I think it's safe for me to return to the official definition of clean now because knowing that I can masturbate I will never choose to present my wife with a choice of s*x or a miscarriage.

To illustrate, yesterday I told her I was in the mood. She wasn't, so I whined that she doesn't care about my feelings, so she acquiesced. Afterwards I held her for a couple of hours while sleeping, because it made her feel good.

These behaviors seem to within the realm of normal human relationships, so I'm no longer concerned about abusing her.

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Interesting thing to report. My wife's anatomy looks different now that she's expecting and I found myself looking at her. I made advances but she said no because it's uncomfortable for her. When she said that it was like a wall for me, I couldn't insist.

What followed is the interesting part. I just knew I had no choice but to continue thinking about it, get turned on and then act out. I also think it would have been an understandable thing to do because she is supposed to be available every now and then.

Because I didn't want to report on the forum that I acted out I used my tool for making the desire go poof. It took some effort and frankly I was terrified. Then I was pleasantly surprised.

But then I noticed that something else was bothering me and making me feel desire. Then B"H I figured out that it was the fact that she said that it would be uncomfortable. She said it with a resigned look, as if to say "I have no choice but to suffer in order for you to pleasure yourself." I think that is my strongest desire.

Once I put my finger on that I was able to use the tool again. It took a while to see that because I guess I still view sadists as being worth less than others (which is not strictly correct.)

After that I was telling myself that a wife really should be available sometimes (whereas since it hurts this seems to preclude it long-term.) And B"H the thought came into my head that Hashem hooked me up with her because since I don't value myself unless I'm engaged in something remarkable I would never have married an average woman. For me to work at it and have a family it had to be a momentous challenge. Hashem loves people according to their standards. Therefore it's not true that she should be available. Rather, she should not be available. Even worse, she should be available some of the time and then slam the door in my face part of the time (because that's a greater challenge) which is what happens. Once again, incredibly, reality should be the way it actually is ...

After thinking that I'm feeling a lot better.

Thank you GYE forum users for being here!

I was thinking about what happened earlier, I feel like I was saved from a terrible disaster ...

No matter how many times I verify that being engrossed in gemara can move mountains regarding my job, I am always surprised.

sounds like a get rich quick scheme - please elaborate

i-man wrote on 18 Oct 2018 18:16:

It's more like my job frustrates me unless I learn properly.

I don't think I discovered anything new, it's the bris that a Jew's life works out if and only if he does the mitzvos.

It just seems surprising to me because I'm a BT.

Day 11

Oops.

I tried to persuade my wife to get herself in the mood early in the day. She basically gave me a green light and then at the very last minute I asked her if she was in the mood, and she said she was nauseous. She said let's try and see if it doesn't hurt, and I gave up right there.

Then I was in pain so I made myself feel better ...

Your wife was loving enough to offer to be nice to you right then, but it wasn't good enough for you to just say, "thank you, dear!" and just do what she suggested: go ahead w it to see if it was going to be comfortable enough for her. The humble response. Not to be a begging dog accepting a piteous offer - but a loved friend accepting a gracious gift. That wasn't good enough for you.

And I relate. Have been there. Humility is not always acceptable in the moment and pain drives pride before it, into the soup.

A pity.


You'll probably disagree with this, somehow, tho. Oh, well.

Dov wrote on 19 Oct 2018 11:56:

I hear you, and many times in the past I said yes, but I was very close to her face and she appeared to ve really hurting a few weeks ago, and it creeps me out.

Thank you!

I think in order to be a good citizen I have to try to get back on the horse, even though it may be frustrating and I may be end up exactly in the same place.

I am a mediocre sex addict, let's face it ...