Hi, I've been trolling this site for about 2 weeks and have been wanting to start my own thread to chronicle my journey and put down some thoughts. So here goes.

A bit of background:
Right now my current streak is 14 days B"H. Before that I had been in a serious funk for a number of weeks with multiple P&M episodes throughout. I reached out to a Rabbi who I'm close to and got a referral to a therapist. It's been pretty helpful and the therapist suggested spending an least an hour a day on this site so here I am.

Prior to this I'd been struggling with P&M for about the past 9 years (I had the issue when I was single as well) and actually had a clean period of about 4 months starting from Rosh Hashana time frame, when I made some kabbalos and was pretty strict about avoiding triggers. However, as is all too common my urges started to really increase (I think about 9 or 10 on the F2F scale of 1 to 10) and coupled with a decreased resolve I fell and never really got back up.

A few comments about site learnings:

• You never really know who's struggling in real life. In particular the early threads from Kanesher and bardichev really blew my mind
• I'll admit to using 'triggering keywords' in the forum search...however what I found was eye opening and full of humanity. People go through very difficult journeys
• The thing I probably find scariest are the falls after 5, 10 or 15 years.
  
  • ​It's something I think probably the most about with respect to this site and know that creating personal life conditions conducive to long term success is going to be critical for success in this struggle long term. Right now, I spend my time thinking 'what does Hashem want me to be doing right now' which has been tremendously helpful but I'm not convinced that I can maintain the urgency about what the will of the Creator is over the long term. 

I'm going to try to keep this current and really hope the number counter continues going maalah maalah.

Welcome!!

I'll also admit to using 'triggering keywords' in the forum search... Cos I have a dumb white list on my smart phone so the only place to search is on gye , and then yeah you’ll meet people like Dov who will literally blow you away, and a lot of nice new guys too…

Kavey,
welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing.  everyone who comes here and lets themselves be vulnerable by sharing their authentic experience inspires me (and many others.)

i am so grateful that i started my own thread and captured the emotions of my journey.  it is humbling to go back and read my first posts and inspiring to see how much siyaata d'shmaya i have had.  my one regret is that i did not post more in the first two months.  

Your comment that "you never really know who's struggling" could not be more true.  I used to feel incredibly guilty about my struggles, as i have learned to accept myself and my failings i have come to recognize that a good portion of people struggle, they just don't advertise it.  The addendum to the 10th chapter of The Battle of the Generation has been very helpful with addressing this guilt.

If you are searching using triggering keywords, you may not have come across my posts.  i try to avoid those as much as possible.  however you are absolutely correct about the humanity you will find.  There is little in the forbidden world that i have not seen and i have found people of kindness and authenticity in all places and lifestyles.

A fall after 5, 10 or 15 years does not have to spell disaster.  It would certainly be disappointing, but working on the proper mindset will hopefully prevent a fall from spiraling into a freefall.  We are not angels and hashem does not expect us to be angels.  That is not the goal.  When i first went to my therapist i said to him that i just want to make sure this is not just a four month blip, that i really have changed in a permanent way.  bh i can say that i no longer have that fear.  That does not mean that i am in any way complacent or less vigilant.  I am just confident that the person i portray to myself is authentic and real and that this isn't just an intense temporary but unsustainable inspiration.  Your focus on "what does hashem want me to be doing right now" is very smart and admirable.  

For me personally, the book i referenced The Battle of the Generation has been the blueprint of the perspective that i have in my journey.  i highly recommend it!

i hope that your number counter can keep up with you - either way it sounds like you are already maalah maalah!  please keep on posting and hopefully we can continue to inspire each other.

best of success on this journey

vehkam

Kavey wrote on 08 Jun 2022 02:28:

Hi Kavey.  Welcome to GYE.  Continue to stick and around post about your journey.  Also, read other people's threads and respond when you feel you have something to share.  Recording your point above,  I recently had a fall after 3.5 years of staying clean from P&M.  But, because of all the hard work that I put in, I was able to bounce back up pretty quickly and continue fighting this battle.  If someone truly put in the work and changed himself, an occasional fall will not define who he is. It's just a temporary setback and can even be a catalyst to pushing him to greater heights. 

