Today was and IS STILL rough. I had such strong urges to masturbate and to give in. Even after delaying and learning with a chavrusa for a couple hours I was still feeling a big pull. I also did what I committed to do before a fall and it only helped a little.

I said some tehillim with real emotion and afterwards asked Hashem a request: "Hashem, Father, I've been putting forth a great effort over the past weeks to avoid masturbation. Even though now my desire to not masturbate is overshadowed by a great urge and I can't honestly say that I want to be saved, however You know that in the deepness of my heart I want to be a good and faithful jew. Please save me and hold my hand through this difficult test. Every thought and desire of mine only exists through Your will. Nothing is mine. Please grant me help against this battle."

I then went outside for fresh air for a little while to try and distract myself. Afterwards I felt alot better. I felt that my tefillos were answered and that I put in a huge effort into avoiding a fall. Before coming on to GYE I had the slightest clue of how to battle my way out of an urge to masturbate. Through GYE I learned battle techniques, and got chizuk knowing that others are battling the same thing and that others are actually victorious. Being able to put in a substantial effort felt amazing. I felt I had direction and I didn't feel alone.

As of now there is not a complete happy ending nor a bad one. Although earlier I felt much better, the strong urges are slowly creeping their way back. I hope I can battle my way through.

Kol HaKavod! You know every second you withhold from giving in you are on the level of Yosef HaTzadik!

Mango010 wrote on 21 May 2020 00:39:

Nice tefilah. So honest and so beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

Okay, so I ended up masturbating.

I feel upset and down.

I waited almost 12 hrs. with this strong urge!
I said tehillim!
I talked to Hashem!
I exercised!
I had chavrusas!
I read a book!
I went for fresh air!

I don't know what to say. I did SO MUCH to prevent this fall yet I still fell. I was trying to just go to sleep and wake up the next morning with it behind me but the urge was just pounding!

Nothing stands out in my mind that I could have done. Yes there's always what to do more but in the realms of being human I feel I did my job. Unless I obsess about this struggle - which I don't think is healthy - I don't see how to implement a significantly better battle strategy. If I obsess, I can battle it better by speaking to friends on a very regular basis and be extremely (unhealthy extreme) careful about using the internet and not looking at women. 

Perhaps though, just a small change will give me the advantage I need. I am working towards finding someone I know and who is real to be able to open up to and share experiences with. This forum is great but I feel I also need a real relationship with someone.

It was weird. I didn't even want to masturbate for the masturbation itself. I just wanted the urge to leave - and the only way it would leave would be by masturbating. I don't recall experiencing this before. 

Here is a thought: My fall is magnified in my eyes only because of my human nature. I, being human, judge myself using streaks. Hashem though, being the all powerful and compassionate G-d that He is, isn't confined to my human deficiencies. He sees every effort, second, minute, hour, thought, and battle that I won in this war. I have never battled off masturbation this fiercely before in my life. I feel I have done well.

But I am discouraged. If I put in this much effort and I feel that there is not that much that I can do more then why will next time be any different?

Any thoughts or chizuk would be very much appreciated.

Hey mango I truly believe that you will build on this monumental achievement. You have achieved something you never thought possible. You reached a milestone you never had before. Nothing can take that away. Iyh you will set way bigger milestones that will blow your mind. 
I feel this way because earlier this year i hit 90 days for the first time. I then went on to hit 180 days. 6 months clean. Now bear in mind that for many years I was a habitual porn watcher. I would fall a few times a week. My period of cleanliness came from being active on gye and getting chizzuk from the many heroes who post on the site. I will iyh beat my previous goals and so will you. Good luck!

Mango010 wrote on 21 May 2020 23:44:

Ok, you asked for "any" thoughts or chizuk, so I'll try and deliver  

Who said next time needs to be different? You are a human being trying to live in accordance with you beliefs and values while still being careful to live a balanced life. Seems to me like you are doing a pretty good job. 

