Brief introduction: I unintentionally started masterbating as a young kid 12 years ago. Since then, I have longer periods where I was able to quit, mainly while studying in yeshiva. However, ever since I starting dating, I have found the struggle not to act out hard when dating people who I find attractive.

Recently, I have come to grips with the idea that there is no way I can get married while I have this habit. This happened in conjunction with meeting a girl that I can see myself G-d willing marrying some day and the strongest incentive in my head for being able to control myself on my road to ninety days so far, is that I can only marry to this absolutely amazing young women if I conquer this habit. In my moments of weakness during these first sevens days (seven days clean currently) it helps me to imagine her face of disappointment at me if I would do such things. 

Here's to being on my way to 90 one day at a time!

Welcome, may The Creator of the world give you the siyata dishmaya to accomplish your goals and be  boneh a bayis ne`eman biyisroel!

Your conviction is admirable - and correct. I myself did not realize where I was holding when I got married and only years later I am seeing how bad it was. Chazak veEmatz!

Day 8:

Today I had a pretty full work schedule, so luckily I was able to work through it without many distracting moments.

A few questions/thoughts to the chevra:
The one of toughest times for me is waking up in the morning and staying in bed too long and then acting out. I am generally in the safe zone for the reminder of the day if I make it to my local shul for shachrit. Any tools people use to get out of bed and moving onto the first part of the day? Some I have tried: 1. setting up chavrusas in the morning before shachrit to give a tangible motivation of not coming late. This is hard for me because it entails me getting up before 6AM. 2. May seem strange, but I have found making my bed after getting up puts a barrier to going back to my bed and doing something stupid. Anyone have any advice on the topic?

ChizukSC wrote on 05 Jun 2018 01:30:

A useful tool that is used by many in recovery is called "bookending". If you have a bookcase that is not filled from side to side then you would put a bookend there to hold up the books so that they stay upright and don't collapse like domino's. 
So the way bookending works in recovery is whenever you're in a situation that you are by yourself and know that you can't trust yourself 100% (i.e. going to a wedding, amusement park, have access to open internet, being at home/office alone etc.) you open bookend by calling or texting someone and telling them what the issue is and telling them that you commit to doing what you have to do but nothing else and without distractions and when you're done you contact that same person and close bookend by letting them know how it went. Basically it's an accountability setup for a specific situation. So in your case you would call/text someone that you woke up and are committing to get out of bed right away and to get dressed and leave the room without getting back into bed. once you've left the room, go and bookend with that person again and let them know how it went.
Hatzlacha!

hi ,hatzlacha, i know that this answer may sound stupid ,but here is a try,maybe have a seder before you go to sleep ,15 minutes or so ,on the inyan of tefila that it would give you an inspiration to get to shul without dillydaling,that you wouldnt want to just stay in bed, Davening really IS geshmack! maybe learning a little pirush hamilos -translation of the tefilos, i remember when i learnt a certain  sefer  on pirush hamilos ,it gave me such a geshmack in Davening, once i knew what i was saying, i had something to look foward to,its amazing how underappreciated Tefila is,and its something we can all be very good at!Plus when your day is on a good start we are told that the rest of the day will have hatzlacha.
Hatzlacha raba!

ChizukSC wrote on 05 Jun 2018 01:30:

Hey chizuk welcome to the greatest forum on the internet , you sound like a smart guy ...

I'm not sure if this answers you  ....  as someone who struggled to get out of bed in the morning for years I could tell you that if theres something exciting waiting in the morning you can do it - it can be really hard to find that ,but its worth the try..

good luck !

Day 12:

I was looking at the 90 day chart this morning. There are over two hundred people on it! My first impression based on the number of people who actively post on the forums was that the number of people of actively using GYE at the same time as me was much smaller. And that list would not even show everyone that used the site. There b"h plenty of people on the site that have passed the 90 day threshold and wouldn't even show up on that list. That this "community" is much larger (and there are so many people further along on the 90 day journey than me) gives chizuk me during my struggle.

