Human being wrote on 02 Jan 2023 03:27:

Hi human Being, I don't know what I can say that may help, but if I can I will share about myself. I myself when it was 1st year beis medrash in E"Y yeshiva, I had my device and believe it or not it was my first time in such holy makom, 18 years old, and I said to myself although I have sinned before I will not do so, it will not be done here in such makom kedusha. I really felt it was an outright something wrong, but after quite sometime I have fallen unfortunantley. But I started with programs of shovavim, did 6 weeks, and then longer some even 5months or so, yet there has been times I have fallen right after. I can't say I know what to do I only am at about 2 months and I feel great and I am sure you have done, you shouldn't let this one fall put you in a stationed low and continue that fall, rather use it as a flip zone, because Hashem wants you to have the mindset to do what you can and serve HK"BH B'emes and that can be done. It is humanly to have ta'avos and now you have a next stage of how will you seek the next few days, are you going to be remained or grow and strive with Hashem and our gye buddies, You are here voluntarily doing these posts because you care and I believe you can continue shtark, Like the Staples Button that when you click on it it says "That was EAAASSSZZZYY", here too Pretend or have a makeshift one saying "VIYYYYTAAAAR" and don't "pitty potty" exuse my language, but that's clearly the yetzer, you have goten far and although it's hard you can build back up, you have proven so yourself, and I am proud of you, Hatzlacha. from emesayid

I fell for real for the first time in 124 days. I'm down right now. Quite down indeed. I know how it happened but i dont have any answer to make sure its not going to happen again. My chavrusa isn't being consistent, and i am unable to learn myself. I then do things that are at best time consumers, at worst, are unproductive and make me lazy, lethargic and feel really empty and like garbage. 



I want to learn I wish i was able to learn by myself. Unfortunately im currently unable. 



Hashem really set up a heavy nisayon today. i was feeling empty and unfulfilled, gross, and feeling down about everything since i want to learn myself but i am unable. Which makes me feel really sad.  Then, after spending the first 10 hours of my day feeling empty and not doing anything productive, i go to my "computer place" which has a filter and is in public. Lo and behold the filter wasn't working and almost no-one was around. So frustrating. Im thinking about taking a computer break for 2 weeks now. I'm so sad right now.i really  hope that the debate on your quote didnt cause it, i have had such an experience .im doing great  in days then i post something which people comment on , maybe not very respectfuly , then i feel down and  embarressed on gye even though nobody knows who i really am.but for a meshugana like me , i still feel humiliated , and then boom, fall!

now i just  post what i want to post , and who cares if people agree or not, post what you feel is right , vzehoo! hatzlacha !Thank g-d no. I love the truth finding here and someone who has facts on their side and strongly puts them to the test has my respect and I feel ok. (sometimes I feel frustrated)   There was one time that i felt down. But it wasn't anyone's fault. I was in middle of a heavy emotional flashback. And that person was even kind enough to remove his posts just because they triggered me. So we all good out here. I'm sorry to here that you feel humiliated sometimes. And you are not a meshugana. You are a wonderful human being. We love you. And we don't think your a meshugana out here.

Emes-a-Yid wrote on 03 Jan 2023 00:59:

I didn't fall because of my "tiavos" it wasn't a lust problem. It was a boredom and empty problem. I had spent the whole day doing nothing and i needed some sort of distraction. I was so down empty and depressed, that I didn't even masturbate while watching an hour of porn. Most of the time i was disgusted and not even looking at the screen. I was just trying so hard to distract myself. Had i had a gaming system i would have done that instead of porn. I would have played MLB2K 14 for heavens sake. Just to escape depressing hopeless emptiness.

And thank you so much for the support! Only love.  

Human being wrote on 03 Jan 2023 22:14:

Later in your post you mention that if you had access to gaming, you would have possibly escaped the boredom/unproductive feelings using that venue.  Based on that i would suggest you develop a list of healthy or even semi healthy outlets when you need an escape. We all need a break from reality at times, and outlets are beneficial. Maybe gaming is not the suggestion most would choose due to its potentially addictive nature, lack of productivity, as well as its connecting one with the wrong group of people, but you appear to be a well thought through and intelligent person who knows his necessary boundaries. Whether gaming is or is not your "choice", there are so many possibilities for "occasional replacement for missing chavrusa" syndrome. Of course, if this is a very frequent occurrence it may be time to look for a new one. 

One other thing to keep in mind. A fellow who is clean BH for an extended period of time and acts out in an extreme situation (such as yours), should realize, "Ok, BH i have learned how to stay clean in most typical normal situations. I can assume that i will continue staying clean on regular weekdays, Shabbos, etc. I know that i have to plan better for tougher matzovim, but meanwhile i should not assume i am going back to the regular daily struggle. I graduated from that, and b'ezras Hashem will retain that purity."

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Jan 2023 12:25:

Thank you.
Example of list: Sudoku; "all-time greatest hockey hits where teeth fall out"; wordle; jog around the block 3x; check out the freezer for ice cream; see if I can find that football player fall on his head from an angle I haven't seen yet - perhaps one of the owner's 3 girlfriends in his suite has it on her instagram page, actually I don't know her name - how would I find that? 

My dear friend, we are here for you! remember the simple truth: One day clean is one day clean, and its yours forever and ever. Nothing you will ever do will take away the days that you were clean. You have a treasure house that's yours, and only yours. And especially after a long streak like that, my friend you have got to pat yourself on the back. Just don't pat too hard:). It's like a guy loses 30 pounds, dieting religiously, then he goes on a rampage, eating everything in sight. Mistake? Yes. Undid his months of weight loss? Absolutely not. Keep trucking my friend! p.s. You gotta remember when people argue with you, just remind yourself that you're right, that's all. The heck with them;) On a serious note, we care, we are here for you, and even those with different opinions would do anything to help you. We are brothers here! Keep your chin up!

Human being wrote on 03 Jan 2023 22:18:

I still find playing Super Mario Bros on my old DS oddly nostalgic:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

Thanks guys for the support. Im currently not in a safe place emotionally and i just hope hashem helps me aviod porn, im meeting my rebbi and a part of me is scared to death. Its petrifeid to the point of being completely frozen in fear. My heart is like a brick of ice and i have no other feelings. Quite hard for me not to go to watch porn right now. I cant think about anything other then being an ice block of fear. I hope g-d helps my feelings balance out.

Hi HB!!!!

Can you try turning on some music and dance? Get your heart pumping. Feel the energy. Go for a jog?

This scary part is also a precious stage in your journey. I hope you will succeed in calming and energizing yourself. Then in the future you should be much more confident in your ability to stay strong even when other bumps come along.

Hatzlacha!

Day 2 out here. Love the fight. We are so lucky we have what to get up for in the morning. To fight away. Thank you Hashem for this fight.

Human being wrote on 11 Jan 2023 20:21:

Great to hear that you're feelin' positive.

We get up to live, not to fight.
​There may be fights every once in a while.
Fightin' ain't livin'.

cordnoy wrote on 11 Jan 2023 20:52:

But why we livin'?

Human being wrote on 11 Jan 2023 21:39:

To grow and to work, not to fight all the time

jackthejew wrote on 11 Jan 2023 21:51:

that's what I mean when I say the word fight,  my dear factcheckers. To work and grow and struggle and move forward and persist and be stong in the face of adversity and to not back down from our convictions.    Omg. please

seems right to me....