Yes, many addicts like us have found, with a lot of trial and error over time, that they simply cannot watch any non-Jewish movies, TV series, sitcoms, comedy, documentaries, even disney and 3D movies,... NOTHING. We keep thinking they'll be clean, and finding that they are full of triggers that we never imagined. It's a painful decision, but often we just have to give this stuff all up on the alter of our recovery for Hashem and for our sanity.

See this funny article...

no i don't think its the guy in the picture on this forum - the balance pole is missing. But in fact, what was upsetting to me was that I am not so sensitive that everything is a trigger, but in this case, it was a COMPLETELY clean movie, except for that one, completely unnecessary, NUDE scene. This wasn't stam a trigger - it was much more than that, and completely out of place.

Truth is though, I need to drop the movies in any case, whether I'm trigger sensitive or not. I gotta stop wasting time....

If you want to fulfill your name "BeHOLY", it might be a good idea  :D

Ok I'm feeling it - the motzash "wanna do something" mood. The need to feel fulfilled. I went to a chanuka concert... but it wasnt so great and I'm feeling a little bleh. I'm probably just going to give to watching a quick show (something like mythbusters - discovery channel) but I'm posting here because I know that if I put it down officially that I will NOT go there... than I have a commitment. Besides my commitment to God. Now its your turn God. I've done my part. Protect me, do yours. I can't fight the yetzer alone. Fill the void, even temporarily just for 24 hours, so I can get to my next davening. I had a great shabbos. Motzash is tough, but tomorrow will be good. Productive. I know its a liltle bit of a let down - 3 friends got engaged this week. But me... nothing in sight. Ok thats not true... but its looking far off. Its only my perception, but God, you know whats best for me. Let me internalize that too.

Chanuka Sameach :-)

Ok that was a tough night. I basically ended up spending all night reading gye. Often I would be doing other not so good things instead. As they say, spend the time on healing instead of addiction. I really should get some sleep... but what I realized is that its not about me - life is a challenge, I need to "play the game" and move up in "levels." Every single thing in life is tailor made to challenge me to get to the next level. If I'm out to get, instead of give, I'm missing the point. I need to shift my thinking and realize that every single pleasure I get is a gift, an extra. Its not a right, or even an expectation. By realizing that God is in control, and focusing on what God wants from me EVERY moment, I will be able to connect to God and achieve true happiness. By being giving to others, and expecting NOTHING in return, I will have them be additional happiness for me, since anything I DO receive from them will be an extra, a plus, something special. Once I achieve this paradigm shift, I will be a different person - nothing will faze me.

Anyway, please daven for me that I can get a little rest, wake up for shachris, and FOCUS on my davening, because somethign as simple as focusing on davening is like a daily dose of chizzuk. DAvening is filled with all these concepts that help connect you to God and better understand your purpose.

:-)

BeHoly, that post was an ACE (another chizuk e-mail). Beautiful!

Unfortunately missed shachris.... and the zchus of being at a BRIS! oy. but at least I'm rested. God help me make the rest of this day productive.

Ok... I managed to get a decent amount of sleep, although not much done but i'm avoiding arayot thank God. I watched the finale of a tv show, so I can now have an easier time removing an hour of wasted time from my week. This was a pretty engaging storyline, so it was one of the harder shows to drop. the rest can be dropped straightaway so I hope I can succeed in dropping all of it asap.

I think I'm gonna take an hour nap before shachrit ( I slept from like 7 - 3) , get a good shachrit in and then have a productive day.

Spent 1/2 hour looking at the נרות הקדושים last night - hopefully God will help that heal me.

Keep on chugging on your journey to holy becoming!

Keep it up!!  Positive thinking will lead to only good things. 

So I missed shachris again :-(  I don't know why I am so tired, but its been pretty crippling. In any case, I dreamed that I was doing the bad stuff... and it was very real to me, like I was at the point where I was like "oh well, I guess my 90 days have to start over"

But then I woke up. Does it count as a fall or a slip? I mean I didn't even resist, I didn't even try stopping. God's making it really hard for me right now. I can't win if I'm not even concious. I can't get anything done either. My room is a mess (and I'm a NEAT person) because I've had no energy to put stuff away, and I've gotten no work done in the past 2 days, and I feel like _______.

All I'm asking for right now is to not be tired. Everything else will be achievable if I have energy. How is it that Zombies are held responsible for their actions?

Ok I'm in that mode - extremely sensitive - I haven't looked at anything but I'm just feeling it in me... like if I blink wrong I'll just explode. Its itching, squirming, in general a feeling of I gotta go. In these moments I'm tempted to just "relieve" myself, because I think it might prevent me wasting an hour surfing.

I dunno what to do. the fact that my stomach is feeling queasy doesn't help. It just exacerbates the problem. My stomach issues mean that I often feel incompletely relieved after going to the bathroom. This leads to "coaxing" which can sometimes lead to hz"l.

The y"h uses every tool at its disposal. I'm gonna go try to find some of my own in the handbook. But from experience, once this happens its only a matter of time till I can no longer fight it. Maybe I'll try to fight it till mincha and then get a really good mincha in, and pray for God's help.

HOLD ON BRO!!!!!!!!!!!! STRETCH YOUR HAND OUT AND WELL GRAB YOU AND HELP YOU WALK THIS TIGHTROPE. DONT TRY AND DO IT YOURSELF. WE LOVE YOU BRO. KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks ;-)  I just read some of the handbook and I think it helped a bit. I know that giving in won't feel good. God has given me the gift of feeling physical stomach pain that is exacerbated every time I give in.  I also know that this is not what I want to do. I want a real, emotional, close relationship with a spouse. This is a watered down experience, which waters down the real experience as well. Not to mention how much damage is done everytime I give in. I just need to keep the focus. God will do the rest.

You couldnt of said it better, you basicaly  said Let Go and Let G-d. which btw is like the motto of this forum. Well almost. But keep up that great attitude and youll soon be doing great. just read or keep busy or....just post away.  BECOME HOLY!!!!