Mid-day post here: Davening isn't great, learning isn't great, having trouble focusing on my work but when I try to think what Hashem wants from me right now it's...to continue staying strong! And that makes me feel good.

Dave M wrote on 08 Jun 2022 13:13:

Thanks Dave. Though when you're on day 15 it's still hard to hear.

Thanks Vehkam, I've read a lot of your thread and thank you for the warm welcome. I've started to read BoTG though it's a bit dry for me so I've been skipping a bit.

Markz wrote on 08 Jun 2022 02:54:

Very similar situations and agree! Dov's comments to HakolHevel about meeting people in the real world are interesting and hope to post my thoughts and experience with this later.

Day 16
Really inspired by this guy
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/115354-Home-of-Gibbor120?limit=15&start=690#369626

And this!
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Stories/FeatureStory.asp
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/OurStories/RecStory6.asp

Kavey wrote on 09 Jun 2022 15:03:

We definitely miss him (although from time to time I still chat with him); he was/is a true fellow with good ideas, suggestions, kind words, humorous, opinionated - when we saw he posted, we actually read it from cover to cover.

Have an idea for segula against masturbation.

R' Pincus talks about the idea from the Nefesh Hachaim that the saying of a bracha actually opens up the sustenance from above for the item the bracha is praising. So, when we say birchos hashachar it's actually a really big deal. We all want to start our day with vision, good health, parnassah etc.

One bracha that always lacked some meaning to me was 'Ozer Yisroel B'Gvura' which I think R' Pincus explains as Hashem's gift as separating from our base desires. However, on a deeper note we can actually draw strength (Gevura) from the bracha itself. By having kavana in this bracha Hashem actually gives us strength to create that separation.

In a similar vein the bracha of 'Netillas Yadayim' in the morning which R' Pincus explains as praising that a Jew's hands are always in the air while a goy's hands are below the belt, below...but by making the bracha with kavana we actually help make that reality of raised hands true for us!

Day 17
I think I'm starting to come around to long term battle/ODAAT mindset. Also to the idea of hopefully not but potentially having slips and falls along the road.

This perspective may not work for everyone but if I were chas v'shalom a sex offender and created my own fences which I could tear down if I really wanted to (even if I had partners, support groups etc.) and there was temptation constantly in my face (and let's say there were no cops) would anyone be surprised if I fell? I think they would be amazed that I lasted this long And then to get up, brush off and keep on trucking? That feels almost L'Maalah min Hateva

Are we that different, really?

This may be demoralizing for some but I actually find it refreshing. The mishna in Avos admonishes 'don't believe in yourself until the day you die'. R' Pincus mentions that they found in the Kabbalos of the Atler of Kelm 'not to be a complete Rasha'. All this to say that even those who aren't addicted have the potential to fall to the bottom...how much more so those of us who have already tasted forbidden pleasures.

I think the other aspect is that there is a part of me who says 'but aren't I cut out for better things than constantly fighting this yetzer hara of arayos (or P&M in my case)'? And I think the true answer is...no! This is my tafkid now. Perhaps prior to this it didn't have to be a focus but it does now. Not to say other things in my life don't have high priority but I imagine in Shamayim in my goals for the year, P&M are gonna be there in the top 3 or 5 for the rest of my life along with being nice to the wife and kids (and torah learning, davening of course).

Kavey wrote on 10 Jun 2022 04:29:

Do you have clarity wether you are an addict?

i think it would be helpful to consult with someone and determine that now.

That wll guide your approach.

Looking at it from a non addict perspective, this last post of yours is setting yourself for falling, and contestant sstruggle 

What difference does it make whether I'm clinically diagnosed as an addict by an expert? I've been struggling on and off for a long time.

When I look at other people's journeys, the struggles they go through long term, and their avoidance of triggers etc. what I say to myself is "that's me". It definitely be seen as a downer but not necessarily. One might even say it's refreshing to look at yourself as you really are without blinders and gives new purpose. That's how I feel right now.