I PM'd him, I emailed him, he didn't reply and didn't explain why, either. So don't be surprised...

Dov wrote on 21 Oct 2018 18:10:

Sorry to hear that. We are communicatin' however. It ain't my pretty face, that I can guarantee you.

cordnoy wrote on 21 Oct 2018 18:20:

I've seen you and think you're a handsome fellow. I could guess why he's ignored me in private, while posting at me in public...but I'll let him judge that himself cuz it isn't my business.

Dov wrote on 21 Oct 2018 18:26:

I read your PM but didn't get a chance to respond. You basically told me that I'm using my bipolar disorder as an excuse to attack people personally, and even that I may not be bipolar at all. Doesn't lead me to think that the conversation will go somewhere good. I still think we have cultural differences and different ways of looking at the world.

Looks cordnoy lives in my neck of the woods. If later I discover that the same is true for everyone else here I'm going to fall over

I do not think that I wrote that "you may not be bipolar". Rather, I think I wrote that I don't know if you are really bipolar. There is a difference. One is about me, the other is about you. If you learned that distinction instead of having a hand at it, I believe a lot of your communication would be much more effective - probably at home w wife, kids, shulmembers and friends. I think you may not realize that you're confusing the two, and I think that leads to much of your feeling insulted by others: you may take it as a given that they are judging you just the way you judge others. You may not even understand that it's judgement going on, at all. But most folks - here, at least - are more kind and realize that we aren't certain about that much.

And, correct, bipolar isn't an excuse for baiting people or annoying them. If yoh are bipolar, then it's your job to work on not doing that as much. You're even better at formulating excuses than I am, it appears. So that's probably one reason your efforts occasionally may never even get off the ground. An open mind will go a very long way toward helping you with seeing excuses as avoidance. I have bH sponsored a couple of addicts with bipolar, so I know it's patient, slow work to get balanced.

I hope you enjoy Cordnoy, if you meet him. You both have a lot of good stuff to share, I'm sure. He will have to be comfortable with his own safety, of course, and that's not always easy to assess. Nu. Hatzlocha to both of you!

Dov wrote on 21 Oct 2018 20:54:

I share all the time on the forum.

I don't think his safety will be an issue, I just hope he doesn't  get too bored.

And if he gets bored, then what?

Dov wrote on 21 Oct 2018 21:26:

I just hate to impose on people.

I was reading cordnoy's posts because we are supposed to get together and I know how he feels about readers doing their homework ...

In one of them he says something which everybody says and that has never sat well with me, namely that one should never expect anything from the wife and only give. More or less. More accurately, this is advertised as being a necessary behavior for addicts.

It occurred to me that over the years I successfully attacked my desire, to the point that the only source of difficulties is desire for my wife, and even that has diminished a lot. But the behavior is still there: every now and then I want her and sometimes she satifies me right away, sometimes she strings me along, and sometimes she never comes through. And out of those times some portion ends with me acting out.

So I was thinking that the trouble with this behavior is that I regularly try to use my wife for pleasure, but my wife is not "usable" because she's not _really_ a robot, and I'm not _really_ a user because I love her and I back down. So as I do this behavior over months and years the result necessarily has to be regular acting out. I'm creating the result. I _should_ act out.

So it would make sense to view my wife as someone who can never give in that area because the alternative in our situation is bad over the long run.

The problem with this is that I run to get her the things she needs but she doesn't like giving in that area.

In order to be consistent with my approach so far the logical thing to do is to attempt to eliminate my desire for her completely, under all circumstances. I think it might work but I'm not sure where that leaves me.

She would be pretty happy with a 100% platonic relationship. I still don't like the idea somehow ..,

I think the answer is that if you think a wife who wants to inspire desire is better than one who doesn't then you should marry that kind. If you have the other kind then either consider yourself lucky but put up with the regular acting out, or consider yourself unlucky and either move on or protect yourself like you do when you are on the internet ...

Or consider yourself lucky and rise above the challenge, which strikes me as trying to be a malach.

I guess I'm dealing with the classic aftermath of a bipolar issue. Achievement no longer motivates me so the situation I created for myself no longer seems worthwhile.

I think everybody in my life is better off if I pretend to be dumb and just expect failure.

mzl wrote on 22 Oct 2018 20:16:

II like the first part (doin' your hw, readin' my posts), but I don't fully understand the second part. 

Now, I know for those who aren't addicted, there is some give and take available, but for an addict like myself, I need to be focused on purely givin'. Does that help me in the bedroom? If I keep to it, it doesI. Will I be sexually satisfied? Difficult question to answer. Will there be sex? Easier question to answer. Very little. How long can one do this for? One day at a time. Am I pleased with this mehalech? Not really. Is there an alternative? Yes, go back to lustin'.

What is the first sentence I wrote which is not 100% clear?

mzl wrote on 22 Oct 2018 22:18:

"The problem with this is that I run to get her the things she needs but she doesn't like giving in that area."

 and it might have been clear, I'm just slow. I have difficult time followin' extended logic on threads.