Here's my story.

Today was my first day. Went well B"H. Moving on to day 2. I'm going to try to just focus on the present and to battle the moment.

Keep cheering me on!

Go for it!

I felt urges seeping in slowly already on day 2. I'm realizing that my erratic sleep schedule (due to COVID - 19) might be making myself more vulnerable to urges. I hope they go away so that it doesn't start building up.

Also, I noticed that posting on GYE is zapping me a bit of emotional energy, but hey, no one said battling this thing was easy!

Moving on to day 3!

Day 3 completed!

Today went better than yesterday.

Keep me going!

Mango010 wrote on 07 May 2020 03:01:

Hey you're keeping me going! 
No one said it was easy but your great attitude gives me strength 

The past couple days actually took a turn for the better. I felt the urges I was feeling a couple days ago fall away and it felt great to know that I can actually withstand these urges and that they will actually go away.

I also felt I had the GYE team behind me so that also helped alot. Before visiting GYE, when I felt an urge it was common for me to act on it because I thought to myself "it will never go away, so why battle for days on end?". However, when I read posts describing personal victories in outlasting an urge, and ideas throughout the site that after enough distracting and time the urges will go away it gave me tremendous strength to believe in myself that I can battle this thing. 

Ironically, over the past couple years I used to masturbate as a "hachana" for shabbos or yom tov - I didn't want to masturbate on those days out of fear that I would feel really bad so I made sure to get it out of my system before those days arrived. Perhaps out of those patterns and due to the extra down time on erev shabbos/yom tov I find those particular days to to be especially difficult. This past Friday I was feeling urges but I decided No! I'm overcoming this! And you know what? I did! It felt great to control the urges and not it controlling me.

Moving on to day #7

Today went overall well! Going for day 8!

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster though. At the highs I feel great about my accomplishments as a person, how I've grown and really worked on myself and that I have normal struggles in regards to shmiras habris and sexual desires. The lows though are painful. I feel like I am a totally disgusting person with huge problems in shmiras habris and that my sexual desires are out of wack. In my mind I have a long list of all the things I have done or thought about which would I tell myself are so terrible and irreversible, that I feel really bad about myself. I tell myself that if I masturbated in this and this way or aroused myself like this and this then I must be truly horrible and have a really dirty mind. It's difficult to discuss these things with someone because they are the dirty details and there just so many of these details that I would probably need to fill a chapter of a book with them! My personality is to magnify issues or my bad qualities I have, so I'm sure that adds a bad mix into the picture.

Sometimes I reach a point of accepting myself but I just can't let go because I tell myself that I'm letting go of real problems. I find though when I just post here on GYE or talk to a friend I get to see my situation in better clarity and I'm not bothered nearly as much by what Iv'e done - I accept it. When I'm lost in my world and not sharing, that's when I magnify these things that I've done into huge monsters. I sometimes even laugh afterwards at how silly I made these things to be. But the horrible feeling of being such a disgusting human just keeps coming back.

Perhaps those thoughts are distractions from what I really need - to open up a bit more about my struggles with masturbation, and once I do, those feelings will fall away? Anyone can relate? I really appreciate all feedback thanks!

Hey dude, keep writing. It'll take you far. 



1) I relate a lot of to the concept of highs and lows. I've thankfully been able to mostly move beyond that experience. This happened when I stopped thinking that I was someone who REALLY TRULY was extremely amazing, but was just messing up. Instead, I started thinking that maybe my experience of feeling like I was so low, so different, so not normal, was really my secret way of saying "I'm better than everyone else".



I couldn't stand my low points, because "I KNEW" that I was really something special. When I would do well and have a very long streak going, I felt like I was living up to who I really was, that special someone.



As I grew older, I started to see through this BS. I came to understand that I am a human being. I have flaws. There is no moment I will arrive anywhere. I do my best every day. Being clean today or for x amount of days in the past assures me NOTHING for tomorrow.



I realized that everything I did that I thought was so sick and unique, other HUMAN BEINGS can relate to every detail of my shame perfectly. 



So, do you need to share with others? I dunno, what do YOU think? I think I only started realizing I wasn't a FREAK and I wasn't SPECIAL when I shared with others and wasn't met with total horror and shock.



