sentences.

Kavey wrote on 17 Jun 2022 01:34:

Thanks for sharing your streams of consciousness. they are insightful.

Similar to how exercise gets the blood flowing and helps one think more clearly, I found that when taking care of my kids alone, making sure to stay hydrated (as I run up and downstairs during bathtime/bedtime making sure everyone is doing what they should be, dealing with the occasional outbursts and tantrums) really helps me keep my composure.

Day 28

Some days ich hob nisht koyach for the kinder. KOT!

Day 28 contd



I'm not a struggler in an endless struggle. I'm a servant of G-D on a holy mission where every second counts.

Day 30

Hooray!

Day 43

This post should be pinned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/310955-Growing-With-The-Chevra?limit=15&start=90#332453

Also, I think the last time time passed this slowly for me was when I was a kid. I think that's a positive

Lol, your at day 43 I'm at 27. Your eons ahead of me... Great going!

Hi Kavy,
I just read through your thread, great stuff!
I love your honesty; it's a fantastic tool for growth!

Keep climbing!

Day 54

I recently went on a multi-day business trip and with HHM's close guidance I emerged in one piece. These trips are often challenging for me in terms of the loneliness, available TV in the room, stress from the trip etc. but as HHM says "failure to plan is planning to fail" and his plan got me through it.

I even felt on the way home that I got a special "kiss" from Hashem but can't share here as I think would be too much detail.

This is awesome!!

Could you share more about the planning you did?

Thanks for asking

This is what I have from HHM:

1. Get something to engross you on the trip so that you're in your own world. If Torah then great but the main thing is not to be looking around on the plane or airport
2. Shtar to send to mentor to unplug hotel room TV right away when entering the room or at least cover with a towel. If shtar is broken then monetary fine of say $100
3. Text mentor before and after going to hotel room. Same applies for work computer since there is less shmirah on a trip and more downtime.
4. Don't use hotel public computers in lobby at all
5. Find Jews (i.e. go to minyan at least once a day)
6. Take off glasses in hotel and airport (I also eventually took them off just walking in the street)
7. Call wife when you have an urge. Tell her you're thinking of her
8. When speaking with non tznius women ay work, daven for them. It helps remove objectification.

This is a lot but there are a lot of challenges. I also found it hard to fall asleep so I put on a shiur and listened to that till I fell asleep listening.

This is great...

I struggle with #1, when I go to the store these days, I remove my glasses and listen to music. I have a hard time finding something to engross myself in when I'm sitting alone and surrounded by temptation.

I love #7

I should probably find a mentor/partner. I could see that being extremely helpful.

Kavey wrote on 18 Jul 2022 18:54:

these are great practical suggestions.  Thanks for posting them here! 

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 18 Jul 2022 19:04:

Yes, would definitely recommend.

Day 56

At the beginning of this journey I felt that I need to immediately de-stress by exercising, taking a walk etc. I think with time on this journey I'm starting to have more tolerance for lower levels of stress, recognizing that it's a part of life and more ability to work despite stress and not need to act out/masturbate.