Also, it doesn't seem to me like you are lost with regards how to bring a greater sense of ease into your life in this area. You seem to believe that opening up to someone will help you. Trust yourself. You got this. KOT!

First of all, you are doing absolutely amazing, and don't doubt that for a second. Imagine what was going on in Shamayim for the 12 hours that you were fighting! You feel you have done well because you have done well. Just keep going.
I do think opening up to someone "real" is a good idea (although, contrary to popular belief, we're not Russian bots). There is definitely something different about picking up the phone and talking to someone versus posting here.
Have an amazing and peaceful Shabbos!

Put your accomplishment in perspective. If someone masturbates an average of once a day, he can expect to do so 365 times a year. If one trains himself that he can refrain from doing it, let's say for 10 days, he can now look forward to a year with only 36 times. That is an incredible accomplishment. And if he starts to enhance that to once every 15 or 20 days....do the math.  Secondly, holding back for 12 hours is also a great feat. There were many points in my struggle that 12 minutes did not exist. Appreciate where you were and where you are.
As has been written many times, you now have a choice. The mountain climber who falls in a ditch after a week or two of climbing can decide to roll down the mountain, or to enjoy the view as he cleans himself up and enjoys the view. Until I came to GYE, I made the utterly stupid mistake of throwing in the towel if my success was not perfect, instead of accepting little increments of gain. In my case, I masturbated multiple times a day. I wish someone would have told me to celebrate doing it only twice a day..... 
In any event Mr. Mango, mangoes are quite resilient...…..

Thanks guys for all the amazing posts. 

Awww. C'mon. I fell again today.

​I know this is an anonymous forum but I'm embarrassed to write that I fell again. I feel like I'm letting all you amazing guys down who keep cheering me on.

I was feeling down about my last fall and I didn't put up much of a battle this time around. I see that its important to get yourself up real quick after a fall otherwise there is a great risk you'll fall again (well said Hashem Help Me). If I fall again in my journey, I will try speak to a friend without delay so that I can get right back on track. I hope I can pull it all together and restart this journey.

I was thinking, did I really gain in my 16 day journey? Say I would have masturbated once over 7 days. Now it was twice at the end of 16 days. The numbers are the same. Maybe battling for so long only made my urge stronger and I am worse off? I somehow know this is not true, but why?

There's a saying about statisticians that if they put one hand in a cup of boiling water and one hand in a cup of freezing water they'll be comfortable. Obviously it's not true even though one would think that if you mix boiling hot and freezing they should even out. Falling once every 7 days versus twice every 16 are not equal. By holding off for 16 days you are training your brain not to give in to the urge so quickly and are building resilience. This is the process of rewiring our brains. You are right where you were before you fell, no less. Don't let it get to you just keep going! Kol HaKavod for 16 days! It's worth celebrating, make a Kiddush tomorrow and break out the good stuff 

@mangoo

Were here for you, after falling during what may seem like your last streak... We all know what that feels like. Keep it going. 

Just make sure sure you realize that if the only thing you accomplished in this streak (the days also of course) is that last battle... Wow, nothing more or better you can do. You worked through your plan, you asked for help, you even exersized (I don't ever know of a time I pushed that hard to go work out) ... Wow. How did you do that, I'm sure it was really difficult. You stayed on the horse as long long as possible, and in my opinion... If you get back on to your next streak, it was a successful battle. Recommit yourself, refresh, reset, and keep yourself going. You can this, and I'm not sure (if you do) how you could not see lasting freedom in your future. This suggests requires commitment, and good planning ... You have both. Keep us oosted, keep coming back for advise, and keep giving us Chizuk with all of your well earned success. 

Thank you. 

Yosef, thanks for the warm words.

I feel back on my feet now.

I think for myself, not posting everyday might help. It'll make me less obsessive over not trying to masturbate. Gonna see how it works. Anyhow though thanks for your kind words. 

Whatever works, just know we'll be here waiting. 

Hows it going man?
Come back! We need you!!