Day 14

I am doing good today and I have a clear mind. I'm just scared because I know the lust can creep up at any time. I am powerless to lust. The only thing that I can do is continue reaching out and go to meetings. It seems to be working

I realized today that lust is a part of me but it's not me. It's a disease that I have. It's starting that to click that I am a good person just with a disease. At least i think I'm a good person 

One day at a time

iwilldothis wrote on 18 Jun 2018 14:07:

Glad you have doing great! Keep it up we are all rooting for you!

 Love Yankel! 

I think you are a good person even when you are lusting, but that's just me I guess.

iwilldothis wrote on 18 Jun 2018 14:07:

Excellent post. On this site you meet lots of good people that are struggling with this. Instead of thinking you are a good person, it is time to know you are a good person.

Day 15

I don't want to sound dramatic but I feel like I'm going to die if I don't release. I knew this feeling was going to come up one day because I read it in the white book. But regardless, this is probably an opportunity to atone for my sins. Like a korbon. I'm not going to give in to the lust. I'm probably going to call people and just get out of my head. I know I can make it through today. I made it till now with the help of Hashem and the help of this forum.

I lived with exactly that feeling for many years. A human must eat, drink, sleep, and ejaculate. There is no life without sex. It was so powerful that it controlled me without me realizing it. "I have to get home from this simcha by this and this time because otherwise my wife will be tired..." "And if i dont get home on time then i have to masturbate - there is just no other choice" "If Hashem does not want me to do it, He has to keep my wife available at all times"  Sounds crazy? That was me.  Iwilldothis, do yourself a favor now and keep repeating to yourself that it is a big fat lie. One can live a happy healthy fulfilling life without any sexual activity. There is no need to release. It is imagined - powerfully, but only imagined.. I wish someone would have sat me down and grilled that into me years ago........

That would have not worked. You have to see it - measure it - yourself in order for that to be effective.

mzl wrote on 19 Jun 2018 12:11:

And he is talkin' from experience, like many of us are. The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need. We are taught humility (although we have a long way to go), and that is how we can call another, read from the book, say a prayer, go to a meetin', etc., and lo and behold, we do not die.

Update: Last week I had a family medical emergency. I don't want to go into details because I want to move on.  BH, everybody is doing ok and life is back to "normal". I'm still a bit shaken up in the aftermath. 

Day 1
I fell yesterday. I didn't reach out to others, which would have helped me. I know why but theres no point of analyzing everything this time. I'm just dusting myself off and moving on. 

Today is Day 3 and I'm committing to staying sober just for today. Just taking life one day at a time. I realized that I put too much pressure on myself on what about tomorrow, what about next week, etc... I need to just chill out and take it one day at a time. Not only with not masturbating or watching porn, but with life in general. Doing the work that I need to do for that day. 

I noticed that I use this forum and making phone calls to others as an escape. Instead of just doing the work that I need to do, I come to this forum to read posts or reach out to others as if it will solve my life problems. It is better than going to porn, but it's not helpful. As of now, I'm just going to be cognizant of it. 

One day at a time.

I agree with everything you wrote besides the words "but it's not helpful". I also used the forum chats and phone calls as an escape, but boy did it help. I am only where I am today thanks to the forum and reaching out to people. Have I solved all of my issues? No. Do I still use the site as an escape? Sometimes yes. So what? Some people escape life's challenges in a good book too...…..

HHM, you are right I don't know what I meant when I wrote that.

I fell last night. The funny thing is that I was doing good yesterday. I made phone calls. I got things done. 
But I didn't deal with the sadness that I was feeling yesterday. I don't know why I am feeling the sadness, but I am going to journal about it after I post. I just wanted to get past the shame of falling last night, so I wanted to post first. I know that the next few days, I'm going to feel groggy. I just need to get past the next few days and get my energy back up.

It's a journey of a thousand miles, unfortunately.

You mention a lot about having strong negative feelings. What worked for me, was to try and find the time to daven right then. (My schedule is flexible, and there is a "minyan factory" a few minutes walk from my house) I would pour out those emotions in davening. I would try to concentrate (a little bit) on some of the berachos, and what the words mean, and what I am really asking for. I found that having strong emotions like that, and then davening, would catapult what would have been a humdrum tefilah into the stratosphere. I almost always felt better after that. 

All the best to you!

Thank you, Yerushalmi. I'm going to try/do that today. I'm going to surrender my emotions to Hashem today. When I'm feeling a "negative" emotion, I'm going to surrender to Hashem and ask Him to help me. It's only a negative emotion because I think it's a negative emotion when in reality it's an opportunity for me to get closer to Hashem. 

One day at a time. Just for today.