I fixed your chart.

And I HIGHLY suggest signing up to the other Chizuk e-mail as well, since it deals more with the addiction aspect, and is very helpful for many people. Click on "UpdateProfile/Email address" at the bottom of the Chizuk e-mails to add yourself to the second list as well.

May Hashem be with you!

I'm signed up for both chizuk emails now.
I'm happy to report that yesterday was my 6th clean day.

Momo, I'm glad to hear from you... I was getting worried...
The Chizuk e-mail called "Breaking Free" will help you a LOT, be"h. Good move.

Momo, when I see how you reacted to the fall and then posted it so that everyone can learn from you, it gives me great chizuk. It is people like you that are really going to bring Moshiach.

In general I read all the posts, but the past few weeks I fell way behind. Now I'm trying to catch up and I really hope to follow your progress on a regular basis.

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

Chart updated to 7 days. Welcome back to Level 2. Keep us updated.

You're doing great! I like your signature. Before Pesach is the time for shemira. By watching ourselves from the y'h -who's called chometz we are zocheh to go out of Mitzrayim on Pesach. Mitzrayim is a loshon of meitzar, which refers to all our weaknesses.

rav Hutner writes that the issur of chometz comes from not doing things b'zrizuz. zrizuz breaks the dimension of time- this is a metaphor to our neshama breaking the dimension of the physical. momo you are breaking this barrier with every clean day!! chazak v' yamutz!

Yesterday I completed my 11th clean day.

The past 2 days have not been easy. I've slipped twice yesterday and twice the day before. I was very close to falling yesterday, but I held myself back.

During my previous run, I felt very close to HaShem and spiritual. I'm feeling a lot less spiritual and a lot more mundane. I also don't feel as close to HaShem as I did a couple of weeks ago, and that bothers me. 

In my previous run, I had a tremendous amount of energy which I used to fight the Y"H and serve HaShem. Now I feel that I'm going through the motions and lack energy.

I also feel that it's only a matter of time (like, days) before I fall again, like it's inevitable. I wish I could get rid of that feeling.

Any advice how to get my energy level back up, feel close to HaShem, and feel like I can really do this without falling every couple of weeks?

After 11 days I fell again. Since I've joined this forum I've gone 24 days, then 11 days.

Before I joined this forum I used to be clean 2 or 3 days at a time. So on one hand, I was better than in the past, but on the other hand, obviously I wasn't nearly up to par as my last run of 24 days.

I don't see that this past time was a success since I didn't feel as "into" the battle as I did the first time, and I slipped a few times before I fell.

Guard, please remove me from the 90 day chart. I think I need to stay clean for a week before posting again. I don't want to waste everyone's time posting that I'm clean for 3 days only to fall the next day.

I'm feeling very disappointed. 90 days seems impossible. Am I to live with (or accept) the fact that the best I can do is maybe 30 days?

Momo,

Mazel Tov on once again resolving to get up and start again!

Remember, the key isn't always the winning, sometimes it's the fighting that is important, especially if the enemy is the lousy Yetzer Hara.

YOU ARE NOT WASTING OUR TIME, AND DO NOT LET THE YETZER HARA CONVINCE YOU OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every Yid is important, and every post that you make on this site, regardless if it's a triumphant day clean or an unfortunate day unclean, is important in the larger war!

We need each and every one of you to be here, stay here, and never ever give up!!!


Around 400 days ago, I also thought 90 days was impossible. In fact, I thought 2 days was imppossible!

Once again, it's the Yetzer Hara trying to convince you.

Not only did I do the 30, 60, 90 etc. I did the L'Olam Va'ed! Yes, I did the impossible by ridding my life of the plague of masturbation.

Momo, YOU TOO CAN DO IT!!!  Stop counting, and start focusing on TODAY. One day at a time, and before you know it you will be clean forever! You do not need to live with and accept a partial win, you can reach the ultimate finish line. If I did it, ANYONE can do it!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Momo, I want to know why you think you are worse off than the guy in this story who was also sure he would have to accept the fact he could not go for more than a week at a time clean. As a matter of fact, I want to know why you think you are worse off than anyone on this page.

Dear Momo, You have to recognize you have a disease. And as Rabbi Twerski says, when someone has cancer they will do whatever it takes to get healed. Are you willing to face your disease with brutal honesty and do what it takes?

If yes, it is time to look into therapy with a sexual addiction therapist. It is time to get on the weekly phone conference, or give a call to the hot-line. It is time to consider finding a "conservative" 12-Step SA group in your area. That is what SA is. It is a group of people who want to stop lusting. They share hope and experience and teach you that even a GOY can do it. If thousands of goyim have learned through this program to give up lust completely, what makes you worse off than them?

But are you ready to admit you can't do it alone, or will this never ending cycle continue indefinitely?

Perhaps you can do it alone. Or perhaps therapy alone will be enough, I do not know. But the bottom line is, you have to recognize the disease and be ready to do what it takes.

