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ChizukSC 90 day challenge

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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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TOPIC: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 18955 Views

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 29 Oct 2018 22:45 #336812

ChizukSC
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Day 16: Day was going pretty good, but in the middle of the day a wave of emotions of missing my former girlfriend hit me. I also surmised she probably experienced something stressful recently and was wondering if she is she is feeling all right and wishing I could be there to emotionally support her. After all these emotions, I took a look at a picture of her, which was a silly move since thinking about her is distracting/a turn on, but looking at a picture of her is even more so. Thankfully, I was at work, so no risk of those emotions triggering me to do something. Going to make sure to talk through the emotions that came up today with someone before I head home and exercise when I get home.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 30 Oct 2018 02:50 #336826

Shnitzel and kugel
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ChizukSC wrote on 28 Oct 2018 23:27:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 22:51:

Your
Regarding bringing up the masturbation struggle while dating, be cautious. Even the most understanding and kind young lady may simply not be able to comprehend how an otherwise frum fellow acts out. Just my humble opinion.

This is a point I have seen mentioned a few times by many people on the forum and I want to give my opinion on the matter. I think most mental health professionals would disagree. The one I spoke to myself emphasized that females live in this tumadik world and if you think that does not effect even the average bais yaakov girl, it is not true. If you listened to the very helpful conversation between Efrem Goldberg and Moshe Yachnes, they emphasized this struggle effects both genders in this generation and even if females do not go as far males they definitely are affected by the world around us.

Outside of that, the foundation of a good marriage is honesty. I understand when one is already married and a wife finds out you have secretly been acting out and she feels betrayed. When revealing before going into a marriage, you have been emotionally vulnerable on the highest level by sharing this tough struggle and will lead to a greater healthier relationship. But going into a marriage without telling your wife you struggled with this area of halacha is setting a faulty foundation for the future. Also, an article by Rabbi Dr. Twerski on GYE giving a young lady advice that honesty with her future choson about her struggles is the correct way to go. I would gather to guess he would say the same with a male revealing to a female.

Just as importantly, spouses need to be there for each others struggles and if speaking to someone (really kind, helpful, well intention) strangers on GYE helps you deal with the struggle, having a wife who will be there by your side will be that much more useful and even help build a closer relationship.

I will end with a caveat. When I revealed to the girl I was dating, I knew her well enough that when she agreed not tell anyone without first running it past me, I knew she was telling the truth. I was really worried she might end the relationship, but I knew she would not break her word on that and that was important.

This isn't a simple question to answer at all... both sides are valid points. Like chizuksc mentioned marriage is about honesty, on the other hand, like hhm said, these innocent woman simply "don't get it" so saying wont do any good usually speaking.. I can convince a guy one way and a minute the complete opposite since both make so much sense.

Maybe Dr twerski was speaking to addicts or to people who arent well into recovery.. not sure what to make of it.

I'd love to hear from someone like my case, who joined gye as a single guy, got somewhere in recovery, got married but didn't tell his wife. #Experience is whats the proper answer.

Anyone fit into that description?

Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)

ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 30 Oct 2018 04:44 #336837

Hashem Help Me
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If one is still acting out "out of control" or is in a serious maintenance program which demands consistent investment of time (SA or the like), it would be most foolish and unfair to not share that with a prospective spouse. She will find out anyway and then feel betrayed hurt and fooled/abused. On the other hand, one who BH successfully stopped watching pornography, severely reduced lusting, and has gotten a decent level of control of masturbation, why should his previous challenges be shared on a date? What purpose is there in sharing something that is "dead and buried"? Maybe when the subject of technology in the house comes up, a pareve statement can be made, where the sharing actually may accomplish something. Example "My friends and I had it really rough. Being single and having so much indecency on the streets, in the news, and on the computer posed a real challenge. Imagine what it's going to be like for our kids - its only getting worse. Lets keep our future home as tech free as possible." If after marriage, you recognize that your wife will "get it" and be supportive, then at an appropriate time maybe share a bit. If it will arouse doubts in her if she can trust you that you have not continued dabbling in shmutz, then opt not to say anything. From speaking to chevra on the site, I have found that BH there are some amazingly supportive wives out there, but there are also many who very much unfortunately are not.

Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 30 Oct 2018 23:03 #336859

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	Day 17: Pretty good day. A lot of crazy stuff went on, but bh none felt like it effected my ability to stay clean. Going to make sure that I keep my guard up nonetheless. Exercise is on the schedule bn.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 31 Oct 2018 11:06 #336867

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	Woke up with strong urges to act out this morning. Hopefully posting here will help.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 31 Oct 2018 11:15 #336868

Hashem Help Me Current streak: 2918 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 4059	Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
	Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 31 Oct 2018 11:26 #336869

Hashem Help Me
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The reason you woke up with an urge is probably the following. BH you have made a serious commitment to staying clean. That was done by your conscious mind - seichel. However your subconscious mind , the animalistic side to us (known as the nefesh ha'behamis) wants its "fix". Therefore it will try during times when your seichel is "off" - sleeptime or very spaced out moments (unfortunately including for many of us when our minds wander during davening), to cause wet dreams, erections, and the like. Ignore this completely. It will iyh diminish after a while. Truthfully it is a form of withdrawal, and as you have posted a few times, scientifically, exercise is a good antidote for that. Keep on being matzliach chaver. Yesterday for you was 17 - gmatria "tov", today is 18 "chai" - you are BH beginning to experience the "good life".

Regarding the fact that you posted - yes, reaching out and sharing urges is a great way of conquering them. Getting them out verbally or typed gives them boundaries and makes them tangible and conquerable. The urge has been reduced from its "monster" status. Plus of course, the knowledge that others care and that you are somewhat accountable to them helps too.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 31 Oct 2018 11:46 #336870

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	Doing much better. Thank you hhm for the comments. Your right, it does feel nice to have people around the world caring rooting for your success.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 01 Nov 2018 04:10 #336893

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	Day 18: day started off tough with some urges, but with chizuk from some of the chevra and just making myself get moving with the day it soon passed. Rest of the day was pretty good. I have reached the point of withdrawal where I end up needing to go to bathroom more often for some reason. I am assuming it's related in any case.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 01 Nov 2018 15:52 #336907

ChizukSC
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They say that acting out can be "self medicating" and there maybe a underlining reason for acting out. I have been trying to be more aware to determine, "the underlining reason" or the life event triggers that make me want to act out. I think I can tentatively cross stress from being the factor because work has been stressful and the urges have not increased correlating around stressful moments.

I am curious, has anyone on GYE ever reported being tested for having higher levels of hormones than the average male and that makes them more sensitive to being turned on? If that has ever been identified as a cause for some people, I am also wondering if they just have a endocrinologist proscribe something to bring their hormones to normal levels. Just random thoughts throughout the day.

Last Edit: 01 Nov 2018 20:16 by ChizukSC. Reason: change medication to medicating

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 02 Nov 2018 00:32 #336917

lionking
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ChizukSC wrote on 01 Nov 2018 15:52:

Stress is probably my primary reason I act out. However not all stress is created equal. I can have extremely stressful work days or other stressful moments and not feel any self medicating "needs".
Just my 2 cents...

My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 02 Nov 2018 01:07 #336919

Markz
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lionking wrote on 02 Nov 2018 00:32:

ChizukSC wrote on 01 Nov 2018 15:52:

LK why are you still worrying about $00.2? didn't you text me this morning that you found more than that?

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Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 02 Nov 2018 02:57 #336921

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	Day 19: Had good conversations on chat today with GYE members. Did anyone noticed that they drink more water after being clean for a couple weeks? I feel like I have, but can't see how it's related.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 02 Nov 2018 03:02 #336922

ChizukSC OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 60 Karma: 4	lionking wrote on 02 Nov 2018 00:32: Stress is probably my primary reason I act out. However not all stress is created equal. I can have extremely stressful work days or other stressful moments and not feel any self medicating "needs". Just my 2 cents... Mind if I ask what kind of stress is your primary reason for acting. Might be helpful for me to identify some of triggers.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 02 Nov 2018 03:17 #336923

lionking OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 966 Karma: 102	Markz wrote on 02 Nov 2018 01:07: LK why are you still worrying about $00.2? didn't you text me this morning that you found more than that? You've got a sense of humor. However Hashem has a better one! I'm B"H not worrying and also not lusting, escaping, etc... My point to ChizukSC was that It is very commendable to identify triggers, however not always does a none effect prove a cause.
	My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com