*Sees above message*

Woah, gotta help Meyer, he's been lusting! Give him some chizuk! When was his message posted? 4:01am.

Gotta hate time differences.

More seriously, how are you coping? Keep trucking. As you said, we don't want to be slaves, except for to Hashem. Its great you had the piece of mind to come on here and post, despite the lust urges. I saw a quote on this site, I think it fits here nicely. 'Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.'

Much hatzlocha

Meyer M. wrote on 11 Aug 2020 04:01:

Is there something specifically that triggered you?  Or was it just urges.  If it's urges, it will pass.  Talk it out here.  

Some unrequited love, honestly why am I referring to it as love? I don’t even want it, it’s not even realistic (Edit: It’s not even them from real life it’s like a film editor cleaned all the imperfections and my brain shows me that) and I don’t want to love these people in these fantasies in a sexual way (Edit: Them as a friend I can see myself wanting but I’m not interested sexually) Maybe I’m looking for a connection? (Edit: Yeah I can see me wanting a connection)....But it’s long gone (Edit: some of them I no longer have contact with)...I’m not understanding myself as of right now (Edit: I understand myself just not sure what to do)......any ideas?

Screw it. I want out and I don’t care how. Just made a promise that I will NOT mb for the next 24 hours or I will pay a fine of $100. Hopefully hitting the issue on the head will help. Pretty frustrated if you couldn’t tell so yeah, I feel better now....

Day 9: (Deep Breath) Clean. 



Well that was hard.



And anti-climatic 

Meyer - You're amazing. 

Meyer M. wrote on 11 Aug 2020 14:55:

Not entirely sure I understand the situation. There are some girls you lost touch with that you would like to connect with now? 

Both. None of them are appealing to me sexually, more of me wanting a connection as far as I can tell but if that’s not possible (well it’s possible. Just creepy to go after someone like that) then why in the world is my brain twisting it the other way?

Day 10: Clean. 

Successfully managed 24 hours and my thoughts have calmed down. Whew B’h

On of the most important step towards overcoming this struggle is to acquire Heseich Hada’as. Usually, if a person is faced with a challenge, the strategy to overcome it is by working hard to get it under control. However, in this area, such a strategy will not work. In fact, the opposite is true: When a person tries to control a thought, he is essentially bringing to mind the very topic that he was trying to rid himself of, which causes his mind to explore it further. For example, if someone tells himself not to think about an elephant, then just mentioning those words will bring the image of an elephant to mind. This idea holds true both with regards to inappropriate thoughts, as well as improper sights.

A person should always remember the Golden Rule: Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.

A good area that can positively impact this struggle is developing one’s overall self-control, without specifically targeting this issue. The reason for this is because when a person acts out, his fundamental problem is that he is lacking in his ability to withstand an urge; therefore, when he is faced with a difficult nisayon, he falls apart.

By giving in to every ta’avah he has, a person allows the the yetzer hora to gain a hold over him. The person must therefore back-track and work on becoming a more disciplined person in general, someone who doesn’t always have to give in to every ta’avah that he has. Even if the nisayon of kedushah is too hard for him to withstand at this point, nonetheless, by working on his general self-control, he will be developing his ability to say “No”, and eventually, kedushah-related nisyonos will also become easier to resist.

I’m seeing my resolve falter a little so I’m going to make a pact: 



I will give it my all to fight this nisayon



In my 10 day streak so far I have seen another major leap in this fight, for this I will continue fighting



I will not make rash decisions that may lead me to regret them



Thats it for y’all. May we see lots of success going forward.

Day 11: Clean.

was going to post about how depressed I was and how I was fearing the cycle was going to continue and I had several close calls with MB today...was speaking about my grandfather today who’s yartzheit is coming up and I thought to myself ‘he’s upstairs and I want to ask him for help’. I came on to log my progress for today on the 90 day chart and when the page reloaded it got stuck at #200 username: yosuf at level 2, chazak chazak.....I know there are coincidences, yosuf was my grandfather and I am taking this as a sign there is someone else running the show. 



On day 9 I had an extremely close call and in the moment I snapped back and said I will not do this, every day since I don’t know how I’v been doing it but I have pushing forward with an incredible amount of strength.....’do teshuvah the size of a eye of a needle and I will make an opening the size of wagons to pass through’ (something like that, I can’t recall)

I will keep fighting, this is not where I will stop.

Hi Meyer,,

I've had loads of taiva this morning, its hit me really badly. Just letting you know your post gave me a lot of chizuk. Makes me want to fight on. So thanks for that.

All the best.

Day 12: Trucking onward

fantasy ta'avos decreasing but the most disturbing and troubling ones are still plaguing me although with less grip than ever...I'm also a little confused...my brain is thinking of these fantasies but im physically having no reaction, it feels weird as I want to have no reaction and not have these thoughts (thoughts are inevitable though) but to have the thoughts and no reaction? I think I am making the transition back to normalcy as last time this happened it was with porn and I returned to my sense of normalcy.

A gut shabbos and to continued success! 

Day 13: Clean.



I'v got a plan to deal with my tai'vos going to implement it and see what happens, looking forward to seeing the results.



Shabbos was a little up and down but so is life so thats that and im going to ramble on so goodnight.




Edit: It’s not worth it to give in to your tai’vos, yes it hurts now but when you look back you will be proud of yourself for fighting. Think of it like your job at work (most of us hate it), every day hurts but when you get that paycheck the pain disappears.