And please keep posting. Your posts are inspirational and I know you have it in you to break free fully and, in the process, learn how to bring Hashem into your life in a whole new and deeper way!

dear momo, torah mateshes kocho shel adam! you are fighting the milchamta shel torah! it wears one out, doesn't it? it's better than getting tired of acting out, as you yourself said. jack

Dear Momo, an addiction is a disease. Rabbi Twerski defines it as such.

I am happy to hear you are willing to consider therapy, although you should know that Rabbi Twerski calls therapy "the icing on the cake" and the 12-Step groups is what he calls "the cake". The reason I think you would do well in the 12 Step SA groups is because the beauty of the program is that it teaches you how to overcome the addiction WITHOUT FIGHTING!! That's the beauty of it, and that's also what I'm trying to convey in the past few Chizuk e-mails, and hopefully in the COMING few as well.

If you're tired of fighting, the groups are prefect for you.

As far as a therapist, I do not remember where you live. If you want, you can e-mail me. But there are a lot of good links and info on therapists on this page. You should be able to find one there through the links and listings...

We understand you exactly, Momo. No, the people in our recovery stories had the same Kochos as you. But the addiction makes us into animals and takes away our freedom of choice in this area. You need to find a way to get out of the cycle so you can begin to heal.

Momo wrote on 25 Mar 2009 14:15:

Believe me when I tell you that when I began addressing my addiction in very real way and began to understand myself, I found kochos in myself that I never knew I had.  With the proper therapy, groups, mussar talks, or whatever else it takes, you will finally discover the true you hidden under the rubble.  First you need to believe that it is there.  Then if you try to dig, Hashem will help you reveal your beautiful neshama. Just keep believing in yourself and keep working.

Note: If you read this post, please read beyond the first paragraph.

Momo,

We all know what it means to be tired of fighting and falling.  It's so depressing and makes you want to give up.  And perhaps the immediate reaction is to "accept" that the addiction is part of your life and rather than beating it, simply co-exist.  Give in a little bit so the Y"H is satiated and leaves you alone but not so much that your life becomes a mess.  And I can tell you from experience that this can work for a while and is helps relieve the depressing feelings, at least in the short term.

But let me tell what happens after a while (and it unfortunately can be years).  First of all, thinking that the Y”H will be satiated with “controllable” acts and leave you alone is a mistake.  He doesn’t work that way.  It’s a fight to the finish – he wants to own you.  After a while, “soft” stuff won’t satisfy him and he’ll want more.  He’ll push you to go to ever greater extremes and take ever greater risks to feed the desire for lust.  Although B”H I never acted out with another person, I worried myself sick at one point that I’d contracted HIV by visiting places frequented by carriers.  I know how it’s supposedly transmitted but exactly where’s the line if you’re inhabiting the same space with people m***ing all the time?  I actually made it my business to find the next blood drive and donate, because I could say I was doing a chessed but deep down it’s because I know they test for HIV and will inform you if you’re a carrier.  It was a tense time to say the least (B”H I did not receive a call).  That’s the way Hashem created the world…you can never stay in one place.  You’re either dragged down by the Y”H slowly but surely, or you’re clinging to Hashem and not remaining static but growing in Ruchniyus.  Odom L’omol Yulud – we’re here to toil.  Being tired, giving up, even a little, inevitably leads us down.  Remember too, masbio ra’ev.  Satisfying the Y”H makes him hungrier.

So given that movement is inevitable, how do you break the cycle so that you’re not constantly bouncing up and down within a narrow range?  That’s a tough one, but ultimately it comes from realizing that the flip side of the Y”H’s gravitational force is equally strong, and ultimately stronger.  Hashem wants to own you too.  He doesn’t want you to do mitzvos by rote.  He doesn’t want you to be koviah itim and force yourself to go to the Bais Medrash.  This is an entire shmuess by itself (in fact, many, if not all of them ultimately make this point).  He wants you to feel.  To know him in your heart.  To understand him as best you can and feel a connection.  You have to start from scratch and figure out what you know of all these topics today…and how you feel about them now.  Then see if your understanding is correct.  Is the path that you’re on the right one?  What does he want?  Why?  This is a cheshbon hanesfesh.  Introspection.  In order to know him, you have to know yourself.  Once you’re on that path, you’re connected to a force infinitely more powerful than the Y”H.  Then he becomes a string and you’re the mountain.  And once you taste it, you’ll never stop trying to improve and grow.  Because Momo, it feels great.  Better than lust.  And it won’t disappoint you – not 5 minutes later, not the next day, not in 120 years.  In fact it will feel great eternally, because for this work you will earn Nitzchiyus and endless s’char in Olam Habah.  Remember, the Y”H will disappear after 120 because he doesn’t “win” if you’re not in this world of action and have no bechirah.  But Hashem won’t disappear (C”V) – he’ll be there when you die.  And he’ll remember every ounce of effort and growth that you’ve achieved and those positive feelings WILL GO WITH YOU!!