Day 14:

So here is what I don't get. Many peoples posts (usually those who have been clean for longest) speak about becoming a person who does not turn to lust (seemingly ever). Now it totally makes sense one should do that in regards to not being lustful towards things that are bad for you and assur. But isn't being attracted and wanting to be intimate with one's wife is a good thing? How are people removing the need to lust without giving up those kosher feelings towards someone (their wife) who their strong attraction and constantly thinking about intimacy with when one is supposed to feel that way about ones wife?

To me, whose struggle with Shichvat Zera Levatala currently does not result from being triggered by inappropriate material or being triggered on the street I feel removal of lust would not work. Because unlike those things I do not exactly feel bad about being attracted to someone I am going out with after building a strong meaningful relationship with a young lady. That attraction and fantasization about what will result if we get married should happen shouldn't it? It's really just building the self control to not act out on it by causing Shichvat Zera Levatala. 

It's possible I am in denial, so would appreciate any feedback on if I am approaching this the wrong way.

A lot of sexual attraction is really bogus, but it's necessary. The right answer for you depends on your specific situation. If certain sexual thoughts make you lose control to some extent, then you can see that for you those thoughts are counterproductive.

At the end of the day it's all about the relationship. Either it's working or it's not. You take it from there. What are your needs? What are her needs?

I do think that by all accounts it's not ideal for a frum married man to fantasize about his wife when he's not with her. Better to be fully engaged in whatever you are doing all day. If it's not engaging, then find something that is.

Hi, ChizukSC,

I'm not the right person to respond about this, since I am just starting to learn how to live. 
I have an attraction for my wife, and a want for intimacy. I am learning that intimacy doesn't need to include emission of sperm. I'm learning how to be intimate on a emotional level, or even physically without sex.

Hashem has designed the sex drive, I think, in order for people to procreate the world. However, I think, the concept of Marriage is to elevate the drive and become a giver instead of a receiver. To focus on her needs rather than yours.

Don't worry too much, worry can cause wet dreams too. 
Do you have a Rov, Rebbe, Mentor, etc... you can speak to? If you don't feel comfortable about talking about your acting out problem, perhaps just some hadracha how to approach dating, and you can ask him what to do about thinking about what comes after marriage, how dating is hard because of it raising your taavah.
Try to open up to real safe people. Mentors get these topics everyday. No one would judge you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

Two parts to this post.

Two days ago I told the girl I am going out with about my struggle with masterbation. There was a lot of fear and stress leading up to it and a bit of crying while telling her. I don't want to go into detail, but I am so happy I did. Her understanding and support was beyond what I expected! She's the first person I have ever told about this and makes me feel that much closer to her now that I don't have this dark secret that I couldn't discuss with her. I would need the person who I care about most and share my feelings to to be there for me though this struggle if we end up getting married.

Part two:
I fell today. I am not feeling down about it, but focusing on the fact I made it to twenty days and realizing that applying the taphsic method in certain ways can maybe help me stay clean for good. I am more consious of what makes me fall and how to deal with it. This is day 1, but I feel more prepared to take it all the way this time. 

Maybe part 2 is because of part 1, you felt close to her and you thought about being with her?

At any rate, since you are making your getting married contingent on you getting over your self-control problem then maybe you could try a more powerful method, and then if you become super super clean you can see what to do then.

Wow! Such courage! Was she familiar with masturbation? Did she express understanding for your struggle? Most girls are quite unfamiliar with men's struggles, both in the metzius of the urges and drives, and in understanding that normal ehrliche people can have it rough. She must be one very special young lady...…... 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 Jun 2018 23:00:

You have no idea. She's one of a kind and I am very lucky to have been introduced to her.

Though my impression from a therapist I spoke to is that you would be surprised that many frum females have a better understanding of how the male mind works in this regard.