i dont think my challenges will ever go away. If they go away im dead. also my challenge in this area is just as much a safety issue then a porn issue. It will never become just another challenge, As long as im feeling alone and small in a dangerous world, im going to have the same sexual pull. My sexual pull hasnt changed over the last 74 days. My self control has.

day 53

1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1



I stared jogging every day. i hope to get to a goal of 50 days with an hour of jogging. Im on day 4 today.

Human being wrote on 09 Nov 2022 21:09:

Good luck. Maybe you’ll inspire me. 

4 miles a day for 50 days. 4 down 46 to go.

i fee like its day 9 or 10. I'm struggling in my interest to feel disconnection as apposed to just watching movies and feeling safe for a little. its annoying knowing what is making me feel unsafe, what would make me feel safe, and then in pops a religious part that says "sorry that is something to avoid" DAMN can i just rent a wife for a few days for companionship? NOTHING sexual. just a non judgmental safe place where i can use my love language which is touch to feel connected to another human being. I want non sexual soothing bonding touch so badly. RAAAAAAAA!!!


Day 79 my dearest of dears!!!!

I so feel you…your love language for feeling safe is to be held and touched and it’s not available to you. Our religion does make this kind of thing extra difficult. You can’t get a hug or just be held by someone when you so need to just be able to bury yourself in someone’s arms and feel protected. Sending you huge hugs, my dear, dear friend…❤️

Human being wrote on 13 Nov 2022 22:40:

There are plenty of religious people that will connect with a hug.  Keep your eyes open for those people and try to make a connection with them. I have places that I go to occasionally for shabbos specifically because I know that I will get a hug

I don't feel the safety of touch with Frum people. My brain doesn't allow vulnerability around frum people for fear of eventual rejection. I wish I could find safety with frum people obviously, because i am frum myself, in yeshiva surrounded by shtark frum good people learning the whole day.

80

Whatever script has made you decide that frum people will reject you has to be changed buddy. Yes, there are tough members in our society and obviously you have been "burnt". But i am sure that rationally you know that there are many warm caring genuine and welcoming individuals in the most chareidi corners. Try to (cautiously) move on.

Yes of course I know rationally that Frum people aren't dangerous. 

I actually believe Frum people are the safest people in the world.

I wish I can just "tell that' to my mind. Oh well that it doesn't work like that.

So let's stop that thought from paralyzing you and inhibiting your ability to receive the available assistance.

Its not a thought. Its a feeling. Big difference.

Thoughts are cognitive. We can gain more information that will cause us to see a new narrative and then change our minds about what we think. Feelings on the other hand don't go away until they heal. Even if we understand that the feeling doesn't make sense.  You can look at my recent post on my other thread about healing feelings to understand it better.   Since for years and years and years i saw Frum people as dangerous, simply "realizing" that Frum people aren't dangerous, doesn't change the feeling that is in my brain and body. Its going to take many experiences of safe connection to Frum people to heal that feeling and actually feel safe with Frum people.

So I don't need any more understanding or "chapping" or "changing my thoughts" to develop safety around Frum people. What I need is healing experiences. One of those would be meeting you because you aren't judgmental. Which would be really nice of you because it can start changing the way I feel.

Sorry if I'm lecturing here! I feel a little dumb. here you are trying to help me and I'm lecturing you. thanks so much for following up and staying by my side here. I cant express how much a appreciate it.