Day 77

I didn't have such a great davening as I usually have on Rosh Hashana. I didn't feel the spiritual high. I said the words with kavana but I didn't have any spiritual experience. I'm trying to believe that Hashem is happy with me because I'm staying sober even if I didn't have such a great davening. I surrendered when I needed to in shul and I went to meetings. Hopefully it's enough for this year. 

Day 77

I didn't have such a great davening as I usually have on Rosh Hashana. I didn't feel the spiritual high. I said the words with kavana but I didn't have any spiritual experience. I'm trying to believe that Hashem is happy with me because I'm staying sober even if I didn't have such a great davening. I surrendered when I needed to in shul and I went to meetings. Hopefully it's enough for this year. 

poiuytrewq wrote on 12 Sep 2018 03:56:

Your experience is very common among serious strugglers, and it was especially challenging for me too... better yet it was a demoralizing and hopeless phenomenon for me... feeling that I was so high and so close to Hashem and then BOOM - only to spiral completely out of control as if Elul and Tishrei occurred 10 months ago, not 10 days ago or 10 hours (minutes) ago. This happened to me year after year.
Now being part of a mostly frum live meeting in SA, I've noticed how prevalent it is that people relapse after Yomim Tovim.

So today I avoid getting too high on yiddishkeit because I just don't have a good parachute to land safely back down. Your problem is that you are like the cartoons with people attached to a propelled rocket that runs out of fuel mid-air and suddenly everyone is crashing down from the sky. In cartoons they usually end up ok but in real life it hurts! And what do we do when we feel we're missing something or something hurts us - we turn to our drug to numb out the pain, hence the vicious cycle continues...

In a 12 step program we are seriously doing teshuva and growing spiritually on a daily basis so Elul/Tishrei is no different but regardless try to treat these days as "regular" days and don't get too high on the avodas hayom. Hashem wants you to stay clean above anything else so try this method and see how it goes. Maybe in a few years down the road you'll get back to that intensity when you can handle it but for now just keep it even keeled. 

All the best,
G4L

Day 103

I've been doing well the past few days. I'm just reminding myself not to think that I got to where I got to by myself. I know that I can't do this alone and it's ok to make a phone call or post even though I'm feeling good. 

Ok so I went to my first SA meeting last night and I'm glad I did. I am still feeling nervous about going, but partially because I don't know what to tell my wife where I'm going. She does know that I have SSA, so maybe I can tell her that I was going to a meeting to deal with my SSA, which is the truth, SA does help. 

I fell a few days ago because I was anxious. I don't know why I get anxious every time somebody tells me I should put a filter on my computer. It's like people are telling me I can't have fun or relax. As of now, I am going to use the TAPHSIC method. It's worked for me in the past. That and reaching out to others about my struggle and not isolating myself, helps. 

I am feeling lazy today. I have a bunch of things that I need to get done and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get them done. I feeling anxious about that, so I "want" to escape to TV or other things that I shouldn't be doing. I feel better for just talking about it.

Here is to Day 4, one day at a time.