I hope some of this made sense, and I pray to G-d this wasn't my ego talking nonsense. I hope it's seen as trying to be helpful and not instead as someone being a jerk. If this seems like rubbish to you, then simply toss it where it belongs. 



Good night.

Yes, one of Dov's talks, he explains how he had absolutely abnormal expectations of himself, he at a point really believe he could be the next gadol hador, and any instance of not living up to that made him crazy. And I feel that too, and I'm sure most of us do, and that's why lust is such a perfect outlet, because it accepts me for who I am, always, and makes me a real king, as she looks into my eyes and just, you know, honors me sooo much from the other side of that screen. 
He says it's fine to have an "okay" day. And most days are "okay", and most of us are really just "average" and that's okay too! It definitely lets a lot more serenity shine in than the alternative: false highs and lows cushioned by porn.

Thanks guys. 

Deep exhale. Today was just one of those days where things don't go right at all. I was feeling down to start the day and things didn't go as planned throughout the day.

I didn't have any strong urges to masturbate but I was just feeling so down that I was getting close to using masturbation as a way to feel better. I got through the day though and I feel proud about it! I hope Hashem sees how much effort I'm putting in and extends a hand towards me.

Gearing up for day 9...

For someone that seems to be newer to the sight, I don't want you to miss out on the beutiy of some of your posts. 

To to realize that it is the bad feelings that are leading you to want an escape, and understanding that the escape is just a last ditch effect to forget about everything in the moment,  IS HUGE. 

I used to to just think I'm crazy hormonal, and an urge came out of thin air. It took me a long while to realize that this is usually never the case,there is always another factor, and sometimes that factor is the entire subconscious decision to escape reality for just a couple moments. 

When end you realize this, and you see the inner clockwork of what makes a struggle happen, you can be aware when that feeling or urge comes and see it as just an attempted escape... And I DONT RESLLY WANT THIS, I just want to escape the pain. 

The he next step is pain tolerance, but be great full that you got this point, it's very fundamental in my journey. 

Man, thanks for your post it just gave me a huge boost! I was just watching this video which hit home for me.

Wow I have lots to share but I'm going to sleep now and don't have time to write about it. I just wanted to post something for today. I hope to write about it later. With Hashems help I am going on to day 10!

Looking Forward!

So about yesterday...

Bring out the champagne! I reached 9 days without masturbating which was the longest I've EVER gone (at home) since I started struggling a couple years ago. The urge to masturbate though was coming at me stronger than the day before but I managed to fight it off. 

I had a long conversation with somebody about some of the pain, guilt, fears and struggles I'm going through. Afterwards I felt great and realized that more of these type of conversations would only make me feel better. I also realize that my struggle has a lot less to do with going after my urges but instead has to do with feeling alone. I see that sharing itself is a huge tool against this battle. The less I share the more I magnify my struggles in my mind. When I discuss it however I get it out of my system and when I get feedback, I see the reality of my struggle. In the past I've spoken to my parents and friends about these struggles but I see that I need to talk about it on a more consistent basis. I hope to reach out to some friends that I can speak with regularly.

My view on my struggle is also slowly shifting. I'm viewing myself as more of a human. I see that I blow up my downfalls and struggles to the point that I see myself as a complete failure. When I speak to someone though, it's as if this big balloon gets popped into this tiny rubber ball that it truly is. I'm recognizing that I don't have any serious issues but rather I'm a normal male. Of course it's difficult, but what has been more difficult is the feeling of alone. This the real problem and I hope to tackle it. But for the past couple years I put myself at a big disadvantage because I haven't shared as much as I needed to.

It also makes me feel sad about how many years I had to go through with this pain and guilt on my shoulders. I feel that the very fact of feeling alone propelled me to masturbate every 3/4 days and to have occasional downfalls with the internet. I know this is the custom made path that Hashem wanted me to work through so I'm trying not to focus on what should/could have been. I do however, still feel the sadness.

Before writing this post I was having the strongest urge to masturbate since I started my 90 day journey. Now, however after writing I feel so much better!

Day 10 is history!

Next up: Day 11

I may not be able to post tomorrow so I will try Motzei Shabbos or Sunday

A wonderful shabbos to all GYE'ers out there!