Hey, Become Holy, you ok? We haven't heard from you in a few days... I hope all's well.
I imagine you already know what Bard's KOT,NMW means, (Keep On Truckin No Matter What) Do you know what KG's DLUH means?
It means 'Don't Leave Us Hanging!!!', We're your friends here and we care about you. We need to know how your hold'n up!!

OK guys... the past few days weren't so great. I wasn't feeling well... and you know what that means. Being stuck in this cycle of not sleeping welll and having a totally messed up schedule.... oy. In any case... I'm doing better, not so depressing... got some stuff done... so I'm ready to go.

I read Garden of Emuna over shabbos... it really makes it so simple. I plain and simple need to connect to god. Fulfilling my tayvos is against emuna, because it means I need to do this now or else I'll be _______ (yest chizuk email?). So instead of "let go & let god" I do the opposite every time I give in. I need to daven that I should be able to daven. I mean I did... of course... God said no. I was so gone I couldn't get up and daven. So I need to try harder... thats the thing... its simple... yet its not... the Y"H won't give up.

But realistically, I need to refocus. Everything I need to do needs be with God's help. I need to focus that God is providing. That right now God will help me finish this post. EVERYTHING. If I'm constantly thinking about God I won't have time for other things...

I'm in the process of setting up a Gvoice # so I should be able to get a sponsor / partner soon.

I read something today which hopefully can be applied to Us (from sefer chofetz chaim):

The quality of shmiras haloshon should be attained gradually. The first step is to accustom oneself to avoid groups involved in idle conversation and to train oneself not to inquire about the latest gossip. One should train himself, little by little, until he reaches the point where he does not even want to be informed of any gossip. With the passage of time, Hashem will help him so that shmiras haloshon will become a part of his very nature. He will find it incredible that others can transgress the sin of speaking loshon hora, which to him has become something repulsive, like anything else which the Torah prohibits.

Thanks for sharing BH. Always feel free to pm or email me. If im available id love to be of some help.

imtrying25 wrote on 22 Dec 2009 21:53:


Thanks! :-)

BecomeHoly wrote on 22 Dec 2009 22:07:

I hope I never find addicts repulsive. Even after im past this thing.

Let me clarify:

I hope that I "will find it incredible that others can transgress the sin of speaking loshon hora, which to him [ the sin ] has become something repulsive, like anything else which the Torah prohibits.


Its like imagining someone would eat cockroaches. I gag just thinking about it. Not about the person. But about doing the action myself. And also wonder why in the world people would subject themselves to that. They're obviously not well.... which means I can treat them like sick people.... I want to be repulsed by the sin, not by the people who sin.

BecomeHoly wrote on 22 Dec 2009 22:26:
Thanks a lot, thats much better! 

I'm Cold. I'm tired. My neck and back hurt. I have lots to do. I talk to God. I say, God, let me take this nap, let it be restful, let it give me the energy to continue to work. Let it heal my pain. I let go. I say God, you're in control. When I'm sleeping, its all you. I'm not setting an alarm. I'm letting you decide. I am giving myself over to you. Can I let go and let god any more than that?

I'm still tired. I'm still cold. My neck & back hurt more. I've missed a deadline for today. God, I let go. Where were you?

Dude G-d is always here. Sometimes we might not realize it but hes there helping us. We just dont realize what hes helping us with.

BecomeHoly wrote on 23 Dec 2009 00:27:
Does R' Shalom Arush really advocate the 'no alarm clock' idea?
Isn't that contrary to our view of hishtadlus?
I mean would you let someone take an item from your store for free bec H-shem can pay you back for it?

No no... I meant that I had 2 hours of time. Enough time for a full sleep cycle. I even had 3 hours if God decided thats how much I needed to recuperate. I left it in Gods hands. 20 minutes or 2 hours. or anything in between. I wasn't going to limit the "refuah." But I slept terribly. I didn't feel refreshed, I felt worse, because I kept tossing and turning and waking up from I dunno what.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, God is doing whats best for me. On the other hand, I DON"T FEEL THAT WAY! I even davened before my nap that no matter what I should feel that way. But it only dug me in deeper.

BecomeHoly wrote on 23 Dec 2009 21:38:
Having real Emunah is a very simple level yet also a very high level. If you have it, there's pretty much an open road to your shleimus ahead of you.
Naturally, it follows that if you want it, you gotta stick to it throughout all tests.
Watched Ushpizin?

Except I'm failing all tests. One after the next. I can't pass even one without Gods help. I'm asking god to help me get started. God says no. Now what?

How do you know he says no?
His yes is waiting in your effort.
A no means even when you really try - he still doesn't let you succeed. Very rare.

Dear Becoming Holy,

I feel you brotherI I have totally been there, when you look at yourself and think, am I ever gonna be able to beat anything? Is there still any connection between me and Ha-shem?

But often He really is just saying, what will my son Become Holy do if I keep saying no? Will he forget about Me, or will it be clear from his posts that he is still searching for Me? Keep the searchlights/prayers coming strong!

As the B-Talmud says in brachos about this passuk,

Kavei el Hashem - daven to Ha-shem

Chazak viya'ametz libecha - strengthen and fortify your heart (when He keeps saying no)

vikavei el Ha-shem - and keep on davenin!!

May the lord make you feel better, and may you make you feel stronger!

Haba