I haven't posted in about a year. I don't remember why, but nevertheless I'm back and ready to do this again. I have pretty much hit rock bottom and I'm ready commit to do what I need to do to battle the Y"H. I fell too many times this month. I don't feel so connected to Hashem right now. In a way, I do feel connected because I am trying to do/be better, but not as connected as I used to be. I'd like to also get my mind back from the Y"H. All this falling has made my disconnected from the real world. I do work and learn, but everything is fuzzy. 
I figured that it's about time that I don't do this alone. I can't do this alone. I need a community and Hashem to get through this. I have to reach out to others and to Hashem for support. 
Today is Day 1.

Day 3. I felt lust today and called somebody immediately. We schmoozed a bit and I felt relieved afterwards. I just needed to feel not alone. Nothing really exciting(which is a good thing). 

Day 4
I'm still clean. I appreciate the thank yous. It shows that somebody is actually listening even if what I'm writing is not that interesting.

iwilldothis wrote on 28 May 2018 23:18:

Any day of sobriety is plenty interesting to me.  
Keep checking in.

iwilldothis wrote on 28 May 2018 23:18:

Its inspiring for others when someone out here is doing well , plus people who are succeeding usually have some helpfull tips and tricks
Good luck 

It is the beginning of day 7 now. Yesterday I thought I was feeling lust, but all it was just energy. I had a lot of energy and I wasn't releasing it so it was making me anxious. Maybe it was lust, I don't know. Regardless, while I was feeling all this, I was also feeling anxious because I was anxious and I didn't know what to do. But I remembered something I read in one of the posts here on GYE. That I don't have to m or look at p. It's not the end of the world. That's what kept me going for the day. And I'm still here BH. I didn't give in and I'm still here. 
I've also noticed that I have more energy to do things that I want to do. I don't feel as lazy. I still feel lazy but not as bad as I used to. 

Day 8. I have a lot of energy and I'm getting things done. I'm at work and I'm sitting down but I have a lot of energy so my head goes straight to m. I wonder what others do with this excess of energy even while at work. I'm not used to this amount of energy. I am still determined to staying clean. 

Here is what i do when under too much energy or feelings to masturbate. Instead of fighting against those feelings because that never helps, i become Mindful of the fact that i'm feeling this way and even though i might prefer not to have such feelings i Accept those feelings just for what they are uncomfortable feelings (nothing more, nothing less) and realise just because i feel a certain way doesn't make me into a bad person (Practice Compassion To Yourself) and the fact that i feel a certain way doesn't mean i will end up having to act on those feelings "I Could Ride The Waves"  Let me know if this approach helps you out?

Or a very similar approach is to try the 12 steps, by realising you are powerless over such feelings and turn over your feelings and thoughts to hashem "LET GO LET G-D"

Have a great shabbos!

:kissing_heart:Love Yankel!

I am more calm now, thank you iampowerless, it helped me when I accept it for what it is and not run away. Ok I'm feeling a lot of energy and that's fine. After not running away from it, I "surrendered" it to Hashem. 

Good shabbos!

I'm ashamed to say that I fell last night. It was out of boredom. I was in bed and I should have at least just watched a TV show or movie just to not be bored. I told myself that it's Motsei Shabbos and I'm going to watch a Tv show right after! Motsei Shabbosim are usually hard for me, I'll have to come up with a special limud like Navi or some Gemara or Halacha. I'm trying to convince myself that Hashem still loves me. At least I had a good shabbos. I davened well. I'm ready to try again. 
Day 1

Mmmmm......... something tells me that your next step in recovery might be getting filters on your "poison bottles" (AKA computers) as well as some restrictions when it comes to TV! Whatcha think about that?
you see trying to hit 90 days with the poison right in front of you is a recipe for dizaster........

And just coming up up with a special limud will not help if the option of pornography is readily available. In 30 seconds max my seforim will be closed and i'll be heavily out of control on the computer!


 Love Yankel

Yankel, you are right. A part of me doesn't like it, but I just have to do it. I don't want to limit all my escapes right now. Anything that can trigger me has to go, but there are tv shows that I can watch.

Ok, I realized that I might need to go to a SA meeting in my area. My problem is that I don't know if any of the meeting places are in a safe area. This is hard for me to ask because I feel like I'm giving away my identity, but this is for the greater good.  Does anybody here know the Baltimore area enough to help me? Please pm me if you do.

Look up p-a.online/
Contact them and they can help you find a PA group in your area.
Or guardyoureyes.com/tools/live-groups for an SA group
Good luck!

Ok so I went to my first SA meeting last night and I'm glad I did. I am still feeling nervous about going, but partially because I don't know what to tell my wife where I'm going. She does know that I have SSA, so maybe I can tell her that I was going to a meeting to deal with my SSA, which is the truth, SA does help. 

I fell a few days ago because I was anxious. I don't know why I get anxious every time somebody tells me I should put a filter on my computer. It's like people are telling me I can't have fun or relax. As of now, I am going to use the TAPHSIC method. It's worked for me in the past. That and reaching out to others about my struggle and not isolating myself, helps. 

I am feeling lazy today. I have a bunch of things that I need to get done and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get them done. I feeling anxious about that, so I "want" to escape to TV or other things that I shouldn't be doing. I feel better for just talking about it.

Here is to Day 4, one day at a time.

You sound very focused and have a mehalech. This helps convince you that you can iyh break free. If Taphsic worked for you (as it has for quite a number of people i have met through GYE), keep on doing it. Reaching out to others is a very powerful tool. It takes courage that first time (and of course one must be careful who they reach out to), but once it is done, so much anxiety dissipates. you realize that you are a kosher good yid struggling with an issue many good people struggle with and you can iyh get better.